Identifying trees, and five other activities for your middle-class lockdown exercise

WANT strangers in the park to know you’re going home to a house with a chalkboard in the kitchen? Do these key activities during your mandated hour of exercise.

It feels wrong to masturbate at a time like this, but we must

THE UK is in lockdown. A deadly new strain of Covid is loose. Democracy is under attack in the US. But while it seems this is no time to masturbate, we must.

Going for a piss in grey sweatpants too risky, men over 40 agree

MIDDLE-AGED men have admitted that that urinating while wearing light-coloured trousers is guaranteed to end in disaster.

Grown man still needs little song to remember alphabet

A FULLY-GROWN adult can only remember what order letters go in by singing the A-B-C song he was taught in nursery.

'Wet January' and four other ways to cure the New Year blues

THE new year can be a difficult time for many, especially after 12 months of bloody 2020. Here are some surefire ways to shake off the January blues.

Trampoline in front garden knocks 15 per cent off house prices

THE value of every house in a street has dropped by 15 per cent after a child’s Christmas trampoline was set up in the front garden.

Couple on wholesome New Year's walk still high

A COUPLE enjoying a bracing walk to welcome the new year are still off their faces from last night.

Elderly parent helps out by washing up immediately next to dishwasher

AN elderly parent is helping at Christmas by doing the washing up while standing three feet away from a dishwasher. 

Five tips on writing a round robin letter that triggers white-hot fury

SMUG middle-class families can’t ruin this Christmas by popping round, but they can still pen round-robin letters concealed in cards like the IEDs of humblebragging.

Independent career woman can't wait to lie on parents' sofa for two weeks

A DRIVEN, self-reliant career woman has three days left before a fortnight vegging out in her parents’ lounge over Christmas, she has confirmed.

How to start a new life after getting a bad haircut

HAS your hairdresser mutilated your coiffure beyond repair? Here’s how to burn down your life and start again.