International

Big wall f*cked

A MAN’s plan to build a big, stupid wall is fucked.

Yet another place that's too far away legalises weed

YET another country that is far too distant from Britain to be worth the trip has irritatingly made weed legal. 

Family holiday offers chance to clean up in exotic new kitchen

PARENTS of two young children are looking forward to clearing up from toddler related mayhem in unspoilt, glamorous kitchens in cities across Europe.

'Am I a bellend like that?' asks horrified Trump

A SHAKEN President Trump has asked aides if he resembles Kanye West after the egomaniac rapper visited the Oval Office.

It's lucky women can't vote, says Trump

PRESIDENT Donald Trump is relieved that women still do not have the vote, it has emerged.

Home of cannabis and prostitution draws the line at Marmite

A COUNTRY where cannabis and prostitution are legal and chemical weapons are analysed, has refused to have anything to do with Marmite.

War with New Zealand over Weetabix 'doable', government advised

GOVERNMENT officials searching for a distant, easily winnable war to be Theresa May’s Falklands have declared New Zealand to be the best prospect yet.

Isle of Man to be renamed 'Manorca' post-Brexit

THE ISLE of Man is to be renamed Manorca should Brexit go ahead, it has been confirmed.

Man ejected from easyJet flight for being wrong kind of pissed

A MAN has been ejected from an Easyjet flight for being the wrong kind of pissed, it has been confirmed.

It is a really good cathedral, says Trump

DONALD Trump has backed two Russian tourists who visited Salisbury last March to marvel at the city’s 13th Century cathedral.

What are you going to do, send James Bond? says Russia

RUSSIA has reminded Britain that threats to dismantle its spy network carry little weight given the fictional status of our best agent.

I was just putting up a shelf, admits Russian astronaut

AN astronaut on the International Space Station forgot there was just space outside when he drilled a hole for a shelf, he has admitted.