At least we’re only on fire metaphorically, Johnson reassures UK

International

HORDES of drunk, obnoxious Spanish tourists have arrived in Scarborough to enjoy the sunshine and take no interest in any other aspect of Britain.

THE EU has threatened to send your elderly expat relatives home to live with you.

A NAZI occupation of Britain would not have included compulsory German lessons, Germans have confirmed.

BRUSSELS Airport is to save everyone's time by erecting a 40ft high illuminated sign reading ‘Fuck off, we’re keeping the backstop’.

THE GREEK parliament has ratified a law allowing the neighbouring Republic of Macedonia to change its name to the Republic of North Funkytown.

PEOPLE who want to remain in the EU really wish Jean-Claude Juncker was not so obviously unpleasant.

DONALD Trump will begin 2019 as president of the United States of America. But will he finish the year that way, and will the USA survive?

IN a move to allay fears that Brexit had damaged Britain's reputation, Europe confirmed the country has been a pathetic laughing stock for ages.

PRESIDENT Trump has condemned the Brexit deal because it means Britain is being fucked over by the EU rather than the US.

DUBAI is still absolutely the best place to go if you want sun, luxury and to be imprisoned for life by a kangaroo court, say travel experts.

GIBRALTAR is a real place and not a mythical island covered in monkeys and cheap fags, it has emerged.

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that he will avoid criminal charges by simply firing anyone who attempts to arrest him.