News

'Good luck' everyone aged between 0 and 49 told

BRITONS aged below 50 have been wished the best of luck in dealing with a virus they will not be vaccinated against for f**king ages.

The Mail Online sidebar: Who the f**k are these people?

ARE you frequently baffled by the 'celebrities' in the Daily Mail showbiz sidebar? Use our guide to identify them and find out what category of pointless celeb they fall into.

Are you going to be cancelled? Take our quiz

CANCELLATION is the terrible spectre stalking the 21st century, worse by far than poverty, Covid or climate change. But will it happen to you? 

Unclogging the shower drain, and five other things James McAvoy could make sexy

HAVING given all Britain the horn simply by drying a dish on The Great British Bake Off, here are other mundane activities James McAvoy could turn into pure filth.

Woman who spills entire pint of milk burns down house rather than clean it up

A WOMAN who spilt a full pint of milk onto carpet has set fire to her own home rather than deal with cleaning up the f**king mess.

'Get f**ked, baldy': a transcript of the Harry-William phone call

A PHONE call to patch up differences between Prince William and Prince Harry went badly. The Daily Mash has the transcript.

Six questions Christians don't like being asked

THE Pope has ruled that ‘sinful’ same-sex unions can’t be blessed, so why did God create gayness anyway? And what about these thorny issues?

European countries suspend Oxford jab over fears it turns you gammon

FRANCE, Germany and Italy have suspended use of the UK-developed AstraZeneca vaccine following reports that it turns you into a raging gammon.

The timeline of the Daily Mail’s vendetta against Meghan from now to 2081AD

THE Daily Mail shows no sign of ending its incensed vendetta against the Duchess of Sussex. Here’s how it will continue for the next six decades.

How drunk can you get at online Cheltenham?

CHELTENHAM Festival has always been the perfect excuse to get wrecked from 10am while pretending to watch horses. But how can you reproduce that online?

Seven countries Britain could invade to cheer itself up

BORIS Johnson has promised to use force to defend the Falklands in a retro callback to 1982. But who should we really invade unprovoked to restore our national pride?

Springwatch renamed Vole Love Island

THE BBC is changing the name of flagship nature show Springwatch to Vole Love Island to appeal to a younger, sexier demographic.