'Shut up about the baby, I'm getting pissed' says new mum on night out

A NEW mum who is out on the piss for the first time since giving birth keeps being distracted by questions about her sodding baby.

Discovery of new star sign changes woman's entire personality

THE discovery of Ophiuchus, the 13th star sign, has altered a woman’s entire personality overnight.

Five disgusting habits you've picked up from being alone for too long

IT’S been months since anyone came round, and you were already letting things slide before. Here’s five horrendous lockdown habits you’ve picked up.

Cat knows you're whoring it out on social media

A CAT has confirmed that it knows you’re taking photos of its innate charm for validation on social media.

Are you having a breakdown or do you actually like the walls you painted dark grey?

YOU painted your walls dark grey because a Sunday supplement told you to. But is this just a manifestation of emotional crisis or do you like them?

Six tattoos commemorating the coronavirus lockdown you can get today

WORRIED this unique year of deprivation and confinement may fade from your memory? These six tattoos will ensure the coronavirus experience stays with you.

How to pretend to enjoy being on holiday when you're terrified

GOING on a theoretically relaxing week away but you’re actually so scared of touching any surfaces it’s going to be a nightmare? Here’s how to fake it.

Posh twat family commandeers two square miles of park for picnic

A FAMILY of posh twats has roped off two square miles of a public park to have a fancy picnic.

Not holding your friends' baby and other coronavirus get-outs

AS Britain attempts to get back to normal, thankfully there are still things COVID-19 can get you out of. Here’s how to wring the last benefits out of the crisis.

Six slang terms only the middle-aged understand

ARE your kids baffled by your use of retro argot from the 1980s? Want to connect with your peer group while keeping the young in the dark?

Six haircuts that say 'I was so excited to get to the hairdresser that I panicked'

HAIRDRESSERS are open again, so here’s six styles that say ‘I was so focused on getting there first I didn't think about what I wanted then buckled under pressure’:

How to start having dreadful middle class dinner parties again

WITH two households now able to meet, it’s the perfect opportunity to start showing off at dinner parties again. Here’s how to make them particularly irksome.