Oh No, He's Rubbish, Says America

PRESIDENT Obama staged an awkward beer conference with a policeman and an angry professor last night, amid growing concerns he might not be very good at this.

Carla Bruni Breaks President Of France

FRENCH president Nicolas Sarkozy has finally been broken by his unbelievably hot wife, it has been confirmed.

China Vows To Destroy The Moon

CHINA last night vowed to destroy the moon after a solar eclipse reduced its industrial productivity by almost one percent.

Backpacker To Explain Why He Smells Of Prostitutes

THE 19 year-old British backpacker found after two weeks in the Australian outback will today be asked to explain why he smells so strongly of prostitutes and gin.

Sarah Palin Summons Forces Of Evil

WHILE the world isn't looking, Sarah Palin has summoned an army of goblins, trolls and giant insects to her Alaskan fortress of evil.

MI6 'Outsourcing Torture To Indian Call Centre'

THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.

US And Russia Leave Just Enough Nuclear Weapons To Kill Everything Twice

THE world became a safer place last night after the United States and Russia agreed to keep just enough nuclear weapons to kill every living thing on the face of the Earth twice.

Sarkozy Calls For Sexier Burkas

PRESIDENT Sarkozy has criticised the wearing of burkas by French muslims, insisting they stop people seeing what an incredibly hot wife you have, if you have one, which he does.