Lifestyle

Cyclist shaves three seconds off telling-people-he's-a-cyclist time

A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.

Tattoo artist has moment of self-doubt about making people look shit

A TATTOO artist has had the disturbing thought that every customer looks worse, not better, after visiting him.

Losing scratchcard stared at for extra 20 seconds just in case

A LOSING Lotto scratchcard has been stared at for an additional 20 seconds on the chance that the buyer mistook £200 for £5,000 at first glance.

28-year-old woman has hobbies that would make a Suffragette vomit

A WOMAN who spends all of her free time sewing, baking and ballroom dancing would make the Suffragettes turn in their graves.

Twattish American things you can do to be 'on trend'

DO you think doing American things makes you interestingly ‘on trend’ and not just an ostentatious wanker? Here are some suggestions.

Man with stupidly expensive BMW wishing he'd just got a penis extension

A MAN who spent a huge amount of money on a new BMW could have got an actual penis extension for a fraction of the price.

Couple plan fun wedding with strict non-negotiable rules

A COUPLE who want a carefree, relaxed wedding everyone can enjoy in their own way also have a stringent set of requirements for guests.

Missing middle-class woman found under throw pillow avalanche

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman reported missing by her family has been found buried under an avalanche of throw pillows in her own home.

Spring is here and it's time to throw away everything you own!

THE birds are chirping, the buds are appearing on the trees, so it must be time to throw away every single one of the possessions holding you own.

Man will approve haircut unless an ear has been cut off

A MAN receiving a haircut has confirmed he will nod appreciatively when the barber asks unless he has lost his entire ear.

How to tell people you don't want sodding children

DO friends with kids try to make you feel like a failure for not having any? Here’s how to explain without just saying “because they’re fucking annoying”.

Lower middle class bellend aspiring to be upper middle class twat

A LOWER middle class man has made it his ambition to move up the social ladder but still be a twat.