A WOMAN who cannot afford to buy a house and fill it with children has decided to become the 'mum' of her houseplants instead.
AS Game Of Thrones concludes, a man is seeking out another TV show he can ostentatiously make a point of not watching.
THE UK has apparently gone wild for a perfectly ordinary, boring dress worn by the Duchess of Cambridge that cost almost two fucking grand.
A WOMAN has actually told her friends that climate change is fine because she has already got a tan in May.
HAVE you done very little revision and are worried you’ll fail your GCSEs? Don’t worry - teenager Tom Booker is on hand to explain why exams are bullshit.
A MAN who never shuts up about being a Northerner avoids meeting anyone else from the region, colleagues have noticed.
DO YOU, like Theresa May bringing her Brexit deal back for a fourth time, not know how to stop flogging a dead horse?
THE easiest way of dealing with things that you do not understand, like climate change or macroeconomics, is simply not to believe they are real.
JEREMY Kyle has confirmed his ITV daytime show will now focus on severely dysfunctional families from Britain’s aristocracy.
A COUPLE who are planning a holiday together are considering saving themselves time, money and loathing by splitting up instead.
RADIO 4 listeners have complained that a new character on long-running soap The Archers sounds a lot like Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage.
A MOTHER has admitted telling her small children that she wrote the classic Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody.