Arsehole actually writes on gift bag label

A FRIEND has actually written a personal message on the gift bag containing her pal’s birthday present, confirming herself to be a a total arsehole.

Artisan bakery like methadone clinic for middle class people

AN artisan bakery is making middle class people behave as if it were dispensing a heroin-like substance.

Ride-on lawnmower still pinnacle of man's desire

A MAN has still not achieved his life’s goal of owning a ride-on lawnmower and a garden big enough to use it, he has confessed.

Mum blows entire life savings at school fete

A MOTHER-of-two has spent every single penny she had in a single afternoon at the school’s summer fete.

Five ways to join in the leg-washing 'debate' even though it's idiotic

MANY people have admitted they don’t wash their legs in the shower, sparking a furious Twitter ‘debate’. Here are some handy comments to help you join in.

Millennial resigns herself to having 'plant babies'

A WOMAN who cannot afford to buy a house and fill it with children has decided to become the 'mum' of her houseplants instead.

Global warming is excellent, sunbather tells other morons

A WOMAN has actually told her friends that climate change is fine because she has already got a tan in May.

Middle-class family struggling to outdo themselves

AN extremely middle-class family are struggling to outdo themselves with ostentatious displays of middle-classness.

Londoners spend every weekend pretending to live in different bit of London

A LONDON couple spend all their weekends claiming to live in a nearby but better part of London, their friends have confirmed.

How to pretend you haven't farted

DO you sometimes let slip a vile fart in the office or other embarrassing situation? Here’s how to get away with it.

Parents aware 'family fun' pool session is large bath full of piss

ANY parent teaching their child to swim is fully aware that the shallow pool they must get into is basically a massive vat of toddler urine.

'Making memories' confirmed to be same thing as 'existing'

PEOPLE who claim they are ‘making memories’ are just putting a twee spin on the endless drudgery of being alive, it has been confirmed.