Five tedious events you can legitimately avoid thanks to coronavirus

NOT looking forward to going to a big wedding or cricket match in the coming weeks? Here are some other events you can now legitimately cry off.

I'm going to go everywhere, unopened bag of rice warns man

A TIGHTLY-PACKED bag of rice has warned its owner that his efforts to open it will result in it exploding all over the kitchen.

Flybe instructs passengers to begin new lives wherever they're stranded

FLYBE has told stranded passengers they can never go home, so they should forget their old lives and begin new ones. 

Middle aged woman preparing for big night out by double-dropping Imodium

A WOMAN’S preparations for a night on the town have changed drastically in the last two decades, she has revealed.

What f**kwitted opinions about coronavirus are you sharing online?

IT’S important to share your witless opinions about the coronavirus on traditional forums for idiots such as BBC comments and Mail Online. Try some of these. 

Northerners celebrate beginning of summer

THE rugged inhabitants of the North have welcomed the start of summer with open arms.

Genesis reform to play to older brothers who like that sh*t

PROG-ROCK giants Genesis have reformed to play to thousands of older brothers who take music very seriously.

The boomer's guide to not being responsible for climate change

BABY boomer? Feel unfairly attacked by the younger generation for the state you’ve got the world in? Here’s how to how to explain it definitely wasn’t your fault.

Dad would rather get coronavirus than fist-bump

A DAD has confirmed he will be shaking hands and potentially spreading a deadly virus rather than ever ‘fist-bump’.

The hypochondriac's guide to convincing yourself you've got COVID-19

BIT of a headache? Slight cough? Friend of a friend went to Italy? You might be able to convince yourself you’ve got the coronavirus.

Man wearing same clothes since 2003 hailed as pioneer of sustainable fashion

A 35-YEAR-OLD man still wearing the same polo shirts he wore at university has been named as an icon of sustainable fashion.

Man concerned to learn girlfriend has friends

A MAN in a new relationship was concerned to learn that his girlfriend has friends and an active social life.