Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is.

Trump ran property empire cash-in-hand, reckons plumber

A PLUMBER believes Donald Trump got away with paying no tax because he ran his multi-million property empire on a cash-in-hand basis.

Foreign holiday quickest and easiest way of getting coronavirus test

FLYING to Italy and being given a coronavirus test on arrival is far quicker and easier than trying to get one in the UK, the NHS has advised.

The optimist's guide to the current news shitstorm

COVID’S back, Brexit is reaching unprecedented levels of hardness, and Trump is planning another eight years. Try to look on the bright side.

How to convince the EU you really, really want a No Deal Brexit

YOU’RE in talks with the EU about a trade deal, as you have been for four years, but need to convince them you don’t actually want one. How do you do it?

Five sci-fi dystopias Trump appears to be basing America on

AS Donald Trump becomes ever more unhinged, one possible explanation is that he’s secretly a big fan of nightmarish alternate realities. Could these be his inspiration?

How to accept you'll never leave France

YOU thought you were fancy. You thought you could manage a little jaunt to France. Now you’ll spend the rest of your life there.

'You do realise we're all in France?' say teachers

TEACHERS have reminded the government that they are all in France, will need to quarantine for 14 days and school starting in September is completely f**ked. 

The most annoying bastards you'll meet on holiday

STILL going abroad on holiday? Good luck avoiding infection, good luck in quarantine and good luck avoiding other irritating tourists like these...

Leicester man holidaying in Spain all out of f**king options

A MAN from Leicester on holiday in Spain has admitted he is all out of f**king ideas about what to do next.

Did we say go to Spain? Sorry, we meant 'lose two weeks' income', clarifies government

THE goverment has clarified that when it said ‘go to Spain’ it meant ‘prepare for a fortnight’s house arrest and possibly losing your job’.

Middle-class twats postpone 'holibobs' until autumn

ALL the middle-class twats have decided to collectively postpone their holibobs until October half-term, they have confirmed.