Lifestyle

'It's my birthday week' says woman who needs to grow the f**k up

A SELFISH brat of a woman has announced that she expects her birthday celebrations to last an entire bloody week.

The totally unnecessary baby stuff you'll be conned into buying

ANXIOUS first-time parent? Here’s five essential bits of newborn kit from businesses who capitalising on your gullibility.

Wear a jumper, and other really f**king obvious autumn wardrobe ideas

THE leaves are turning, the nights are drawing in, it will soon be f**king freezing. Try these excruciatingly obvious ways of adapting your wardrobe.

Retired parents begin epic quest to buy a new frying pan

A WOMAN’S elderly parents have set out on a quest to replace a non-stick frying pan which could take weeks or even years.

The middle class guide to sex caves

FORGET about the loft conversion - sex caves are the new must-have middle-class interior space. Here’s how to make sure yours is better than everyone else’s:

I'm keeping my children off school because they're better than your children

ACROSS England, children are returning to school today. But not my children. Because they are better and more special than your children.

Big Asda named top holiday destination of 2021

BIG Asdas have topped this year’s list of top holiday destinations because of their spacious car parks, friendly locals, and huge range of things that shut kids up.

The pensioner's guide to why Britain is just terrible nowadays

FROM teenage policemen to reality TV, Britain is a terrible country to live in these days. 76-year-old Roy Hobbs lists a few of the problems.

Wanker fixing up classic car

AN absolute wanker is going to fix up a classic car, he has revealed.

The best places to judge others this bank holiday

BANK holidays used to mean trips to the beach, but in our pandemic times the fun now lies in harshly judging other people going on trips to the beach. Check out these locations:

Your dad's guide to autumn fashion

ALRIGHT kiddo, it’s Dad. I know you wanted a new coat but we're saving for a hot tub to spice up our sex life. How about fashion tips from your old man instead?

'What the hell am I doing here?' asks remote worker still living in London

A WOMAN who still works from home in an overpriced London flat has started to question her living arrangements.