Lifestyle

Helmet won't protect middle-aged skateboarder from shame

A SAFETY helmet will not protect a man from the shame of taking up a child's hobby at the age of 42, it has emerged.

Anyone referring to 'smarts' can f**k right off

PEOPLE who say they or anyone else has “got their smarts” should fuck off, everyone has decided.

Tedious twats with totally ordinary house want to give you 'the tour'

A COUPLE with a completely unremarkable semi-detached two-bedroom house still insist on giving guests ‘the grand tour’.

Excessive exclamation mark users vow they will 'never stop!!!'

PEOPLE who use a ludicrous number of exclamation marks have refused to write in a less annoying style.

Couple move to countryside for simpler life of getting up at 5am to commute

A COUPLE have moved to a small village so that they can enjoy fresh air, long walks, and catching a train to work at an insanely early hour.

Totally chaotic, f**ked-up mess of a family to get third dog

A FAMILY that exists in a state of filthy chaos has agreed that it would be great to get a third dog.

How to make sure no one sits next to you on the train

THE only way to stop a disgusting stranger sitting next to you on the train is to be that disgusting stranger. Here’s our guide to ensuring peace and quiet on your journey.

Sexually active older man confuses pharmacist with request for 'rubber johnnies'

AN older man enjoying a vigorous sex life found it difficult to buy condoms due to using dated euphemisms.

Vegan cat becoming totally unbearable

AN already arrogant cat has become totally unbearable after going on a vegan diet.

Fire pit gains couple twenty middle-class points

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple have leapt up at least two rungs on the social ladder by being the first in their circle of friends to buy a fire pit.

How to pretend you haven't seen people you don't want to talk to

ARE you always bumping into wanker neighbours or people you briefly met years ago, leading to stilted banter with long, awkward pauses? Here’s how to pretend you haven’t seen them.

Dog really feeling the pressure of making owner more interesting

A DOG is feeling the strain of having to compensate for his owner’s lack of personality.