A 28-YEAR-OLD has once again pretended he has genuine plans for the weekend.
BRITAIN is celebrating the day Christ was revealed as God incarnate by consuming a bottle of Bailey’s, some manky chocolates and a recording of Judi Dench: A Passion for Trees.
MEN have admitted that no matter how many haircuts they have had, they still fall into a state of mumbling idiotic confusion when asked how they want it done.
A WOMAN is inwardly seething over the colossal disaster her children have made of decorating the Christmas tree.
A COUPLE who buy a real tree every Christmas are still insisting it is not a ridiculous pain in the arse.
A COUPLE have made the sickening claim that their hobby is staying in boutique hotels.
ALL I want are the same things my parents wanted - a good job, a partner and a two-bedroom live/work space in a nice area of the world’s third-richest city.
A LAZY bastard who stays in bed until 12pm has claimed it is because he is a ‘night owl’.
A FATHER-OF-TWO able to complete a trip to the bathroom in under five minutes during the week inexplicably needs three-quarters of an hour at weekends.
WAITROSE devotees going to Poundland to 'get rid of their old pound coins' have declared themselves to be 'utterly thrilled'.
BRITONS born between 1984 and 2000 drink less alcohol than previous generations because it costs more than a fiver to get shitfaced, research has found.
IN a major concession, women have finally agreed to tell men what a 'pumpkin spice latte' actually is.
- Restaurant couple cheated on by waiter who was just as friendly to other diners
- Everyone in yoga class pretending to ignore all the flatulence
- 'Cosplay not just fancy dress' says man dressed as Chewbacca or maybe some kind of hairy elf
- Woman giving herself pep talk in mirror accidentally summons Morrissey