News

The scientific reasons why Covid can't be transmitted in schools, by a Tory

AS A senior Conservative, my knowledge of viral transmission is greater than any mere epidemiologist. Here’s why opening schools is perfectly safe.

Six great time-consuming games to play with your kids

STRUGGLING to make it through the last week of the summer holidays? These effective time-wasting activities should push you over the finish line.

Couple who hired expensive vintage campervan pretending to enjoy it

A COUPLE who spent a ruinously large amount of money hiring a campervan to drive around Cornwall don’t want to admit they are cold, tired and hungry.

Irritating woman not content with just one sneeze

A WOMAN has decided that doing a single sneeze is not bringing her nearly enough attention.

The middle class teenager's guide to being a rebel

IF you have middle class parents who think they're a bit bohemian, rebelling can be hard. Here’s how to disappoint and worry your bourgeois mum and dad.

Covid-19 better party guest than man with ukulele

GUESTS at a garden party have confirmed they would rather have spent the evening in the presence of coronavirus than the man who turned up with a ukulele.

Prince Andrew to lie about going to Pizza Express one last time before it closes

As more than 70 branches of Pizza Express prepare to close, their most famous patron has announced his intention to pretend to go for one last fictional visit.

The middle-class family's guide to a caravan holiday

JUST because you can’t get to Crete this year doesn’t mean that you can’t have a cut-above holiday. Here's how to survive a week in a caravan designed for the working classes:

Man choosing underwear for girlfriend based on how much he fancies the models

A MAN is selecting a gift of underwear for his girlfriend based entirely on how fit he finds the women modelling it.

'As bollocks as a 2020 A-level', and six other new phrases

THE events of this year mean it will be remembered in our language for centuries to come. Which of our new idioms will the future puzzle over?

Undertaking driver in rush to get to f**knut convention

A DRIVER who undertook multiple cars on the motorway was in a hurry to get to a convention full of other f**knuts, it has emerged.

Communal toilet etiquette and four other difficulties for back-to-work Britons

AS employees return to their workplaces, many are struggling to get back into the groove. So what unpleasant lifestyle changes should you brace yourself for?