Cat shows affection for owner by raking his face with razor-sharp claws

A CAT has expressed its love for its owner by slicing his face open with its knife-like claws, he has confirmed.

Your guide to buying presents for dads with no interests

DOES your father have no recognisable hobbies or interests? These Christmas present options will elicit a grunt of grudging gratitude.

How to make December utterly exhausting for no reason

NOT got enough on your entirely self-imposed Christmas to-do list? Here’s how to make December as pointlessly exhausting as possible.

Middle class woman refusing to give Ocado driver five stars because he said 'ain't'

A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.

Short shag and curtain bang: hair styles or sex positions?

ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.

Armchair WWII Veteran, and other new courses at the University of Life

BITTER that you dicked around at the School of Hard Knocks and have no formal qualifications? Order the University of Life’s new prospectus.

Dog sinking its teeth into your ankle 'just playing', owner reassures

THE owner of the dog that is currently biting your ankle quite hard has clarified that her pet is, in fact, ‘really friendly’.

Remember late-night soft porn on Channel 5? A guide to 00s nostalgia

IN A new decade set to be worse than any of its predecessors, we’ll inevitably soon be rosy-eyed for 9/11 and Las Ketchup. Get ready to genuinely miss these.

The parenting manuals to make you feel like a shit parent

UNSURE how this whole parenting thing is done and looking for reassurance? These parenting manuals will each undermine your confidence in a different way.

Couple who don't own screwdriver want to buy chateau in France

A COUPLE who can barely put up a shelf have decided they want to buy a tumbledown chateau in rural France.

The dad's guide to hoarding a load of crap

ARE you a dad? Is all that stuff important, easily fixed, or you’ll need it the week after you throw it away? Follow these hoarding tips.

How to be as annoying as possible when living in an upstairs flat

DO you have downstairs neighbours? Do you want to make their lives a misery no matter what hour of the day or night? Here’s what to do.