SMUG middle-class families can’t ruin this Christmas by popping round, but they can still pen round-robin letters concealed in cards like the IEDs of humblebragging.
A DRIVEN, self-reliant career woman has three days left before a fortnight vegging out in her parents’ lounge over Christmas, she has confirmed.
HAS your hairdresser mutilated your coiffure beyond repair? Here’s how to burn down your life and start again.
LONDON entering tier 3 lockdown is great news if you’re nuturing a hatred of London and everyone in it. Are you one of those dicks?
BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them.
YOUR 2019 self didn’t have a clue about the shitstorm that was heading their way. Here are five now commonplace activities they also couldn’t have foreseen.
DO you think people care about your self-indulgent problems at the moment? Here are five common complaints you shouldn’t expect anyone to give a f**k about.
A CAT has expressed its love for its owner by slicing his face open with its knife-like claws, he has confirmed.
DOES your father have no recognisable hobbies or interests? These Christmas present options will elicit a grunt of grudging gratitude.
NOT got enough on your entirely self-imposed Christmas to-do list? Here’s how to make December as pointlessly exhausting as possible.
A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.
ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.