Man committed to reaching ticket machine without opening car door

A DRIVER is committed to reaching a car park ticket machine without leaving his car or opening the door, no matter the cost. 

Man trapped inside pair of skinny fit jeans

A 32-YEAR-OLD man has spent the last three hours trapped inside a pair of super-skinny jeans in a changing room.

Which Tory MP is the gimp prowler of Somerset?

THE gimp-suited prowler of Somerset’s identity remains a mystery but, let’s face it, he or she will be a Conservative MP. But which?

Six phrases that instantly single you out as an absolute b*llend

MET someone who believes ‘gin o’clock!’ is the last word in wit? What a great timesaver to discovering they’re a tedious c*ck. Watch out for these:

How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends

SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.

Woman who asked for 'civilised' hen do realises she's made a terrible mistake

A WOMAN who told friends organising her hen do that she did not want anything involving penis straws, sashes or getting absolutely sh*tfaced is regretting her actions.

Man worried he has never had a fight

A MAN is worried he will probably die without ever having had a proper fist fight. 

Five bullsh*t old wives' tales idiots still believe in

DO you have an intellectually challenged friend or relative who absolutely will not give up their belief that carrots give you night vision? Here is some other rubbish to ignore.

The middle class family's guide to working class holiday resorts

EVEN the most middle class families sometimes have no choice but to visit a horrendous British seaside town. Here’s how to survive the experience.

Parents reassure themselves their children won't want to play with them forever

A COUPLE with young children are comforting themselves that one day their kids will not even want to be in the same room as them.

The ars*hole neighbour's guide to holding a garden party

HAVING a garden party? Keen on maximising aggravation to your neighbours? Here’s how.

How to slim down for summer in a batsh*t insane way

HAVE you run out of time to get slim for summer? Here are some weight-loss tips that are even more unhinged than the usual nonsense.