Are you having a breakdown or do you actually like the walls you painted dark grey?

YOU painted your walls dark grey because a Sunday supplement told you to. But is this just a manifestation of emotional crisis or do you like them?

Six tattoos commemorating the coronavirus lockdown you can get today

WORRIED this unique year of deprivation and confinement may fade from your memory? These six tattoos will ensure the coronavirus experience stays with you.

How to pretend to enjoy being on holiday when you're terrified

GOING on a theoretically relaxing week away but you’re actually so scared of touching any surfaces it’s going to be a nightmare? Here’s how to fake it.

Posh twat family commandeers two square miles of park for picnic

A FAMILY of posh twats has roped off two square miles of a public park to have a fancy picnic.

Not holding your friends' baby and other coronavirus get-outs

AS Britain attempts to get back to normal, thankfully there are still things COVID-19 can get you out of. Here’s how to wring the last benefits out of the crisis.

Six slang terms only the middle-aged understand

ARE your kids baffled by your use of retro argot from the 1980s? Want to connect with your peer group while keeping the young in the dark?

Six haircuts that say 'I was so excited to get to the hairdresser that I panicked'

HAIRDRESSERS are open again, so here’s six styles that say ‘I was so focused on getting there first I didn't think about what I wanted then buckled under pressure’:

How to start having dreadful middle class dinner parties again

WITH two households now able to meet, it’s the perfect opportunity to start showing off at dinner parties again. Here’s how to make them particularly irksome.

Twat gets intense satisfaction from having wrong opinion about everything

A MAN gets a tiresome thrill from never expressing a single reasonable opinion about anything, people have noticed.

The dad's guide to pretending you went to raves

WITH illegal raves making a comeback, middle-aged dads can earn kudos from their teenage kids by claiming they were at the heart of the 90s dance scene.

Places to visit in the UK this weekend that won't be full of turds and litter

FANCY a weekend jaunt where you won’t have to sit near a human turd or a mountain of empty two-litre cider bottles? Try these spots.

Dad getting into rap music despite family resistance

A FATHER-OF-TWO is becoming increasingly interested in rap music despite opposition from all members of his household.