China Gives Spare Opening Ceremony Seats To Top Executioners

SEATS at the Olympic opening ceremony, boycotted by western leaders, are to be given to some of China's star executioners, the Beijing government said last night.

Ireland Begins Search For New Chief Leprechaun

IRELAND'S leprechaun catchers were grabbing their nets and pulling on their boots last night as the country began it's search for a new leader.

Mugabe Demands 5000 Gazillion Dollar Pension

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has agreed to resign in exchange for a pension of 5000 gazillion Zimbabwean dollars a year.

Mugabe Must Go, Say Ricky And Bianca

ROBERT Mugabe no longer commands the support of the Zimbabwean people and must resign from office, Ricky and Bianca said last night.

Japan To Offer Free Whaling Lessons

JAPAN is offering free whaling lessons and discounts on harpoons in a bid to encourage more people to take up its favourite leisure pursuit.

Business As Usual For Russian Poisoners

RUSSIA'S new president has told the nation's army of poisoners it is 'business as usual'.

'I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Turban' Claims Obama

DEMOCRATIC frontrunner Barak Obama has been forced to deny claims he had sex with a turban during a visit to Africa.

Jailed Saudi Men Blame Burqa Wearing Cock-Tease

A GROUP of Saudi men jailed for flirting have claimed they were driven to it by a provocatively dressed woman who flashed the bridge of her nose at them.

Olympic Boycott Would Jeopardise Supply Of £14.99 Dvd Players, Warns Brown

IF Britain wants to pay more than £15 for a DVD player then it may as well just go ahead and boycott the Beijing Olympics, the prime minister said last night.

'Bastard Chinese Tried To Poison Me' Says Indiana Jones

INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.

What's Wrong With Toasties? Un Asks Rat-Eating Thai Freaks

THE UN secretary general has written to the prime minister of Thailand asking why they don't just eat toasted sandwiches.

Wives All Round, Says Victorious Romney

A JUBILANT Mitt Romney last night promised 'wives for all' after storming to victory in the Michigan primary contest.