Millennial resigns herself to having 'plant babies'

A WOMAN who cannot afford to buy a house and fill it with children has decided to become the 'mum' of her houseplants instead.

Twat looking for new series he can feel superior about not watching

AS Game Of Thrones concludes, a man is seeking out another TV show he can ostentatiously make a point of not watching.

Kate wears ordinary dress that cost two grand

THE UK has apparently gone wild for a perfectly ordinary, boring dress worn by the Duchess of Cambridge that cost almost two fucking grand.

Global warming is excellent, sunbather tells other morons

A WOMAN has actually told her friends that climate change is fine because she has already got a tan in May.

The teenager's guide to why exams are bullshit

HAVE you done very little revision and are worried you’ll fail your GCSEs? Don’t worry - teenager Tom Booker is on hand to explain why exams are bullshit.

Professional Northerner oddly reluctant to meet other Northerners

A MAN who never shuts up about being a Northerner avoids meeting anyone else from the region, colleagues have noticed.

How to know when to give the f**k up on something

DO YOU, like Theresa May bringing her Brexit deal back for a fourth time, not know how to stop flogging a dead horse?

'The easiest way to deal with things you don't understand is to not believe them'

THE easiest way of dealing with things that you do not understand, like climate change or macroeconomics, is simply not to believe they are real.

Jeremy Kyle Show to switch to posh people

JEREMY Kyle has confirmed his ITV daytime show will now focus on severely dysfunctional families from Britain’s aristocracy.

Couple planning holiday together wondering if it's easier to just break up now

A COUPLE who are planning a holiday together are considering saving themselves time, money and loathing by splitting up instead.

New character on The Archers sounds suspiciously like Nigel Farage

RADIO 4 listeners have complained that a new character on long-running soap The Archers sounds a lot like Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage.

Mum tells kids she wrote 'Bohemian Rhapsody'

A MOTHER has admitted telling her small children that she wrote the classic Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody.