Lifestyle

Five sayings twats think are clever but everyone has heard

DO you think you’re impressing people by quoting wise sayings? Check they’re not the following overused phrases and you actually sound like a twat.

How to weed out your crap friends

NOBODY has more than six friends, and if you do most of them are filler. Here’s how to sift the worthwhile friends from the dregs dragging you down.

Couple spend so much on improvements it would have been cheaper to buy a new house

A COUPLE have opted to spend tens of thousands of pounds on home improvements instead of just buying a new f**king house. 

New parent covered in shit and puke told 'you'll miss this one day'

THE parents of a two-month-old baby were told to ‘treasure every moment’ as their daughter was covering them in vile bodily fluids.

The six most annoying bastards who come knocking at your door

WILL people not stop knocking on your front door? Either scrawl ‘COVID PLAGUE HERE’ on it or give short shrift to the following bastards.

How to be a ponce about your lockdown

WERE your lockdown experiences deeper and more meaningful than everyone else’s? Do you need to tell them?

Woman tragically unaware she's being judged

A WOMAN on the receiving end of a barbed, underhand comment has remained tragically unaware that she is being judged.

Thank f**k for that, say parents as children's parties are banned by law

PARENTS have thanked f*ck after new Covid rules make it illegal for 15 hyperactive kids to smash up their house.

Five people having more sex than you this weekend

THE weekend is the perfect time to unwind by banging relentlessly, but you and your partner will fall asleep on the sofa while others are having the best sex of their lives. Who are they?

Parents spend shitloads on trampoline so kids can play on it for two f**king days

A COUPLE spent 200 quid on a trampoline only for their kids to get bored of it after two f**king days.   

'Who on earth has six mates?' man wonders

A MAN who only has four friends is wondering what sort of person would be so popular that limiting gatherings to six people would be a problem.

How to enjoy Freshers' Week from your childhood bedroom: a guide for students

JUST because universities are moving online doesn’t mean you can’t have a debauched Freshers’ Week. Here’s how to kick off your university experience from your childhood bedroom at your parents' house.