Woman who did declutter left with phone, duvet and vibrator

A WOMAN who carried out a declutter has been left with only her phone, duvet and vibrator.

London millennial excited to move into houseshare with family of mice

A 24-YEAR-OLD living in London cannot wait to meet her 32 new rodent housemates, she has confirmed.

Woman unable to leave Lidl without a bag full of crap

A WOMAN who only went into Lidl for a pint of milk has left the store with a patio heater, a fondue set and a faux fur throw.

Man with huge, poncey moustache claims he wants people to ask him about something else

A MAN with a large, carefully manicured moustache says he wishes people would pay less attention to it.

Everyone has bought all the wrong things from my Amazon wish list

I SHOULD have known better than to peek, but I couldn’t help myself. And now Christmas is ruined, because everyone has bought me all the wrong things from my Amazon wish list.

People with real fires told to stop dicking around and turn the f**king heating on

PEOPLE who spend hours making a fire have been reminded they could just put the bloody heating on.

Middle class families to open Christmas presents as late as possible

BRITAIN’S middle class families are drawing up plans to wait as long as possible before opening their presents on Christmas Day.

Artisan gin producers really scraping the weirdly-flavoured barrel

ARTISAN gin manufacturers have no idea if there are any palatable flavours left, they have admitted.

Colleague selflessly keeping entire office updated on her sleeping patterns

A WOMAN has diligently kept her colleagues updated on the exact number of minutes of sleep she is getting each night.

Man wearing chinos must not be aware there are other kinds of trousers

A MAN wearing chinos must somehow be unaware of all the other kinds of trousers in the world, it has been claimed.

'What's the worst that can happen?' says owner of boa constrictor

THE owner of an 11ft long killer snake can not foresee any situation where his beloved pet causes him or anyone else any problems.

Magic Mike live show opens portal to hen party hell

THE Magic Mike Live stage show has opened a hen party hellmouth in London.