International

May announces tough sanctions on Jeremy Corbyn

THE prime minister has announced strict new sanctions against Jeremy Corbyn.

Trump jumped his skateboard over a car ‘but only his cousin saw it’

DONALD Trump jumped his skateboard over a car but only his cousin saw it 'and you don't know him’ he has confirmed.

What if they become friends? asks terrified world

THE world is terrified at the prospect of two spoilt, freak-haired idiots becoming best friends.

England team at no risk of poison or qualifying for second round, promises Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has promised that the England squad will be safe from both poison attacks and the second-round at this summer’s World Cup.

Moderate Saudi prince to pardon female hit and run victims

PRINCE Muhammad of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community after pledging to release more than 20 percent of his country's female hit and run victims.

I have been invited to sing at royal wedding, says Trump

DONALD Trump has announced that Harry and Meghan have asked him to perform a medley of lounge classics at their upcoming nuptials.

Gap year teaches man lots of things everyone already knows

A 22-YEAR-OLD has returned from a gap year full of priceless first-hand knowledge that is only available to others via Wikipedia.

Brexiter convinced Bayeux Tapestry is wrong

A BREXITER believes the Bayeux Tapestry is bollocks because there is no way the Normans could have defeated the British.

Trump's 'cognitive ability' normal, he's just a prick, says White House doctor

DONALD Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed.

Trump blames cancelled London visit on Kirstie and Phil from 'Location, Location, Location'

PRESIDENT Trump has blamed his cancelled London visit on Barack Obama selling the US Embassy when he appeared on Location, Location, Location. 

Genius Trump unveils general theory of pussytivity

DONALD Trump has proved his credentials as a genius by setting out his scientific theory on the subject of ‘pussy’.

Trump in battle with hobo Trump

PRESIDENT Trump is locked in a vicious battle with Steve Bannon, his former chief strategist and shambolic, rail-riding alter-ego.