Lifestyle

Humans more excited for walkies than dogs

THE owners of dogs are now more excited than their pets about the prospect of walkies.

Six things to do with your hands now you can't touch your face

SINCE coronavirus has put an end to the joy of touching your face 23 times an hour, here are six other things to do with your hands.

Second home owners admit they didn't know locals were real people

BRITONS who have fled to their second homes have confessed they had no idea that the locals they saw there were actual existing people.

'Let's enjoy life while we can', says woman about to infect nan with COVID-19

A WOMAN who believes in living life to the fullest will this week infect her 71-year-old grandmother with the coronavirus.

How to reject online invites when everyone knows you're always at home

VIDEO conferencing means it’s easy to feel close to the ones you’re missing. But what about the ones you’re not missing, who are constantly inviting you to hang out online? Here are five fail-safe excuses to dodge them.

What to do now you've bought too much stuff like a f**king idiot

ARE you drowning in a sea of panic-bought bog paper and food? Here are some ways to use up your stock of irresponsible purchases.

Woman lasts three days in lockdown before deciding to cut her own hair

A WOMAN made it just three days into lockdown before deciding to cut her own hair for entertainment.

The Brexiter's guide to homeschooling

CORONAVIRUS is a great opportunity to stop your kids being force-fed leftie propaganda at school. Here fanatical Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains how to homeschool.

How to tick off your bucket list from your front room

YOU can’t leave the house, and it turns out most things are done outside the house. But what can you tick off from your bucket list while alone in the front room?

Britons spend lovely weekend being totally irresponsible dickheads

THE UK’s residents have spent a lovely weekend behaving like stupid, reckless wankers, they have happily confirmed.

Five smug middle-class social isolation activities

IF you’re middle-class and self-isolating, people still need to know that you’re better than them. Here’s how to do it.

Couple who do f**k all outraged they can't go out and do things

A COUPLE who never get off their arses are furious that they are not supposed to go anywhere at the moment.