News

MPs returning to parliament dangerous but f**k 'em, key workers agree

NHS workers and supermarket staff have agreed that as they are risking their lives then the MPs who order them to can bloody well do the same.

Kids wait in car with pop and crisps while parents get pissed in mate's garden

CHILDREN have been ordered to wait in the car with fizzy drinks and crisps so that barbecues do not exceed the six person limit.

The government's lockdown sex rules, explained

TEN weeks into lockdown, the government has decided to clarify who is allowed to have sex with who, where, and when.

Five food cupboard staples you can't eat yourself to sleep without

SLEEPING can be tricky, especiallly when you get up late and do nothing all day. So if you need to eat to the point of passing out like a milk-drunk baby, try these.

The science behind easing lockdown explained, by a doctor out of his mind on ketamine

WHY is the government is taking actions for pandemic level one while we’re at level four but pretending it’s level three? Let me explain while soaring on ket.

'Today you'll be learning what a two-day hangover looks like,' says teacher

A TEACHER has turned the aftermath of her lockdown drinking into a valuable learning experience, pupils have confirmed.

Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with Ikea?

IKEA customers queued for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet yesterday. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?

The smug bastard's guide to sending greetings cards

DO you make friends and family feel guilty by always sending birthday and thank you cards? Try being even more irritating.

School weird and frightening and also still shit, reports six-year-old

A SIX-YEAR-OLD has confirmed that the socially distanced school he has returned to is odd and scary while remaining crap and boring.

'I lost my job because of coronavirus', says man fired for sexual harassment and daytime drinking

A MAN who claims to have been made unemployed by the pandemic was actually sacked for making inappropriate office advances while drunk.

How to pretend you used the last ten weeks for something useful

LOCKDOWN is kind of over, a bit, so you need a good spin on it for your CV. Try these seven claims.

16 injured in this weekend's eye tests

SIXTEEN Britons have injured themselves this weekend in complications relating to the new eye-testing system, police have confirmed.