Lifestyle

Man tells usual Friday lie about not spending entire weekend playing videogames

A 28-YEAR-OLD has once again pretended he has genuine plans for the weekend.

Britain marks Epiphany with weekend of Christmas dregs

BRITAIN is celebrating the day Christ was revealed as God incarnate by consuming a bottle of Bailey’s, some manky chocolates and a recording of Judi Dench: A Passion for Trees.

Men still struggling to describe how they want their hair cut

MEN have admitted that no matter how many haircuts they have had, they still fall into a state of mumbling idiotic confusion when asked how they want it done.

Mum praises kids for decorating tree while thinking 'what a f**king mess'

A WOMAN is inwardly seething over the colossal disaster her children have made of decorating the Christmas tree.

Couple who always buy real Christmas tree still pretending it's a good idea

A COUPLE who buy a real tree every Christmas are still insisting it is not a ridiculous pain in the arse.

Couple pathetically claim to be 'into hotels'

A COUPLE have made the sickening claim that their hobby is staying in boutique hotels.

Why is it so hard to buy a flat in a cool area of this incredibly expensive city?

ALL I want are the same things my parents wanted - a good job, a partner and a two-bedroom live/work space in a nice area of the world’s third-richest city.

Man who claims ‘I’m a bit of a night owl,’ actually just a lazy twat

A LAZY bastard who stays in bed until 12pm has claimed it is because he is a ‘night owl’.

Father of small children mysteriously takes 45 minutes in bathroom at weekends

A FATHER-OF-TWO able to complete a trip to the bathroom in under five minutes during the week inexplicably needs three-quarters of an hour at weekends.

Waitrose shoppers 'thrilled' to have excuse to go to Poundland

WAITROSE devotees going to Poundland to 'get rid of their old pound coins' have declared themselves to be 'utterly thrilled'.

Millennials drinking less than their parents did because pints aren't 40p

BRITONS born between 1984 and 2000 drink less alcohol than previous generations because it costs more than a fiver to get shitfaced, research has found.

Men to finally be told what a 'pumpkin spice latte' is

IN a major concession, women have finally agreed to tell men what a 'pumpkin spice latte' actually is.