Trump understanding as much of Nato summit as a dog would

DONALD Trump is sitting uncomprehending through the Nato summit looking up eagerly whenever he hears his own name, aides have confirmed.

How to distract Trump while he's in London

PRESIDENT Trump arrived in London for a NATO summit last night, and we desperately need him to stay out of our politics. How can we distract him?

The seven things Trump knows about British politics

DONALD Trump has weighed in on British politics again. Here are the seven things he knows about how our country works.

Six European characteristics to adopt before it's too late

WITH an election on the way and a Brexit deal secured, Remainers will have to work harder to maintain their continental savoir-faire. Try these methods:

The seven best worldwide locations to hide after drunk-texting your ex

IT’S A big world, filled with beautiful places; Paris, Mount Fuji, the Grand Canyon. But where’s the best place to hole up when you drunk-texted your ex the night before?

Northern Ireland the most desirable territory on Earth, Merkel confirms

GERMAN chancellor Angela Merkel has confirmed the EU would do anything to get its hands on Northern Ireland, the country everybody wants.

Irish making offensive jokes about the thick-as-pigshit English

IRISH people are increasingly joking about how unbelievably stupid the English are, they have confessed.

Trump spends ten minutes with Johnson and is in deep sh*t already

PRESIDENT Trump has spent three years getting away with murder but after ten minutes with Boris Johnson is now getting impeached.

Massively stoned Brit in Amsterdam pretending he can discern between skunk varieties

AN out-of-his-box British man in Amsterdam is claiming he can tell the difference between various strains of super-strong skunk.

I mixed up Ireland and the Isle of Man, admits Johnson

THE prime minister has confessed to his Brexit negotiating team that he confused Ireland, the independent country and EU member, with the Isle of Man.

Population of Luxembourg 'only six times the number of people who voted for Johnson'

CRITICS have hit out at Luxembourg for humiliating our prime minister when its population is only six times the number of people who elected him.

The foreigner's guide to what the f**k has happened to Britain

FOREIGN? Then you’re probably wondering why the mother of parliaments is collapsing like an Albanian pyramid scheme.