Lifestyle

Your guide to being a coronavirus twat at the seaside

IT’S sunny, so ignore coronavirus completely and get yourself down to the nearest crowded seaside town. Here’s how to be as irresponsible as possible.

Which of your disgusting habits are your flatmates texting their friends about?

HAVE you got weird, disgusting habits and share a flat? Simply add one point for each of these activities and find out if other people are slagging you off to their mates. 

Kids wait in car with pop and crisps while parents get pissed in mate's garden

CHILDREN have been ordered to wait in the car with fizzy drinks and crisps so that barbecues do not exceed the six person limit.

The smug bastard's guide to sending greetings cards

DO you make friends and family feel guilty by always sending birthday and thank you cards? Try being even more irritating.

Barbecuing with the relatives and the other horrors available from today

AS OF this morning, residents of England can go for that barbecue in Uncle Brian’s garden they’ve been thirsting for. What other horrific activities can we no longer avoid?

What to talk about now you can't go on a lavishly expensive holiday this year

DO you usually base 90 per cent of your conversations around your ludicrously expensive holiday plans? Here’s what to show off about in 2020 instead.

Couple excited to invite friends round for a drink and a piss in their garden

A COUPLE are looking forward to lockdown easing enough to have friends over for a drink in their garden and a wee behind the shed.

Men happy to avoid talking to barbers

MEN are continuing to enjoy not having to make small talk with their barbers on a monthly basis.

Man washing car a disturbing number of times

A MAN’S neighbour has been washing his Ford Galaxy a frankly distressing amount of times, it has emerged.

Your guide to making eye contact during coronavirus

EYE contact is hard to get right at the best of times, but with people wearing masks it’s trickier than ever. Here’s how to not look creepy or mental.

Sex shops preparing for rise in postman-related fetish wear

SEX shops are stocking up on postman-themed costumes due to people developing a kink for them during lockdown.

Woman builds second home out of Amazon packaging

A WOMAN has ordered so much stuff from Amazon she has been able to build a second home out of all the packaging.