THE goverment has clarified that when it said ‘go to Spain’ it meant ‘prepare for a fortnight’s house arrest and possibly losing your job’.
ALL the middle-class twats have decided to collectively postpone their holibobs until October half-term, they have confirmed.
Seven other Russian plots we could be blissfully unaware of if we hadn't bothered investigating them
RUSSIA trying to subvert our democracy? Bo-ring. Who cares? Not the Tories. Here’s seven other plots against Britain we should never have looked into.
THE USA could choose another four years of Trump, or gamble on an even bigger twat by electing President Kanye West. Who would suck harder?
AIR bridges mean that holidaying abroad is back on, so beet-red patriot Roy Hobbs explains how to make the most of two weeks in countries full of foreign bastards.
THESPIAN Danny Dyer has confirmed he is going to the United States to have a word.
PRESIDENT Trump has asserted that not only does hydroxychloroquine make him immune to the coronavirus, it grants him the power of flight.
RYANAIR has confirmed it will schedule just enough flights to ensure absolutely nobody who has booked this summer will get a refund.
ENGLISH people dreaming of visiting the Scottish highlands once lockdown ends are also imagining that they will be given a warm welcome.
GOVERNMENTS globally are rushing to discover a cure and vaccine for COVID-19 before they accidentally find a cure for capitalism.
THE news that a curiously-coiffed dictator is ill and his yes-man government is falling apart has left Britain, sorry North Korea, reeling.
ST PATRICK’S Day without pubs, inflatable shamrock hats and drunken en masse singing of the Pogues seems impossible. But here’s how to keep the craic coming at home.