How to be a jolly good dad, by Boris Johnson

HELLO, Britain. Boris here. You’ve probably heard that I’m about to become a father. Well, being a good dad is a lot like running the country. Here’s how I do it.

Wearing sparkly trainers key sign that you're a kn*bhead

RESEARCHERS have found that adults wearing metallic or bejewelled trainers are 12 times more likely to be total cocks.

Woman carrying yoga mat just using it for naps

A WOMAN often seen carrying a yoga mat has admitted she only uses it to take frequent naps.

How to get the Dominic Cummings look

WANT to get ahead in life? Model yourself on chief Downing Street adviser and style icon Dominic Cummings. Here’s how to nail the look.

Man d*ckhead enough to try to solve girlfriend's problem

A MAN has been enough of a d*ckhead to attempt to solve a problem in his girlfriend’s personal life, he has admitted.

Boris-Carrie wedding to be Harry and Meghan done right

THE Downing Street wedding is to be a better, less ungrateful do-over of 2018’s upsetting Royal wedding, Conservatives have confirmed.

After the fourth pint we charge you double, admit bar staff

ONCE you’re half-cut we ramp-up the price without you noticing, bartenders have confirmed.

Couple post in-the-moment selfie that only took 89 attempts to get right

AN ADORABLE couple have posted a gorgeous, in-the-moment selfie that only took 89 attempts to get.

Woman doesn't understand film despite talking all the way through it

A WOMAN has no idea what happened in the film she watched with a friend, despite asking questions throughout it.

We won't soak up anything, confirm pub crisps

A PACKET of ready salted crisps has confirmed it will do nothing to offset the effects of drinking excessive amounts of alcohol.

Adult expects kids' film to solve all her emotional issues

A WOMAN who watched Toy Story 4 is disappointed that it didn’t solve her emotional issues, including anxiety, difficulty forming relationships and being an immature, dysfunctional nightmare.

You can propose to your boyfriend today, if he's a twat

WOMEN unfortunate enough to want or need to marry a man who is a complete twat are officially allowed to propose today.