Lifestyle

Man urgently needs to buy himself something

A MAN who has had a tough week is urgently searching for something he can buy himself to cheer himself up.

'Foodies' congratulate themselves on ability to eat

THOUSANDS are self-styled 'foodies' are trumpeting their ability to orally process nutrients, it has emerged.

Couple move house to be in catchment area of 'outstanding' Waitrose

A COUPLE have relocated to a smaller house to be in the catchment area of an outstanding Waitrose, they have confirmed.

Family spend 30 grand on camping gear for 'cheaper holidays'

A FAMILY who bought a tent to save money have been forced to blow their life savings on all the fucking equipment you need to go with it.

Five ways to put off going to the toilet

YOUR body might be telling you it urgently needs to go to the bathroom, but sometimes it’s just too much hassle. Here’s how to put it off like the lazy bastard you are.  

House plant wishing it wasn't in room where everyone sh*ts

A SPIDER plant is fed up of spending its life in a damp room where people go to the bog.

Blonde men asked not to grow beards

BLONDE men have been officially advised not to experiment with facial hair for the safety and happiness of those who must look at them.

Six ways to be superior when showing people your vinyl collection

WHAT is showing someone your record collection except a chance to prove you’re better than them? Here are some ways to really be a wanker about it.

Couple who went to New York making sure everyone knows they stayed in Brooklyn

A COUPLE who went on holiday to New York are making sure everyone knows they stayed in the ‘coolest’ area, Brooklyn.

Arsehole actually writes on gift bag label

A FRIEND has actually written a personal message on the gift bag containing her pal’s birthday present, confirming herself to be a a total arsehole.

Artisan bakery like methadone clinic for middle class people

AN artisan bakery is making middle class people behave as if it were dispensing a heroin-like substance.

Ride-on lawnmower still pinnacle of man's desire

A MAN has still not achieved his life’s goal of owning a ride-on lawnmower and a garden big enough to use it, he has confessed.