Lifestyle

Couple move to countryside for simpler life of getting up at 5am to commute

A COUPLE have moved to a small village so that they can enjoy fresh air, long walks, and catching a train to work at an insanely early hour.

Totally chaotic, f**ked-up mess of a family to get third dog

A FAMILY that exists in a state of filthy chaos has agreed that it would be great to get a third dog.

How to make sure no one sits next to you on the train

THE only way to stop a disgusting stranger sitting next to you on the train is to be that disgusting stranger. Here’s our guide to ensuring peace and quiet on your journey.

Sexually active older man confuses pharmacist with request for 'rubber johnnies'

AN older man enjoying a vigorous sex life found it difficult to buy condoms due to using dated euphemisms.

Vegan cat becoming totally unbearable

AN already arrogant cat has become totally unbearable after going on a vegan diet.

Fire pit gains couple twenty middle-class points

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple have leapt up at least two rungs on the social ladder by being the first in their circle of friends to buy a fire pit.

How to pretend you haven't seen people you don't want to talk to

ARE you always bumping into wanker neighbours or people you briefly met years ago, leading to stilted banter with long, awkward pauses? Here’s how to pretend you haven’t seen them.

Dog really feeling the pressure of making owner more interesting

A DOG is feeling the strain of having to compensate for his owner’s lack of personality.

Woman who knows she has no money still shocked when card is declined

A WOMAN who was aware her bank account was empty was still somehow shocked when her card was rejected.

Which painfully middle-class holiday are you booking?

ARE you planning a holiday that really establishes your middle-class credentials? Read our guide to the most pretentious breaks.  

Confident bastard loves dancing

A CONFIDENT prick actually enjoys spontaneously jerking his body around to music while other people watch, it has emerged.

Random things you can wear on your feet that are better than flip-flops

FLIP-FLOPS are shit. Plastic bags held on with elastic bands would look more stylish and keep your feet cleaner. So what other things could you use?