Lifestyle

Britons spend lovely weekend being totally irresponsible dickheads

THE UK’s residents have spent a lovely weekend behaving like stupid, reckless wankers, they have happily confirmed.

Five smug middle-class social isolation activities

IF you’re middle-class and self-isolating, people still need to know that you’re better than them. Here’s how to do it.

Couple who do f**k all outraged they can't go out and do things

A COUPLE who never get off their arses are furious that they are not supposed to go anywhere at the moment.

Receipts at bottom of woman's handbag enough to wipe arse on for three years

A WOMAN is unconcerned about running out of loo roll because she has at least 3,000 crumpled receipts in her handbag.

Man buys 72 toilet rolls in morning, spends evening in pub

A MAN who spent his morning panic-buying toilet roll will spend his evening with a large group of regulars at his local. 

Mate in London proud he'll be in lockdown before everyone else

A MATE in London is showing off about being in total lockdown while friends in the provinces are so behind they can still leave their homes. 

People in bullshit jobs experiencing existential crisis

PEOPLE in jobs that are total bollocks are wondering if they have wasted their lives, they have confirmed.

Five shitty places for holidaying in Britain now you can't go abroad

WITH the coronavirus making summer holidays abroad unlikely, here are five shitty places you can choose to visit in Britain instead.

Woman pretending to be relaxed about shoes on or off

A WOMAN is pretending to be relaxed about whether guests should keep their shoes on at the front door or take them off.

Are you an unbearable control freak?

YOU'VE heard people mutter that you’re a 'control freak fun vacuum' but you think you just want things to be nice. So which is it?

Woman who 'journals' daily still full of self-indulgent shit

A WOMAN who spends 30 minutes a day writing her thoughts into a journal is still full of self-indulgent crap for all the remaining hours.

Parent stuck in trance after reading The Gruffalo 300 times

A FATHER who has read The Gruffalo every night for almost a year is now trapped in a trance with a thousand-yard stare.