Parents 'genuinely believed' violin would be less annoying than recorder

THE parents of a musically ungifted child have discovered that a violin can sound just as bad as a recorder.

Dream of owning Aga crushed by having to use the f*cking thing

A COUPLE who thought their middle-class dream was complete when they bought an Aga have instead ended up with burnt meals and a massive gas bill.

Five pathetic ways to try and impress people

DO you constantly try to impress people with your frankly unspectacular achievements? Here’s how to go about it.

Man referring to himself as 'single parent' because wife had night out

A MAN whose wife went out from 7pm to 12.30am last weekend has spent more than a week referring to himself as a ‘single parent’.

Britain's fannies excited to go full Chewbacca for winter

THE UK’s female pubic regions are looking forward to going the full Chewbacca for the coming winter months, their owners have confirmed.

Inconsiderate prick brings children to London

A PAIR of selfish pricks have brought their children to central London, ruining it for everyone.

Tourist in Leicester Square asks for directions to Leicester Square not this dump

A TOURIST in search of Leicester Square assumed he was in some other grotty part of the capital when in fact he was in the middle of it.

Dry clean only dress gets Febrezed again

A DRESS labelled ‘dry clean only’ has been given its fourth Febreze before being worn for another night out.

Woman hopefully placing stuff on stairs for family to take up even though it never, ever happens

A MOTHER who has spent years putting things on the stairs for her family to take up with them cannot stop even though it has never once happened in 15 years.

Man going through life blissfully unaware he will be reincarnated as a goat

A YOUNG man currently living a happy life is blissfully unaware that his next life will be as a member of the subspecies Capra aegagrus hircus.

Shattered new parents find energy to post entire birth album

A COUPLE who are absolutely shattered after having their first child nonetheless found time and energy to post a 188-photo birth album online.

Are you droning on about your problems enough?

EXAGGERATING your problems to get attention has finally been given a trendy name, ‘sadfishing’. Here’s how to get the most out of this worthwhile activity.