The creepy bastard's guide to grooming your body hair

HAIRY all over? Here’s how to groom it and maximise your sinister allure to men and women alike.

Woman on maternity leave has insane business idea

A WOMAN desperate not to go back to work after maternity leave has come up with an utterly insane business idea and actually wants to do it.

Man wearing rucksack on both shoulders

COMMUTERS want to know why a man who gets the same train wears his rucksack on both shoulders.

Discrimination wrong unless it's based on what car you drive

NO-ONE should be discriminated against unless they drive a car that singles them out as an utter w**ker, Britain has agreed.

Woman on deathbed regrets not doing more ironing

AN 88-year-old woman has confessed that her biggest regret is that she did not spend more time ironing clothes.

Couple book babysitter so they can spend whole evening looking at photos of their children

A COUPLE have hired a babysitter so they can spend a rare evening alone together looking at photographs of their kids.

Autumn is my favourite season, says kn*bhead who can f**k off

A TOTAL ars*hole has just proclaimed autumn to be his favourite of all the seasons.

Retired parents exhausted after day of completely unnecessary tasks

A MAN’S retired parents are looking forward to a rest after a punishing day of finding things to do that did not need doing.

Even foetus embarrassed by hideous 'gender reveal party'

A PARTY to reveal the gender of an unborn child is such a horrible, attention-seeking event that even the foetus in question is cringing.

The swingeing, petty rules to follow at your holiday flat

WELCOME to your holiday flat. We hope you have a wonderful stay, though I hope to make that less likely by settling these rules.

Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling

GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed. 

The idiot's guide to changing your name

WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.