Russians Infiltrate Least Important Thing In Britain

INTELLIGENCE chiefs believe Russia may be engaged in a complex double bluff after infiltrating the office of a Liberal Democrat MP.

The Russians take allegations of this nature very seriously indeed

As Katia Zatuliveter, a researcher for Mike Hancock, faced deportation, MI5 sources said they have been up all night trying to determine what could possibly be gleaned from having access to something so irrelevant and annoying.

A senior official said: “We just can’t work out what they’re after, given that they must already know how to lie to students.

“There has to be something else, otherwise they may as well have placed a spy in the Macclesfield branch of Greggs.

“Perhaps they just desperately need top-quality information on how to be self-righteous, hypocritical fucknuggets.”

The source dismissed fears over Mr Hancock’s membership of the defence select committee, adding: “We have three types of information. The stuff that actually matters which we keep in a blue folder or leave on a train; the stuff we give to MPs, which is mostly receipts for Aston Martins and dinner jackets; and the random bullshit and magazine articles that we give to Lib Dem MPs.

“When Mr Hancock asked about the location of Britain’s nuclear submarine bases we told him they were all in Stevenage.”

The source also rejected claims the government was taking revenge for England’s failed World Cup bid, insisting: “If we really wanted to stick it to the Russians we’d restrict their billionaires’ private zoos to one snow leopard a piece and whack a 200% import tariff on lap dancers.”

Meanwhile there is also growing concern that the latest Russian spy suspect is only a six, or at best a ‘shitfaced seven’.

Martin Bishop, an IT specialist who studied in St Petersburg and speaks five languages, said: “She’s okay, but I fail to see how this photograph is going to use up three and a half minutes of my lunch hour.”