Lifestyle

There’s no good time to say this but we always hated you, empty-nesters tell boomerang kids

EMPTY-NESTER parents have told their adult children not to move back home because they never liked them and they were a mistake.

Man uses mystic insight to convince wife they need new car

A MAN has convinced his wife that they need to upgrade their car with his automotive soothsayer abilities.  

‘Sexy’ baths never, ever sexy

GETTING into a tub of tepid water with another human being always results in  disappointment, a couple have confirmed.

Man balancing on bike at traffic lights ‘not showing off’

A MAN doing that balancing thing on his bike at the traffic lights does not want you to look at him because he is ‘doing it for practical reasons’.

Middle class students excited to 'do weed' for first time

A GROUP of middle class students are terribly excited to 'do' some weed, it has been confirmed.

Self-obsessed twat declares entire week his birthday week

A TWAT has announced that a single day is not enough for his birthday.

Which bullshit new words are idiots using this week?

Splaintard: Someone who explains something in a way that makes it clear that they themselves do not understand it because they’re stupid.

Woman wearing shitloads of perfume making everyone else wear it too

A WOMAN who liberally douses herself in awful perfume is leaving an invasive trail of scent on everyone she touches, it has emerged.

Record collector who sees difference between 'Near Mint' and 'Very Good' will never find true love

A RECORD collector who sees a noticeable difference between 'Near Mint' and 'Very Good' is destined to always be alone, it has been confirmed.

Vegan birthday cake just made of flour and sadness

A VEGAN birthday cake is just a pile of flour tinged with disappointment and sadness, it has been confirmed.

People who say 'there's no such thing as bad weather just bad clothing' wrong

EXPENSIVE technical wear has turned mild-mannered ramblers into delusional maniacs unable to tell the difference between good and bad, it has been confirmed.

Woman plans agreeable weekend reading lovely big book about shagging

A WOMAN has unveiled plans to spend a delightful weekend curled up in an armchair reading a massive book about shagging.