News

Vegan caught leering at cheese

A SHAMELESS vegan has been caught ogling a block of cheese with his mouth wide open and drool hanging out.

The idiot's guide to naming your children

THIS year’s most popular baby names have been released with the usual strange choices like Kylo. Here’s how to curse your child with a daft name you think is great.

Six supremely middle-class problems to write a newspaper column about

DO you write a column about your bourgeois life for a national newspaper? Need topics? Try these to get you started.

Foxes waiting til you start to drift off before starting all-night f**kfest

FOXES in your area have announced that one of the longest and loudest all-night orgies on record will begin the moment you try to get to sleep.

How to buy your first house in your 20s, by a twat with rich parents

GETTING on the property ladder as a young millennial is all about managing your budget, saving scrupulously and being given a £85,000 deposit. Here’s my tips:

Bloke only successful because he works 90-hour weeks like a dickhead

THE millionaire CEO of a software business owes all his success to tirelessly working 90 hours a week like the total dickhead he is.

The gammon's guide to 'cultural vandalism'

LIVID because woke millennials have pointed out your favourite National Trust property has links to slavery? Here’s how to rebrand your fury as opposition to ‘cultural vandalism’.

Five future technologies we'll have before the track-and-trace app

IT’S almost September, and the government’s world-beating track-and-trace system has still not arrived. What inventions will get here first?

Greta Thunberg's class had no idea she was gone

GRETA Thunberg has returned to school to find neither her teacher or any of her classmates noticed she was gone.

Couple considering acquiring small in-bred creature to shit in their house

A COUPLE are thinking of getting a knee-high animal with a long history of inbreeding so they can clear up its excrement.

The arsehole parent's back-to-school guide

ARE you a bloodyminded parent who loves a good row with your local school? Make the most of your little ones going back with these tips.

IKEA assembly instructions show you exactly where and how to completely lose your shit

FLAT-PACK assembly instructions from IKEA now come with pictures demonstrating how to smash them up in a blind rage.