Lifestyle

Middle class students excited to 'do weed' for first time

A GROUP of middle class students are terribly excited to 'do' some weed, it has been confirmed.

Self-obsessed twat declares entire week his birthday week

A TWAT has announced that a single day is not enough for his birthday.

Which bullshit new words are idiots using this week?

Splaintard: Someone who explains something in a way that makes it clear that they themselves do not understand it because they’re stupid.

Woman wearing shitloads of perfume making everyone else wear it too

A WOMAN who liberally douses herself in awful perfume is leaving an invasive trail of scent on everyone she touches, it has emerged.

Record collector who sees difference between 'Near Mint' and 'Very Good' will never find true love

A RECORD collector who sees a noticeable difference between 'Near Mint' and 'Very Good' is destined to always be alone, it has been confirmed.

Vegan birthday cake just made of flour and sadness

A VEGAN birthday cake is just a pile of flour tinged with disappointment and sadness, it has been confirmed.

People who say 'there's no such thing as bad weather just bad clothing' wrong

EXPENSIVE technical wear has turned mild-mannered ramblers into delusional maniacs unable to tell the difference between good and bad, it has been confirmed.

Woman plans agreeable weekend reading lovely big book about shagging

A WOMAN has unveiled plans to spend a delightful weekend curled up in an armchair reading a massive book about shagging.

Young London couple build dream home out of avocado

A COUPLE have finally acquired their dream home by hollowing out an avocado and living inside it.

If it doesn’t make you piss in a wardrobe, is it really alcohol? asks Britain

BRITISH drinkers have confirmed that any alcoholic drink that does not make you vomit, start a fight or urinate in or on furniture is just fizzy pop.

Man adopts weird accent after doing ancestry DNA test

A MAN who completed a DNA test has turned up at work with a bizarre accent.

Cafe owner would prefer invasion of bikers than middle-class mums

THE chaos and disruption of an invasion of middle-class mums and their spoilt children makes a Hell’s Angels rampage look like nothing, a cafe owner has claimed.