International

England team at no risk of poison or qualifying for second round, promises Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has promised that the England squad will be safe from both poison attacks and the second-round at this summer’s World Cup.

Moderate Saudi prince to pardon female hit and run victims

PRINCE Muhammad of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community after pledging to release more than 20 percent of his country's female hit and run victims.

Imagine watching that interview, but the British f**kwit is your prime minister, say Americans

AMERICANS have asked Britons to watch the Morgan-Trump interview again, but this time imagine the British idiot is now leading their country.

I have been invited to sing at royal wedding, says Trump

DONALD Trump has announced that Harry and Meghan have asked him to perform a medley of lounge classics at their upcoming nuptials.

Gap year teaches man lots of things everyone already knows

A 22-YEAR-OLD has returned from a gap year full of priceless first-hand knowledge that is only available to others via Wikipedia.

Brexiter convinced Bayeux Tapestry is wrong

A BREXITER believes the Bayeux Tapestry is bollocks because there is no way the Normans could have defeated the British.

Trump's 'cognitive ability' normal, he's just a prick, says White House doctor

DONALD Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed.

Trump blames cancelled London visit on Kirstie and Phil from 'Location, Location, Location'

PRESIDENT Trump has blamed his cancelled London visit on Barack Obama selling the US Embassy when he appeared on Location, Location, Location.