Lifestyle

How to be an absolute prick on a plane

DO you want to act like an absolute arsehole while crammed into a metal tube with 200 other people who can’t escape you? Here’s how.

Do you look fashionable or just a twat?

ARE people staring at you in the street because your edgy new jacket makes you look amazing or because you look fucking ridiculous? Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Five ways to escape from Center Parcs

DO you find yourself imprisoned in a family holiday at Center Parcs every year? Here are some tried-and-tested escape methods.

Woman with shit together even has phone charger for car

A WOMAN who has got her shit together even has a dedicated phone charger in her car.

The seven habits of high-as-f**k people

PEOPLE who are stoned out of their minds all the time don’t get that way by accident. They’ve shaped their own daily routines around ensuring they never have to confront cold, painful reality.

How to tell if someone is lying about London being a good place to live

DO you have a friend who claims to love living in London but who you suspect secretly hates it? Here’s how to see through their lies.

The moron's guide to writing an Amazon review

DOES your useless new laptop from Amazon stop working when you use it in the bath? Here’s how to write a stupid and misleading Amazon review.

'Cocaine's great' says man with no concept of future beyond next three minutes

A MAN who has just snorted a line of cocaine has confirmed that the drug is ‘fucking brilliant’ and that tomorrow can look after itself.

Magazine in doctor's waiting room speaks of simpler time

A MAGAZINE in a doctor's waiting room has taken its reader back to happier times before Brexit, vape juice and compulsory recycling.

Cyclist shaves three seconds off telling-people-he's-a-cyclist time

A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.

Tattoo artist has moment of self-doubt about making people look shit

A TATTOO artist has had the disturbing thought that every customer looks worse, not better, after visiting him.

Losing scratchcard stared at for extra 20 seconds just in case

A LOSING Lotto scratchcard has been stared at for an additional 20 seconds on the chance that the buyer mistook £200 for £5,000 at first glance.