How to imagine you had an amazing social life before lockdown

LOCKDOWN has left millions of Britons imagining they previously had busy, thrilling social lives, instead of dicking about on their phones. Here’s how to keep up the pretence.

Five other challenge months for wankers

VEGANUARY over? Back on the booze? Looking to enliven lockdown by setting yourself a fresh challenge? Put these on the calendar.

Country track

Step out on the Mash's bracing winter walk – directions below

THERE’S literally nothing else to do, so why not head out on the Daily Mash’s invigorating winter walk? Begins and ends at your house. Follow directions below.

How to recover after receiving an energy bill

JUST got an eye-watering energy bill through your letterbox? Thinking of selling a kidney to pay it off? Get over the trauma and start recovering with these tips.

How to fake enjoyment while being shown baby photos

PARENTS think looking at photos of their newborn is a non-stop thrill ride, when in fact you’d rather be getting a root canal. Here’s how to end the ordeal quicker by pretending to enjoy it.

Woman thinks astrology is bollocks but believes she's a Hufflepuff

A WOMAN who considers horoscopes a load of horseshit believes her entire personality is down to her wizarding house from Hogwarts.

Woman buys f**king ugly dog

A WOMAN who has treated herself to a canine companion during lockdown has decided on one that is incredibly f**king ugly.

Warhammer, Doctor Who and Judge Dredd obsessive sees himself as a 'triple threat'

AN expert in three fields of geek subculture thinks of himself as a ‘triple threat’ to both fellow dorks and the hearts of women.

Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property

THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.

How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit

THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts.

Couple gets puppy so they will never have sex again

A COUPLE have bought a puppy so they finally have a legitimate excuse for giving up sex completely.

Woman with pink hair disappointed to see other woman with pink hair

A FREE-THINKING woman making a bold statement with hair dye was gutted to see another woman with the same pink tint.