International

Trump expels 60 Russian porn stars

DONALD Trump has expelled 60 top Russian adult movie stars from the US in response to the Stormy Daniels TV interview.

Blue passports to reek of garlic

BRITAIN’S post-Brexit blue passports are to be impregnated with the stench of garlic and snails by their French manufacturers, it has emerged.

David Davis reckons he might do Israel-Palestine next

DAVID Davis is so impressed with his own negotiating skills that he is considering a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine next.

May announces tough sanctions on Jeremy Corbyn

THE prime minister has announced strict new sanctions against Jeremy Corbyn.

Trump jumped his skateboard over a car ‘but only his cousin saw it’

DONALD Trump jumped his skateboard over a car but only his cousin saw it 'and you don't know him’ he has confirmed.

What if they become friends? asks terrified world

THE world is terrified at the prospect of two spoilt, freak-haired idiots becoming best friends.

England team at no risk of poison or qualifying for second round, promises Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has promised that the England squad will be safe from both poison attacks and the second-round at this summer’s World Cup.

Moderate Saudi prince to pardon female hit and run victims

PRINCE Muhammad of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community after pledging to release more than 20 percent of his country's female hit and run victims.

I have been invited to sing at royal wedding, says Trump

DONALD Trump has announced that Harry and Meghan have asked him to perform a medley of lounge classics at their upcoming nuptials.

Gap year teaches man lots of things everyone already knows

A 22-YEAR-OLD has returned from a gap year full of priceless first-hand knowledge that is only available to others via Wikipedia.

Brexiter convinced Bayeux Tapestry is wrong

A BREXITER believes the Bayeux Tapestry is bollocks because there is no way the Normans could have defeated the British.

Trump's 'cognitive ability' normal, he's just a prick, says White House doctor

DONALD Trump has no obvious mental health issues, he is just a dreadful bastard, the White House doctor has confirmed.