International

It should be me f**king you over, Trump tells Britain

PRESIDENT Trump has condemned the Brexit deal because it means Britain is being fucked over by the EU rather than the US.

Dubai still best holiday destination to get locked up for no f**king reason

DUBAI is still absolutely the best place to go if you want sun, luxury and to be imprisoned for life by a kangaroo court, say travel experts.

Gibraltar 'a real place'

GIBRALTAR is a real place and not a mythical island covered in monkeys and cheap fags, it has emerged.  

Trump to evade arrest by firing anyone who comes within ten feet

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that he will avoid criminal charges by simply firing anyone who attempts to arrest him.

'For a rambling, incoherent bigot I'm still doing surprisingly well'

FOR a rambling, bigoted shithead, I have done surprisingly well in the midterm elections.

Big wall f*cked

A MAN’s plan to build a big, stupid wall is fucked.

Yet another place that's too far away legalises weed

YET another country that is far too distant from Britain to be worth the trip has irritatingly made weed legal. 

Family holiday offers chance to clean up in exotic new kitchen

PARENTS of two young children are looking forward to clearing up from toddler related mayhem in unspoilt, glamorous kitchens in cities across Europe.

'Am I a bellend like that?' asks horrified Trump

A SHAKEN President Trump has asked aides if he resembles Kanye West after the egomaniac rapper visited the Oval Office.

It's lucky women can't vote, says Trump

PRESIDENT Donald Trump is relieved that women still do not have the vote, it has emerged.

Home of cannabis and prostitution draws the line at Marmite

A COUNTRY where cannabis and prostitution are legal and chemical weapons are analysed, has refused to have anything to do with Marmite.

War with New Zealand over Weetabix 'doable', government advised

GOVERNMENT officials searching for a distant, easily winnable war to be Theresa May’s Falklands have declared New Zealand to be the best prospect yet.