The middle class family's guide to why the crisis is worse for them

ARE you a self-obsessed middle class family? Here’s how to let everyone know that the coronavirus crisis has been worse for you than anyone else.

How to recreate the summer holiday you won't be going on in your own home

IS your week in Menorca knocking back cocktails and snoozing on a sun-lounger then spending hungover evenings shivering with sun-stroke cancelled? Do it at home:

How to stay safe on public transport, by a Tory who has never been on a bus

HAVE you made such poor life choices that you have to use public transport? Junior minister and multi-millionaire Denys Finch Hatton has some common-sense advice.

Parents realise son planning to keep living with them after lockdown

THE parents of a 29-year-old man who moved back home for lockdown have realised he has no plans to move out after lockdown.

Can we go on holiday? and four other Guardian reader concerns

WORRIED your pampered liberal lifestyle won’t survive the pandemic? What are the questions sending your anxiety through the roof?

Woman who's stopped contouring face forced to admit she's 2D

A WOMAN'S make up-free lockdown regime has revealed that her previous facial contouring efforts were the only reason she appeared to have three dimensions.

Britain frantically relearning how to get dressed

BRITISH people are desperately trying to remember how to dress their hideous bodies in fabric tubes called clothes.

Five completely awful places you'd be right now if you weren't stuck at home

AS lockdown continues, you wish you were anywhere but home. What dreadful places might you be this weekend if you were unlucky enough to regain your freedom?

Neighbour playing f**king Coldplay in his garden as if everyone isn't on lockdown

A NEIGHBOUR is playing Coldplay at full blast in his garden just as if the whole street were not at home with the windows open, unable to escape.

Woman can't remember how makeup works

A WOMAN about to have her first virtual date has realised that she cannot remember how to do that make-up thing she used to do.

Lockdown restrictions relaxed for anyone in desperate need of a shag

THE government has announced that from today, an exception to lockdown and social distancing rules will be made for anyone seriously gagging for it.

Putting on weight and four other hot trends for this summer

THE coronavirus has altered lifestyles so drastically that sitting around in a grubby bathrobe eating cake all day is now de rigueur. But how else will lockdown shape the hot trends for this summer?