Lifestyle

Mum measures success of playdates by how pissed she gets

A MOTHER judges her children’s playdates to have gone well if she has consumed at least two large glasses of wine.

There’s no good time to say this but we always hated you, empty-nesters tell boomerang kids

EMPTY-NESTER parents have told their adult children not to move back home because they never liked them and they were a mistake.

Man uses mystic insight to convince wife they need new car

A MAN has convinced his wife that they need to upgrade their car with his automotive soothsayer abilities.  

‘Sexy’ baths never, ever sexy

GETTING into a tub of tepid water with another human being always results in  disappointment, a couple have confirmed.

Man balancing on bike at traffic lights ‘not showing off’

A MAN doing that balancing thing on his bike at the traffic lights does not want you to look at him because he is ‘doing it for practical reasons’.

Middle class students excited to 'do weed' for first time

A GROUP of middle class students are terribly excited to 'do' some weed, it has been confirmed.

Self-obsessed twat declares entire week his birthday week

A TWAT has announced that a single day is not enough for his birthday.

Which bullshit new words are idiots using this week?

Splaintard: Someone who explains something in a way that makes it clear that they themselves do not understand it because they’re stupid.