Lifestyle

Download festival finally brings hell to earth

THE realm of Hades itself has finally been brought to our earthly plane at this weekend’s Download festival, attendees have agreed. 

The six looks from Killing Eve you absolutely cannot carry off

HAVE you watched stylish chameleon assassin Villanelle in Killing Eve and decided you could probably pull off that one outfit, the one with the hat? Think again.

Man thinks speaking English with a French accent is speaking French

A BRITISH man believes that saying English words in a French accent means he is actually speaking French.

The middle class w*nkers' guide to renting a cottage

ARE you and your middle class chums planning to rent a cottage in rural Dorset or similar? Here’s how to be as annoying as possible.

Man who's agreed to 'massive night' hoping something disastrous will happen

A MAN who has agreed to a big night out with mates is praying there will be some sort of disaster so he can be in bed by 10pm.

The pros and cons of getting a facial tattoo

TATTOOS are great and nobody ever regrets them, so why not get one done where everyone can see it? Good idea? Bad idea?

Straight Pride festival to be BBQ in Homebase car park with Ed Sheeran on repeat

A MAN has organised a Straight Pride festival that reflects his heterosexual values by putting on a barbecue in a corner of Homebase car park.

Wedding list taking the absolute piss

A COUPLE'S online wedding list has got to be taking the piss, it has been confirmed.

Gove mad for the gak

MICHAEL Gove is absolutely mental for beak, the white stuff, ching and nose crack, he has confessed. 

Man urgently needs to buy himself something

A MAN who has had a tough week is urgently searching for something he can buy himself to cheer himself up.

'Foodies' congratulate themselves on ability to eat

THOUSANDS are self-styled 'foodies' are trumpeting their ability to orally process nutrients, it has emerged.

Couple move house to be in catchment area of 'outstanding' Waitrose

A COUPLE have relocated to a smaller house to be in the catchment area of an outstanding Waitrose, they have confirmed.