Family's Easter marred by accidental purchase of xenomorph eggs

A FAMILY’S Easter has been ruined after mistakenly buying the eggs of a fast-growing alien predator.

Only thing keeping man going is not working for Deliveroo

A MAN whose life is shit regularly cheers himself up with the pathetic tactic of remembering that he does not work for Deliveroo.

Jesus's guide to having a better Easter than him

MY first Easter wasn’t a barrel of laughs, but nowadays there are lots of things you can do without nailing anyone to a cross. Here’s my guide to a torture-free Easter.

What sort of 'wanker in sunglasses' vibe are you giving off?

WITH so many designs of sunglasses there's a multitude of ways to look like a prick. Here’s a handy guide to the vibe you’re giving off.

Teenager better than his town and everyone who lives there

A 17-YEAR-OLD is absolutely convinced of his inherent natural superiority to the town he grew up in and all its residents.

Woman decides she needs a good faff around before leaving petrol station

A WOMAN who filled her car up with petrol decided to do a variety of chores and enjoy a little rest before driving off, it has emerged.

How to never stick to any of your brilliant new plans

WHETHER you're going on a diet, taking up a new sport or just trying to wake up earlier, here's your foolproof guide to not sticking to any of it.

Can you play the guitar or was it something you'll regret saying whilst pissed?

MANY of us like to think we can play the guitar, but is it just a drunken boast you’ll come to regret if someone hands one to you? Take our quiz and find out.

All London friendships based entirely on geographical convenience

PEOPLE in London are prepared to be friends with absolute wankers if they live down the road and it doesn’t take 45 minutes on public transport to visit them, it has emerged.

Woman sure purchase of new stationery will fill gaping void in her life

A WOMAN who bought lots of new notebooks and colourful pens is convinced her life will now stop being full of uncertainty and dread.

How to be an absolute prick on a plane

DO you want to act like an absolute arsehole while crammed into a metal tube with 200 other people who can’t escape you? Here’s how.

Do you look fashionable or just a twat?

ARE people staring at you in the street because your edgy new jacket makes you look amazing or because you look fucking ridiculous? Here are some questions to ask yourself.