How to stick to a socially distanced barbecue when you're pissed

Worried you’ll have too many glasses of Shiraz and attempt to sit on your partner’s attractive colleague’s knee? Here’s how to keep your distance to a strict one metre.

Middle-aged man reaches weird shed obsession phase

A MAN'S friends and family are becoming increasingly concerned by the amount of time he is spending doing mysterious things in his shed.

How did your parents' music collection ruin your childhood?

RUINING music for your children with terrible songs at formative moments is an important part of parenting. How did your parents do it?

The morning person's guide to being an insufferable twat

SPRING out of bed at the crack of dawn? The world hates you. Here’s how morning twats make life a living hell for the rest of us.

All youthful hedonism must stop, old people agree

BRITAIN’S over-40s have agreed that young people enjoying themselves must be outlawed now that they can no longer join in.

Pogs and four other childhood obsessions that turned out to be worthless

WERE you convinced that collecting some bullshit as a child would pay off in adulthood? Is your collection worth f**k all on eBay?

Neighbours surely can't fit any more shit in their garden

THE family next door surely cannot fit any more shit in their garden, say concerned neighbours.

How to make sure your staycation is as awful as your usual foreign holiday

MILLIONS of Britons will be holidaying in the UK this summer, meaning they risk missing out on the confusion, disappointment and inconvenience involved in travelling abroad. Here’s how to recreate it in Britain.

How to maintain your bigoted views in retirement

IT can be a challenge to navigate the transition to retirement while remaining militantly bigoted. Stay an intolerant prick in the twilight years with these tips.

Thank f**k for that, says UK public at news a royal wedding was held in secret

THE UK public are relieved they did not have to rejoice or put up bunting because a posh, rich couple got married.

Our spare bedrooms get so dusty, and five other middle-class problems

ARE you a wealthy middle-class person sick of getting grief from people with so-called 'real' problems? Prove that your life has as much hardship as anyone's:

Man who's given up weed needs entirely new music collection

A MAN who has quit smoking weed realises that he can no longer listen to any of the bands he previously enjoyed, from Genesis to Snoop Dogg.