Aw, come on, what the f**k now? A guide to what's next for the US

THE US election is still going on, long after we hoped to wake up with the whole awful pain in the arse over with. What happens now?

Kanye West sweeps all 50 US states

THE presidential race has suffered a major upset after rapper Kanye West won an electoral landslide.

Nobody honestly believes the twat won't win

US polls have found that Joe Biden is leading by six points, has a nine-in-ten chance of sucess, and not one person truly believes that.

Science is bullshit, says man whose life has just been saved by it

DONALD Trump has confirmed that science, medicine and doctors are a load of bullshit.

Trump to be even more of a prick if he gets through this okay

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that if he survives Covid-19 without serious problems it will only make him more of a prick.

'Both sides just as bad as each other' says idiot

ALL politicians are no better or worse than any of the others, because they are politicians, according to an imbecile. 

Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is.

Trump ran property empire cash-in-hand, reckons plumber

A PLUMBER believes Donald Trump got away with paying no tax because he ran his multi-million property empire on a cash-in-hand basis.

Foreign holiday quickest and easiest way of getting coronavirus test

FLYING to Italy and being given a coronavirus test on arrival is far quicker and easier than trying to get one in the UK, the NHS has advised.

The optimist's guide to the current news shitstorm

COVID’S back, Brexit is reaching unprecedented levels of hardness, and Trump is planning another eight years. Try to look on the bright side.

How to convince the EU you really, really want a No Deal Brexit

YOU’RE in talks with the EU about a trade deal, as you have been for four years, but need to convince them you don’t actually want one. How do you do it?

Five sci-fi dystopias Trump appears to be basing America on

AS Donald Trump becomes ever more unhinged, one possible explanation is that he’s secretly a big fan of nightmarish alternate realities. Could these be his inspiration?