International

Trump state visit downgraded to top-and-tailing with Nigel Farage

PRESIDENT Trump’s visit to the UK has been downgraded from being an offical guest of the Queen to sharing a bed at Nigel Farage’s place, it has been confirmed.

David Davis to retire just before Brexit so he can move to the Algarve

BREXIT minister David Davis will retire before 2019 because he fancies buying himself a nice place in the sun.

Arm everyone with machine guns, say unspeakable bastards

EVERY American should be given an automatic weapon, according to the country’s bastard pieces of shit.

Spanish government unveils next phase of totally unnecessary f**k-up

THE Spanish government has announced further plans for totally ballsing up for no reason, it has been confirmed.

Nigel Farage: Immigration has been a disaster for America from the very start

I HAVE come to you, America to tell the unpalatable truth - uncontrolled immigration has been a disaster for your country for almost 250 years.

Trump’s tweets to become erudite discourses of political philosophy

THE NEW 280-character tweets will enable President Trump to discuss his political ideology and the economic ideas underpinning it at proper length.

UK responds thoughtfully to German election with Hitler jokes

BRITONS have responded to the worrying rise of the far-right in Germany with thoughtful, well-considered Hitler jokes, it has emerged.

Kim Jong-un totally disarmed by cutesy nickname

KIM Jong-un and his North Korean regime have been completely disarmed by his friendly new nickname of ‘Rocket Man’, it has emerged.

Boris to help Irma relief effort by dangling from last remaining electricity cable in Anguilla

BORIS Johnson has flown to the hurricane disaster zone to dangle from the last remaining electricity cable under British control in the Caribbean.

Farage to speak at far-right German rally just like he dreamed of doing as a boy

NIGEL Farage is to speak at the rally of a far-right German party, just like he dreamed of doing when he was a boy at school.

I have no f**king idea where I'm going with this, admits Kim Jong-un

KIM Jong-un is not really sure what his nuclear weapons programme is meant to achieve, he has admitted.

How about we forget the bill and get straight to the part we like, says Davis

THE UK has suggested the EU skip this whole bill business and go straight to the part where we get everything we want.