WANT to make people jump out of their skin at a moment’s notice? Here house spider Roy Hobbs explains how to terrify otherwise rational adult humans.
ARE you planning to move out of London and believe it is the most important event in human history? Here’s how to drone on about it in a self-absorbed, middle class way.
WHEN you’re trapped at home and single, the last thing you need is to hear is the bedroom antics of your horny neighbours. Here are some coping strategies.
CHILDREN have been asked to please, God, chill the f**k out about dinosaurs.
MET up with family? Your niece – who’s 17 for God’s sake – already developed in ways you never will? Here’s how to curb your boob envy.
A WOMAN who made a corner of her flat appear minimalist and sleek for the purpose of video calls is starting to believe her own lies.
GLAMPING is just camping with a wood-burning stove and a string of fairy lights, new research has found.
A PARTY has acknowledged that if you want to keep up social distancing, MDMA is not the right drug.
A MAN who has been on the loo for the past 40 minutes while his family is downstairs has quietly admitted that this is the best part of his day.
HAVE travel chaos and quarantine ruined your plans for a posh foreign holiday you can show off about? Here are some horribly bourgeois British alternatives.
MEN who take their guitars to parks and play them are the worst people in existence, it has been confirmed.
PEOPLE who relish stifling temperatures of 30-plus degrees have smaller brains than those who do not, experts believe.