I'll still go on holiday to Great Yarmouth, says £170 million-winning idiot

A TOTAL numpty who has won £170m on the lottery has claimed he will not let it change him, even though that is manifestly the whole point.

Thank f**k it's hat season, say baldies

BRITAIN’S bald men are absolutely delighted that hat season has come around again.

Bringing screaming children into restaurants apparently legal

BRINGING small screaming children into restaurants is legal, it has been claimed.

Middle-aged Britain entering awkward leather jacket season

MIDDLE-AGED Britain is officially entering the season where it awkwardly wears leather jackets, it has been confirmed.

Woman unable to walk down street without holding coffee

A WOMAN is struggling to go anywhere without a takeaway coffee in her hand.

Bristol woman trapped with undercut

A WOMAN in Bristol is unable to get rid of her partially shaved haircut, it has emerged.

'I love going to the dentist' says psychopath with perfect smile

A MAN with perfect teeth has told friends that he never misses a dental check-up because he loves them.

'It's a die, not a dice' says Games Workshop's resident babe magnet

THE resident Romeo in Games Workshop has informed a hapless idiot of the difference between a die and some dice.

Stupid eyebrows may be contagious, Britain warned

DOCTORS have warned that an epidemic of horribly heavy comedy eyebrows appears to be spreading across the UK.

Three Toblerones for a tenner 'now the only reason anyone flies'

THE three for £10 Toblerone deal in airport shops is now the only reason anyone flies, experts have confirmed.

Woman's life still crap despite affirmations and visualisation

A WOMAN'S life is still a lot of crap despite affirmations and visualisation, it has been confirmed.

Boyfriend reminded to take photos for 87th time so far today

A WOMAN has once again reminded her boyfriend to take some photos of all the fun they are having so they do not forget it.