Lifestyle

Five staycations you can still be a middle class show-off about

HAVE travel chaos and quarantine ruined your plans for a posh foreign holiday you can show off about? Here are some horribly bourgeois British alternatives. 

Men who bring guitars to the park 'worst people ever'

MEN who take their guitars to parks and play them are the worst people in existence, it has been confirmed.

Only idiots enjoy very hot weather, say experts

PEOPLE who relish stifling temperatures of 30-plus degrees have smaller brains than those who do not, experts believe. 

Quarantine is the new skiing holiday, middle classes confirm

THE middle classes have confirmed that anyone returning to work or school without at least 10 days quarantine should be looked down on.

Beer helmets, and four other items of common sense PPE

NEED to protect yourself from this coronavirus year on every possible level? Try these items of non-medical PPE.

Feminist not sure she's feminist enough to keep lockdown body hair

A FEMINIST is not sure that she’s feminist enough to keep her lockdown body hair throughout August.

How to have a shite British holiday like when you were a kid

WITH foreign travel buggered and constant rain, conditions are perfect to recreate the wretchedly miserable UK holidays of your childhood.

How to stick to a socially distanced barbecue when you're pissed

Worried you’ll have too many glasses of Shiraz and attempt to sit on your partner’s attractive colleague’s knee? Here’s how to keep your distance to a strict one metre.

Middle-aged man reaches weird shed obsession phase

A MAN'S friends and family are becoming increasingly concerned by the amount of time he is spending doing mysterious things in his shed.

How did your parents' music collection ruin your childhood?

RUINING music for your children with terrible songs at formative moments is an important part of parenting. How did your parents do it?

The morning person's guide to being an insufferable twat

SPRING out of bed at the crack of dawn? The world hates you. Here’s how morning twats make life a living hell for the rest of us.

All youthful hedonism must stop, old people agree

BRITAIN’S over-40s have agreed that young people enjoying themselves must be outlawed now that they can no longer join in.