International

Castro To Spend More Time Persecuting Gays

CUBA’S ailing leader Fidel Castro is to retire from dictating so he can spend more time playing golf and persecuting gays, his aides confirmed last night.

De Burgh Concert Sparks Iranian Refugee Crisis

TEHRAN (Agence Mash-Presse): THE narrow, dusty road from Tehran to the Turkish border is normally quiet at this time of year.

British Teacher Held In Cuddly-Toy Namers' Wing

THE British teacher who allowed her pupils to name a teddy bear after a person has been sent to the maximum security, toy-namers' wing of Sudan's toughest women's prison.

Muslim Teddy Bear Has Paws Chopped Off

SUDAN was facing international sanctions last night after hacking off the little paws of a three year-old teddy bear.

Africans Disappointed To Discover $100 Laptops Are Not Full Of Food

COMMUNITIES across Africa have revealed their disappointment that the new $100 laptops contain no nutritional value.

UN Urges Musharraf To Hit Lawyers Harder

PAKISTAN president Pervez Musharraf was last night accused of ‘cynical populism’ after he ordered his police to round up thousands of lawyers and hit them with sticks.

Tutankhamun 'killed by frying pan', say experts

KING Tutankhamun died after being spanked very hard in the face with a heavy frying pan, a leading Egyptologist has claimed.

Power Of Positive Thinking Fails To Halt California Wildfires

POSITIVE thinking has failed to halt the wildfires in California with millions fleeing their homes despite staying fully focused on their goal of not seeing their house transformed into a smoking ruin.

Russia To Withdraw 400 Lap Dancers

PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has threatened to withdraw an entire squadron of lapdancers from central London, as the diplomatic row with Moscow escalates.

Iran To Perform Salman Rushdie Knighthood

IRAN last night offered to perform Sir Salman Rushdie's forthcoming knighthood ceremony saying recent television footage suggested the Queen was no longer "up to the job". 

Bob Marley 'Not Killed By Wizards', Admit Jamaican Police

POLICE in Jamaica have closed their 26-year investigation into the death of Bob Marley and admitted the reggae superstar was not murdered by wizards.

Iran Signs Four-Year Deal With Disney

IRAN has abandoned theocracy and signed a four year deal with Disney after two hours of talks with the US Government yesterday.