Lockdown restrictions relaxed for anyone in desperate need of a shag

THE government has announced that from today, an exception to lockdown and social distancing rules will be made for anyone seriously gagging for it.

Putting on weight and four other hot trends for this summer

THE coronavirus has altered lifestyles so drastically that sitting around in a grubby bathrobe eating cake all day is now de rigueur. But how else will lockdown shape the hot trends for this summer?

Families with gardens as f**ked as everyone else if it rains

FAMILIES who have been smugly enjoying their outdoor space are just as f**ked as the rest of Britain as soon as the weather is bad.

'Should I join TikTok?' and four other quarantine red flags

IN these difficult locked down times, it’s important to make sure you haven't completely lost your mind without even realising it. Here are some of the biggest warning signs to watch out for.

Are you horny because it's springtime or because you've been trapped at home for weeks?

EVERYBODY feels horny at the moment, but is it due to the sap rising and buds swelling or just because you haven’t had a shag for weeks on end?

Six things not to have in the background during a video call

ARE you spending a lot of time on frustrating Zoom calls? Here is a guide to things you shouldn’t have in the background.

Tap dancing, and four other unbelievably selfish new lockdown hobbies

WHAT better time to take up playing the bass than now, when your neighbours need the distraction of you failing to learn Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain? 

Five easy ways to create cheap lockdown thrills

NOW that the novelty has worn off not going to work and you've watched everything on Netflix, what can you do to create some measly highs in  life under lockdown? Here are some ideas.

How to TikTok, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

SALUTATIONS. I have recently been introduced to TikTok by one of my many children and found myself having a raucously good time. Thus, I present some tips on how to become a most splendid meme-lord.

Bear Grylls' guide to foraging in bins

YOU pussies are whining about lockdown, but I’ve survived harsher conditions by drinking my own piss and staying in a hotel. Here’s my guide to staying alive by foraging from bins.

How to keep pensioners trendy after coronavirus

PENSIONERS are the real comeback kids of coronavirus, with their viral smashes showing they’re not just a load of moaning old biscuit-munchers. But how will we keep old people chic after the crisis?

Trousers are weird, homeworkers realise

HOMEWORKERS have admitted they cannot imagine wearing anything other than pyjamas or dressing gowns ever again.