International

President Trump or President Kanye: which would be the absolute f**king worst?

THE USA could choose another four years of Trump, or gamble on an even bigger twat by electing President Kanye West. Who would suck harder?

The gammon's guide to going abroad

AIR bridges mean that holidaying abroad is back on, so beet-red patriot Roy Hobbs explains how to make the most of two weeks in countries full of foreign bastards.

Danny Dyer going over there to sort this shit out

THESPIAN Danny Dyer has confirmed he is going to the United States to have a word. 

Hydroxychloroquine also gives me the power of flight, says Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has asserted that not only does hydroxychloroquine make him immune to the coronavirus, it grants him the power of flight.

Ryanair to run just enough flights to f**k you over

RYANAIR has confirmed it will schedule just enough flights to ensure absolutely nobody who has booked this summer will get a refund.

English somehow believe Scots will happily welcome them this summer

ENGLISH people dreaming of visiting the Scottish highlands once lockdown ends are also imagining that they will be given a warm welcome.

Governments desperate to find cure for coronavirus before cure for capitalism discovered

GOVERNMENTS globally are rushing to discover a cure and vaccine for COVID-19 before they accidentally find a cure for capitalism.

How can this dictatorial one-party state survive without supreme leader BoJo, sorry Kim Jong-un?

THE news that a curiously-coiffed dictator is ill and his yes-man government is falling apart has left Britain, sorry North Korea, reeling.

Socially distanced St Patrick's Day: how to have COVID-19-free craic

ST PATRICK’S Day without pubs, inflatable shamrock hats and drunken en masse singing of the Pogues seems impossible. But here’s how to keep the craic coming at home.

Naturally unsociable shut-in Italians taking easily to quarantine

ITALY, a country of uncommunicative recluses who shun physical contact, is adapting easily to nationwide lockdown according to citizens.

Flybe instructs passengers to begin new lives wherever they're stranded

FLYBE has told stranded passengers they can never go home, so they should forget their old lives and begin new ones. 

The Brexiter's guide to bending over and taking it from Trump

ARE you a Brexit supporter who wants any US trade deal, no matter how violating? Here’s how to be fine with a shafting from Trump.