Lifestyle

Man who claims ‘I’m a bit of a night owl,’ actually just a lazy twat

A LAZY bastard who stays in bed until 12pm has claimed it is because he is a ‘night owl’.

Father of small children mysteriously takes 45 minutes in bathroom at weekends

A FATHER-OF-TWO able to complete a trip to the bathroom in under five minutes during the week inexplicably needs three-quarters of an hour at weekends.

Waitrose shoppers 'thrilled' to have excuse to go to Poundland

WAITROSE devotees going to Poundland to 'get rid of their old pound coins' have declared themselves to be 'utterly thrilled'.

Millennials drinking less than their parents did because pints aren't 40p

BRITONS born between 1984 and 2000 drink less alcohol than previous generations because it costs more than a fiver to get shitfaced, research has found.

Men to finally be told what a 'pumpkin spice latte' is

IN a major concession, women have finally agreed to tell men what a 'pumpkin spice latte' actually is.

Restaurant couple cheated on by waiter who was just as friendly to other diners

A COUPLE in a restaurant were betrayed by a waiter who was just as warm and friendly to some other people, it has emerged.

Everyone in yoga class pretending to ignore all the flatulence

ALL the participants in a yoga class are casually pretending that everyone is not constantly breaking wind, it has emerged.

'Cosplay not just fancy dress' says man dressed as Chewbacca or maybe some kind of hairy elf

A MAN who spends his weekends dressing up as some sort of sci-fi chipmunk creature has defended the practice.

Woman giving herself pep talk in mirror accidentally summons Morrissey

A WOMAN giving herself a motivational pep talk in the mirror has accidentally summoned Morrissey.

Gluten-free brownies mostly compost

GLUTEN-free brownies contain the same ingredients as a bag of old, dried up compost from B&Q, it has been confirmed.

BMW driver ‘actually a pretty decent bloke’ claim two people

A MAN who drives a BMW is ‘sort of an okay person, once you get to know him’, it has been claimed by two people.

27-year-old man man unveils utterly tragic shopping basket

A 27-year-old man has unveiled a shopping basket described by witnesses as an ‘epic tragedy’.