Lifestyle

Cat who's too good for dry food really going to town on his anus

A CAT that refuses to eat dry food appears to have no qualms about enthusiastically licking its own anus.

Hot tub owner can steer any conversation towards owning a hot tub

A MAN who spent a fortune on a top-of-the-range outdoor jacuzzi insists on shoehorning it into every interaction.  

The toddler's guide to making everyone's life hell

NEED to make everyone around you lose the will to live? Infuriating toddler James Bates explains how to push people over the edge.

Which evening classes will make you sound more middle class?

THERE’S no point being middle class unless you’re able to out-do everyone else. Keep ahead of the Joneses with these entitled evening classes.

Complaining about your cleaner, and four other signs you're a knobhead now

PEOPLE change, and one day you wake up, look in the mirror and realise you’ve become exactly what you despise. Here are the key signs.

The top five autumn coffees you'll sound like a twat for ordering

AUTUMN, the season of mists and limited edition coffees is here, but which matches your twat level at this time of year?

The Telegraph reader's guide to 'hippy crack'

FOOTBALLERS enjoy a balloonful. Youths at lockdown raves go mad for it. But what is ‘hippy crack’ and could it become the drug à la mode for relaxed kitchen suppers? Lord Denys Finch Hatton investigates.

Dog in jumper 'an arsehole' say other dogs

A DOG has been left humiliated after his owner forced him to wear a novelty jumper on a walk around the park.

Five hellish things you should definitely put off until 2021

THIS year has been shit enough without attempting to sort out all the huge, festering problems in your life. So treat keep sweeping all of these things under the carpet until 2020 is over.

High-maintenance bastard getting his fourth haircut of the year

A MAN has been to his barber for his fourth haircut of 2020 like the high-maintenance bastard he is, it has emerged.

Five sayings twats think are clever but everyone has heard

DO you think you’re impressing people by quoting wise sayings? Check they’re not the following overused phrases and you actually sound like a twat.

How to weed out your crap friends

NOBODY has more than six friends, and if you do most of them are filler. Here’s how to sift the worthwhile friends from the dregs dragging you down.