Lifestyle

Colleague selflessly keeping entire office updated on her sleeping patterns

A WOMAN has diligently kept her colleagues updated on the exact number of minutes of sleep she is getting each night.

Man wearing chinos must not be aware there are other kinds of trousers

A MAN wearing chinos must somehow be unaware of all the other kinds of trousers in the world, it has been claimed.

'What's the worst that can happen?' says owner of boa constrictor

THE owner of an 11ft long killer snake can not foresee any situation where his beloved pet causes him or anyone else any problems.

Magic Mike live show opens portal to hen party hell

THE Magic Mike Live stage show has opened a hen party hellmouth in London.

Man's 'signature dish' is his only dish

A MAN'S 'signature dish' is actually his only dish, it has been confirmed.

Nation searching for woolly hat that doesn't make it look like an arsehole

THE UK has begun its annual search for a warm hat that does not make it look like a complete and utter tosser.

Paganism much better than capitalism, confirm people frolicking while you're at work

BEING a Pagan who frolicks naked in the woods is much better than being a capitalist pig, experts have confirmed.

Couple buying everything from 'independent retailers' this Christmas told to just sod off

A COUPLE who are doing their Christmas shopping at independent retailers instead of buying the same stuff cheaper online have been told to do everyone a favour and sod off.

Woman who won't put fast food in her mouth will put bleach on her bumhole

A WOMAN will not put McDonald's food in her mouth but will put actual bleach on her anus, she has confirmed.

Gym shower temporarily out of order for 97th day in a row

A GYM has redefined the concept of 'temporary' after a shower has been 'temporarily out of order' for more than a quarter of a year.

Is your dog a higher social class than you?

EVERYTHING in Britain, from trees to lozenges, has its place in the class system. But is your dog the same social class as you, or does it look like that because it’s constantly sneering?

Group of women dancing in club spot man sashaying towards them

A GROUP of women having a lovely time dancing in a club have spotted a man sashaying towards them.