Woman who won't put fast food in her mouth will put bleach on her bumhole

A WOMAN will not put McDonald's food in her mouth but will put actual bleach on her anus, she has confirmed.

Gym shower temporarily out of order for 97th day in a row

A GYM has redefined the concept of 'temporary' after a shower has been 'temporarily out of order' for more than a quarter of a year.

Is your dog a higher social class than you?

EVERYTHING in Britain, from trees to lozenges, has its place in the class system. But is your dog the same social class as you, or does it look like that because it’s constantly sneering?

Group of women dancing in club spot man sashaying towards them

A GROUP of women having a lovely time dancing in a club have spotted a man sashaying towards them.

Dad determined to burn things that could just go in the rubbish

A DAD inexplicably keeps having unnecessary bonfires of items that could simply be put in one of the wheelie bins.

How to be a nutter at your child's football match

ARE you a super-competitive mum or dad who will not tolerate failure by your six-year-old’s football team? Here’s how to intervene in an unhinged way.

High roller has £102.40 in Nectar Points

A MAN feels he is doing pretty damn well in life due to his substantial wealth in Nectar points.

What does your car say about whether you believe your car is your personality?

THE car you drive says a lot about you, if you’re one of those people who consider their car to be a core component of their self-image. But are you one of those people?

Owning a speedboat in Britain 'a bit shit'

OWNING a speedboat in the UK is nothing like being in Miami Vice or indeed any fun whatsoever, a man has revealed.  

Five guilt-free holiday destinations for annoying middle class people to show off about

DO you want to go on a sickeningly expensive holiday whilst also making a big deal about the fact that you’re not flying there? Here are some excellent destinations.

Mummy blogger struggling to drink wine and swear at her kids every day

A MUMMY blogger has revealed she is struggling to live up to the unrealistic stereotype of swilling wine and screaming at her kids every day.

Woman briefly wonders if cocaine is vegan

A WOMAN pursuing an ethical lifestyle has briefly wondered if cocaine is vegan.