Russia Evil After All

ALMOST 20 years after the end of the Cold War, it emerged last night that Russia really is evil and wants to kill everyone.

Don't look at it

As the crisis escalated in South Ossetia, experts said the west had been distracted from Russia's evilness by a procession of lapdancers and sexy tennis players.

Tom Logan, a former adviser to Ronald Reagan, said: "Everyone assumed the Cold War was a clash of ideologies, but what we were really saying was 'these people are absolutely fucking dreadful'.

"Gorbachev was the exception that proves the rule, but since then we've had an angry alcoholic and a guy who makes Michael Corleone look like a box full of puppies."

"When they're not rigging elections, gagging the press and poisoning their enemies, they love nothing more than bombing people, waiting for them to surrender and then bombing them some more."

He added: "When President Reagan called Russia the evil empire he wasn't saying communism was evil, he was saying these guys are Star Wars, Dark Side of the Force, evil for the sake of it, evil."

Meanwhile the Bush White House has issued a stern warning to Russia, raising the prospect of everyone being incinerated in a nuclear fireball thanks to a place they hadn't heard of until 36 hours ago.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said "South Ossetia was one of those regions invented in 1830 when some tall men with handlebar moustaches threw darts at a map.

"It's so obscure even people like me can't pretend to know anything about it. My friend Ian says it's got something to do with gas."