Passive-aggressive email that took three hours to write gets cheerful two-word reply

A METICULOUSLY crafted and devastatingly detailed passive-aggressive office email has received a short, cheerful response.

How to have a self-righteous shit fit about Christmas being cancelled

CONFUSED that an alteration of Covid rules is the same as the government cancelling Christmas, like the Puritans?

Mutant Covid could protect us against evil Covid like the X-Men

SUPERHERO fans has theorised that the new mutant Covid could be protecting us even though hated and feared by humanity, like the X-Men.

Mum doing engineering degree to untwist toddler's seatbelt

A MUM is studying for a four-year engineering degree in the hope she will learn how to untwist her child’s car-seat straps.

How to start a new life after getting a bad haircut

HAS your hairdresser mutilated your coiffure beyond repair? Here’s how to burn down your life and start again.

Britain's Lush stores full of awkward boyfriends out of their depth

HORDES of bewildered boyfriends are milling around Lush desperately seeking Christmas gifts for their partners.

Do you have an irrational hatred of London?

LONDON entering tier 3 lockdown is great news if you’re nuturing a hatred of London and everyone in it. Are you one of those dicks?

Six signs everyone thinks you're a f**king terrible driver

DOES anyone getting into your car first ask questions about whether it has working airbags? Then you’re the kind of driver everyone hates being in a car with. These are the signs.

Cat fuming that his name was on family Christmas card

A FAMILY cat is livid that his name was added to all the Christmas cards sent by his household without his permission.

'Je ne suis pas insured', and other essential No Deal phrases

STILL planning to visit our sworn enemies in Europe? After our no-deal exit, you’ll need to add these key phrases to your linguistic arsenal.

Fairy lights solve everything, says Britain

BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them.

Sending gunboats after the French exactly what I voted for, says Brexiter

A BREXITER has confirmed that deploying the Royal Navy to fire on French fishermen is absolutely what he voted for in 2016.