DONALD Trump has announced that Harry and Meghan have asked him to perform a medley of lounge classics at their upcoming nuptials.
A 22-YEAR-OLD has returned from a gap year full of priceless first-hand knowledge that is only available to others via Wikipedia.
A BREXITER believes the Bayeux Tapestry is bollocks because there is no way the Normans could have defeated the British.
DONALD Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed.
PRESIDENT Trump has blamed his cancelled London visit on Barack Obama selling the US Embassy when he appeared on Location, Location, Location.
DONALD Trump has proved his credentials as a genius by setting out his scientific theory on the subject of ‘pussy’.
PRESIDENT Trump is locked in a vicious battle with Steve Bannon, his former chief strategist and shambolic, rail-riding alter-ego.
TONY Blair has explained that he was mates with the halfwit president who invaded Iraq, not this butterscotch-whirl-haired knobhead.
EXPERTS have warned that the world is within a single provocation of being hit by a tweeted dick pic from President Trump.
THE UK has agreed to share custody of Northern Ireland with the EU, and that it will look after the province Monday to Friday and split school holidays.
DONALD Trump has retweeted a far-right party’s Islamophobic propaganda in an attempt to get an invite to the Royal wedding.
AMERICAN media, dubbed ‘fake news’ by Donald Trump, have been urged to finally unearth the story that will leave him rotting in a prison cell.