Stoner to miss official cannabis day

A WEED-SMOKER will inevitably miss the official stoner day ‘4/20’ due to being in a cannabis-induced haze.  

Time deliberately speeding up and slowing down just to f**k with you

TIME deliberately goes faster when you are enjoying something and grinds to a halt when you are in a miserable situation, it has been confirmed.

Parents always choose same food they have at home in restaurants

A WOMAN is wondering why her parents bother to eat out when they always choose food that is indistinguishable from what they have at home.

Man just goes to cinema to be outraged by price of everything

A MAN has admitted he only goes to the cinema to indulge in righteous fury at the prices.

Woman hopes to be remembered for perfect middle-class lifestyle

A WOMAN who has an enviable figure, an Audi Q5 and a walk-in wardrobe is hoping her legacy will live on.

Five weekend activities that look really weird if you don’t have a kid

WEEKENDS can seem fun, but for the childless they’re really just long, boring days to shop through until the acceptable time to start drinking.

Teenager obsessed with phone battery has f**k all worth communicating

A TEENAGER monitors his phone battery closely in case anyone should miss out on his extremely unimportant thoughts.    

No one cares how tired you are

EVEN though it has been a really tough week and you are absolutely knackered no one gives a shit, it has been confirmed.