How to scare the shit out of people, by a house spider

WANT to make people jump out of their skin at a moment’s notice? Here house spider Roy Hobbs explains how to terrify otherwise rational adult humans.

The couple's guide to being dicks about moving out of London

ARE you planning to move out of London and believe it is the most important event in human history? Here’s how to drone on about it in a self-absorbed, middle class way.

The single person's guide to coping with your neighbours having great sex

WHEN you’re trapped at home and single, the last thing you need is to hear is the bedroom antics of your horny neighbours. Here are some coping strategies.

Chill the f**k out about dinosaurs, kids told

CHILDREN have been asked to please, God, chill the f**k out about dinosaurs.

How to get over the injustice of your teenage niece having bigger boobs than you

MET up with family? Your niece – who’s 17 for God’s sake – already developed in ways you never will? Here’s how to curb your boob envy.

Woman whose home looks stylish in video calls lying to herself and world

A WOMAN who made a corner of her flat appear minimalist and sleek for the purpose of video calls is starting to believe her own lies. 

'Glamping' just as shit as camping

GLAMPING is just camping with a wood-burning stove and a string of fairy lights, new research has found.

MDMA not great for social distancing, party reports

A PARTY has acknowledged that if you want to keep up social distancing, MDMA is not the right drug.

'I really like it in here', says man on toilet

A MAN who has been on the loo for the past 40 minutes while his family is downstairs has quietly admitted that this is the best part of his day.

Five staycations you can still be a middle class show-off about

HAVE travel chaos and quarantine ruined your plans for a posh foreign holiday you can show off about? Here are some horribly bourgeois British alternatives. 

Men who bring guitars to the park 'worst people ever'

MEN who take their guitars to parks and play them are the worst people in existence, it has been confirmed.

Only idiots enjoy very hot weather, say experts

PEOPLE who relish stifling temperatures of 30-plus degrees have smaller brains than those who do not, experts believe.