International

Entire British Empire restored

EVERY country in the former British Empire has demanded Britain resume full political control now it has proven it is great again.

F**k fishing quotas: what Britain really cares about in the UK-EU trade deal

THE UK is leaving the EU and we have less time to broker a trade deal than to finish the contract for the gym you've stopped going to. Here’s what our negotiators must prioritise.

Six ways to spend your last weekend in the EU

BRITAIN leaves the EU once and for all on Friday, never to look back and never to return. So how are you spending your final weekend as a European?

The world's best cultural sites I'll bomb if you mess with me, by Donald Trump

I LOVE culture. The opera, gallery openings, all these wonderful places you get invited to when you’re rich. However, I’m not afraid to bomb culture to smithereens if I’m disrespected.

The bluff Northerner's guide to the Iran crisis

UNSURE what to do as tensions rise over the Iran crisis? Here bluff Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains the situation in no-nonsense terms.

Nobody wants to be the first ars*hole to bring up Brexit

NOBODY in the UK wants to be the first kn*bhead to ruin the new year by bringing up f**king Brexit, it has agreed.

Trump writes furious six-page letter to Santa

PRESIDENT Trump has written an incoherent and angry six-page letter to Father Christmas asking him to end the impeachment process.

Ireland to build bridge to France

IRELAND has confirmed it is beginning work on the Waterford-Caen overpass to link two countries that have yet to go mad.

Alright, we'll get over it, say Remainers

REMAINERS have announced that, three-and-a-half years after the referendum, they are to get over it.

Five ways to convince yourself you're an expat rather than an immigrant

ARE YOU a Brit living abroad but apoplectic with rage about foreigners living in the UK? Here’s how to convince yourself there’s a difference.

Trump understanding as much of Nato summit as a dog would

DONALD Trump is sitting uncomprehending through the Nato summit looking up eagerly whenever he hears his own name, aides have confirmed.

How to distract Trump while he's in London

PRESIDENT Trump arrived in London for a NATO summit last night, and we desperately need him to stay out of our politics. How can we distract him?