International

All the palaces in the world aren't worth three days of this, says Queen

THE Queen is contemplating abdicating the throne if anyone ever again tries to make her spend three days with President Trump.

Bearskin guard cannot believe ludicrous shit Trump has on his head

A BEARSKIN guard outside Buckingham Palace has admitted struggling to keep a straight face at the preposterous thing on President Trump’s head.

Britain distracted from troubles by vibrating orange clown

BRITAIN is to spend the next week pleasantly distracted from its ongoing political crisis by watching a touring orange clown. 

How is Trump planning to be a dick in the UK?

IT’S rare for Donald Trump to go anywhere without being a dick in some way, so what has he got planned for his stay in Britain?

Legoland declares independence from UK

WITH a thriving economy backed by its own currency, Legoland is to leave Britain and apply for EU membership.

Colleague makes Notre Dame fire all about him

A BRITISH man who visited the Notre Dame cathedral in 2003 is telling everyone how badly the fire has affected him.

America to gift France hideous new plastic church

AMERICA has decided to revive its old friendship with France by giving it a garish plastic megachurch for the middle of its capital city.

Hunchback forced to move in with Phantom of the Opera

THE Hunchback of Notre Dame has been forced to move himself and his stuff in with the Phantom of the Opera for a few weeks.

Prince Charles defects to Cuba

THE Prince of Wales has announced he is leaving Britain to become the new monarch of Cuba, where life is not as desperate.

Man on Amsterdam citybreak brings back more from Europe than Theresa May

A MAN returning from an Amsterdam citybreak has returned with more substantive benefits than Theresa May from Strasbourg.

Chris Grayling's guide to planning a journey

WHETHER it’s a day trip to York or backpacking around Vietnam, good planning makes for a stress-free journey. Transport secretary Chris Grayling tells you how.

He tried to kiss me, says Kim

KIM Jong-un has confirmed that the US-North Korea summit ended when President Trump attempted to kiss him.