Lifestyle

Five tips on writing a round robin letter that triggers white-hot fury

SMUG middle-class families can’t ruin this Christmas by popping round, but they can still pen round-robin letters concealed in cards like the IEDs of humblebragging.

Independent career woman can't wait to lie on parents' sofa for two weeks

A DRIVEN, self-reliant career woman has three days left before a fortnight vegging out in her parents’ lounge over Christmas, she has confirmed.

How to start a new life after getting a bad haircut

HAS your hairdresser mutilated your coiffure beyond repair? Here’s how to burn down your life and start again.

Do you have an irrational hatred of London?

LONDON entering tier 3 lockdown is great news if you’re nuturing a hatred of London and everyone in it. Are you one of those dicks?

Fairy lights solve everything, says Britain

BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them.

Five everyday activities you couldn't have predicted this time last year

YOUR 2019 self didn’t have a clue about the shitstorm that was heading their way. Here are five now commonplace activities they also couldn’t have foreseen.

'I should be abroad now' and other complaints nobody gives a f**k about

DO you think people care about your self-indulgent problems at the moment? Here are five common complaints you shouldn’t expect anyone to give a f**k about.

Cat shows affection for owner by raking his face with razor-sharp claws

A CAT has expressed its love for its owner by slicing his face open with its knife-like claws, he has confirmed.

Your guide to buying presents for dads with no interests

DOES your father have no recognisable hobbies or interests? These Christmas present options will elicit a grunt of grudging gratitude.

How to make December utterly exhausting for no reason

NOT got enough on your entirely self-imposed Christmas to-do list? Here’s how to make December as pointlessly exhausting as possible.

Middle class woman refusing to give Ocado driver five stars because he said 'ain't'

A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.

Short shag and curtain bang: hair styles or sex positions?

ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.