A LAZY bastard who stays in bed until 12pm has claimed it is because he is a ‘night owl’.
A FATHER-OF-TWO able to complete a trip to the bathroom in under five minutes during the week inexplicably needs three-quarters of an hour at weekends.
WAITROSE devotees going to Poundland to 'get rid of their old pound coins' have declared themselves to be 'utterly thrilled'.
BRITONS born between 1984 and 2000 drink less alcohol than previous generations because it costs more than a fiver to get shitfaced, research has found.
IN a major concession, women have finally agreed to tell men what a 'pumpkin spice latte' actually is.
A COUPLE in a restaurant were betrayed by a waiter who was just as warm and friendly to some other people, it has emerged.
ALL the participants in a yoga class are casually pretending that everyone is not constantly breaking wind, it has emerged.
A MAN who spends his weekends dressing up as some sort of sci-fi chipmunk creature has defended the practice.
A WOMAN giving herself a motivational pep talk in the mirror has accidentally summoned Morrissey.
GLUTEN-free brownies contain the same ingredients as a bag of old, dried up compost from B&Q, it has been confirmed.
A MAN who drives a BMW is ‘sort of an okay person, once you get to know him’, it has been claimed by two people.
A 27-year-old man has unveiled a shopping basket described by witnesses as an ‘epic tragedy’.