International

War with New Zealand over Weetabix 'doable', government advised

GOVERNMENT officials searching for a distant, easily winnable war to be Theresa May’s Falklands have declared New Zealand to be the best prospect yet.

Isle of Man to be renamed 'Manorca' post-Brexit

THE ISLE of Man is to be renamed Manorca should Brexit go ahead, it has been confirmed.

Man ejected from easyJet flight for being wrong kind of pissed

A MAN has been ejected from an Easyjet flight for being the wrong kind of pissed, it has been confirmed.

It is a really good cathedral, says Trump

DONALD Trump has backed two Russian tourists who visited Salisbury last March to marvel at the city’s 13th Century cathedral.

What are you going to do, send James Bond? says Russia

RUSSIA has reminded Britain that threats to dismantle its spy network carry little weight given the fictional status of our best agent.

I was just putting up a shelf, admits Russian astronaut

AN astronaut on the International Space Station forgot there was just space outside when he drilled a hole for a shelf, he has admitted.

Foreign holiday ruined by forgetting tea bags

A FAMILY who went on holiday to Italy had a dreadful time because they could not have a decent cup of tea, it has emerged.

I'm not leaving until you've bought some missiles, May tells Africa

THERESA May has vowed not to leave Africa until everyone has bought at least one British missile.

Fake news media having a particularly busy day

THE fake news media is busily reporting all kinds of lies and nonsense while ignoring the real story about how America is becoming great again, a source has claimed. 

Ten hours in sea 'more fun' than ten hours on cruise ship

A WOMAN has told rescuers than floating in the sea for ten hours was more enjoyable than being on a cruise ship.

Royal Family 'great for attracting incredibly annoying tourists'

ALTHOUGH the Royal Family brings in a large number of tourists, they are the absolute worst, it has been confirmed.

Trump spending $150m on Aberdeen golf course where he’ll someday be exiled

PRESIDENT Trump is lavishing $150m on the Aberdeen golf course where he will live out his days in exile from the USA.