Couple who don't own screwdriver want to buy chateau in France

A COUPLE who can barely put up a shelf have decided they want to buy a tumbledown chateau in rural France.

The dad's guide to hoarding a load of crap

ARE you a dad? Is all that stuff important, easily fixed, or you’ll need it the week after you throw it away? Follow these hoarding tips.

How to be as annoying as possible when living in an upstairs flat

DO you have downstairs neighbours? Do you want to make their lives a misery no matter what hour of the day or night? Here’s what to do.

'Live, Laugh, Love': the inspirational phrases you put on the wall that make you look like an idiot

Did you think it was a good idea to decorate your home with vapid inspirational quotes? These trite phrases are mocking you from your walls right now.

Getting pissed in the park on cider making a comeback

GETTING blind drunk with a mate on a freezing cold park bench is now the best thing to do at the weekend thanks to lockdown.

The insecure man's guide to what makes you look gay

BEING a straight man is all about having big muscles and an obsession with your penis. Anything else makes you look really gay, explains totally-not-gay man Tom Booker.

'No big Christmas gatherings' means 'Big Christmas gatherings', says UK

THE British public believes advice to limit the size of Christmas gatherings means you should have loads of people from different households over. 

Arsehole who was 'up and about before 6am' feels need to tell everyone about it

A MAN who got up slightly earlier than most people wrongly believes everyone is interested in this fact.

Couple mistakenly enlarge terrifying photo of newborn onto giant canvas

THE sleep-deprived parents of a newborn baby have enlarged a photo of her onto a three-foot canvas where she looks like a mutant freak.

Family alarmed after Dad cries at something other than sport

A FAMILY are worried about the man of the house after he shed tears at a non-sporting event for the first time in their whole lives.

Six everyday unexplained complete f**king mysteries

IS everyday life full of baffling questions you’re losing sleep over? Here are some mysteries that confuse the nation every single day.

My morning routine, by a woman who is lying

HOW you start the day has a huge impact on your life, and I’m here to tell you, in barely credible terms, how to begin yours in the best, most bullshit way.