Lifestyle

The moron's guide to writing an Amazon review

DOES your useless new laptop from Amazon stop working when you use it in the bath? Here’s how to write a stupid and misleading Amazon review.

'Cocaine's great' says man with no concept of future beyond next three minutes

A MAN who has just snorted a line of cocaine has confirmed that the drug is ‘fucking brilliant’ and that tomorrow can look after itself.

Magazine in doctor's waiting room speaks of simpler time

A MAGAZINE in a doctor's waiting room has taken its reader back to happier times before Brexit, vape juice and compulsory recycling.

Cyclist shaves three seconds off telling-people-he's-a-cyclist time

A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.

Tattoo artist has moment of self-doubt about making people look shit

A TATTOO artist has had the disturbing thought that every customer looks worse, not better, after visiting him.

Losing scratchcard stared at for extra 20 seconds just in case

A LOSING Lotto scratchcard has been stared at for an additional 20 seconds on the chance that the buyer mistook £200 for £5,000 at first glance.

28-year-old woman has hobbies that would make a Suffragette vomit

A WOMAN who spends all of her free time sewing, baking and ballroom dancing would make the Suffragettes turn in their graves.

Twattish American things you can do to be 'on trend'

DO you think doing American things makes you interestingly ‘on trend’ and not just an ostentatious wanker? Here are some suggestions.

Man with stupidly expensive BMW wishing he'd just got a penis extension

A MAN who spent a huge amount of money on a new BMW could have got an actual penis extension for a fraction of the price.

Couple plan fun wedding with strict non-negotiable rules

A COUPLE who want a carefree, relaxed wedding everyone can enjoy in their own way also have a stringent set of requirements for guests.

Missing middle-class woman found under throw pillow avalanche

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman reported missing by her family has been found buried under an avalanche of throw pillows in her own home.

Spring is here and it's time to throw away everything you own!

THE birds are chirping, the buds are appearing on the trees, so it must be time to throw away every single one of the possessions holding you own.