Tap dancing, and four other unbelievably selfish new lockdown hobbies

WHAT better time to take up playing the bass than now, when your neighbours need the distraction of you failing to learn Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain? 

Five easy ways to create cheap lockdown thrills

NOW that the novelty has worn off not going to work and you've watched everything on Netflix, what can you do to create some measly highs in  life under lockdown? Here are some ideas.

How to TikTok, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

SALUTATIONS. I have recently been introduced to TikTok by one of my many children and found myself having a raucously good time. Thus, I present some tips on how to become a most splendid meme-lord.

Bear Grylls' guide to foraging in bins

YOU pussies are whining about lockdown, but I’ve survived harsher conditions by drinking my own piss and staying in a hotel. Here’s my guide to staying alive by foraging from bins.

How to keep pensioners trendy after coronavirus

PENSIONERS are the real comeback kids of coronavirus, with their viral smashes showing they’re not just a load of moaning old biscuit-munchers. But how will we keep old people chic after the crisis?

Trousers are weird, homeworkers realise

HOMEWORKERS have admitted they cannot imagine wearing anything other than pyjamas or dressing gowns ever again.

The twat's guide to ignoring lockdown when you feel like it

DO you think the coronavirus suddenly doesn’t exist whenever you fancy a trip to B&Q? Here are some great ways to ignore lockdown when it suits you.

Lockdown must last until end of the year, says woman who cut own fringe

A WOMAN who attempted to cut her own fringe has told Britain there can be no relaxing of lockdown until 2021.

Six online courses to pretend you'll do

LAST week everyone was pretending to write a novel. This week they’re all pretending to be online learning. What should you claim to be enrolling on?

Double your drinking and four other ways to make it feel like the weekend

ARE your weeks blurring into one long snack-laden, news-addled pyjama fest, broken only by a few half-arsed attempts at work? Here’s how to change that.

People having a 'really productive' lockdown told to shut the f**k up

PEOPLE who are having a 'really productive' lockdown have been told to shut the f**k up about it.

How to be an irritating hipster in lockdown

ARE you wearing a mask made out of an ironic 80s T-shirt while livestreaming baking organic vegan banana bread? Then you’re a coronavirus hipster.