How are you interpreting rules for your own benefit?

RULES needn’t be a hassle if, like Dominic Cummings, you use your ingenuity. Here’s how to interpret them in a way that’s right for you.

How have you changed for the worse during the lockdown?

THESE long weeks of house arrest have turned most of us into an even worse version of ourselves. In what ways have you become more of an arsehole than you already were?

Birdsong, embroidery and other simple joys that are shit compared to the pub

BRITONS are returning to wholesome pursuits such as listening to owls hoot and sewing quilts with the enthusiasm of people who have given up on the idea of fun.

Mum realises she has become unpaid PA to eight-year-old child

A MUM has realised that she has somehow become a PA to her eight-year-old daughter during lockdown.

Coronavirus sick of London already

THE coronavirus has confirmed that three months in London is more than enough and it is moving somewhere else for a better quality of life.

Family visiting seaside remember why they stopped going

A FAMILY that decided to go to the seaside for the first time in years were quickly reminded that Britain's coastal towns are dilapidated shitholes.

Brits who think Britain is best country in world appalled at idea of holidaying there

LEAVE-VOTING Britons are horrified at the prospect of vacationing in their own country instead of their first choice, Europe.

How to be a big tough man about wearing a mask

MEN are apparently less likely to wear a face mask because it’s seen as a sign of weakness. Here’s how to wear one in a super-butch masculine way.

Mum's blood runs cold as she remembers the school run

THE thought of driving her children to school again is terrifying a woman more than the coronavirus.

Middle-class family camping in garden find even more middle-class family now lives in their house

A FAMILY camping in their extensive garden have discovered that a slightly higher-on-the-ladder middle-class family has occupied their house.

The five questions you actually want to ask on your video calls

STUCK asking about the health of your friends’ elderly parents at Zoom o’clock? Here are the questions you really want to ask.

What shit are you buying to cheer yourself up?

BORED of all this? Go online and buy yourself a morale-boosting treat that you won’t want by the time it arrives. But what?