Lifestyle

Fire pit gains couple twenty middle-class points

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple have leapt up at least two rungs on the social ladder by being the first in their circle of friends to buy a fire pit.

How to pretend you haven't seen people you don't want to talk to

ARE you always bumping into wanker neighbours or people you briefly met years ago, leading to stilted banter with long, awkward pauses? Here’s how to pretend you haven’t seen them.

Dog really feeling the pressure of making owner more interesting

A DOG is feeling the strain of having to compensate for his owner’s lack of personality.

Woman who knows she has no money still shocked when card is declined

A WOMAN who was aware her bank account was empty was still somehow shocked when her card was rejected.

Which painfully middle-class holiday are you booking?

ARE you planning a holiday that really establishes your middle-class credentials? Read our guide to the most pretentious breaks.  

Confident bastard loves dancing

A CONFIDENT prick actually enjoys spontaneously jerking his body around to music while other people watch, it has emerged.

Random things you can wear on your feet that are better than flip-flops

FLIP-FLOPS are shit. Plastic bags held on with elastic bands would look more stylish and keep your feet cleaner. So what other things could you use?

Man desperately in need of a real man about the house

A MAN has decided he needs a real man to come and live with him to make up for his shortcomings as a male.

Quiz: Do you live to work, work to live, or just half-arse both?

THE work-life balance is the key issue of our age, but is it possible to get through without really putting the effort into either? Take our quiz.  

'Sound of the summer' is bastard neighbour's hedge trimmer

BRITAIN’S neighbours intend to trim their hedges relentlessly until Autumn, they have announced.

Man keeps hitting snooze button like an idiot

A MAN never just gets up and instead hits snooze on his clock radio until the last possible moment before he has to go to work.

Man's first meditation session instantly derailed by erection

A MAN'S first attempt to find a more spiritual way of life was scuppered by the almost instantaneous arrival of an erection.