Waitress listening to woman's allergies muttering 'Jesus' under her breath

A WAITRESS listening to a woman describing a huge list of allergies was reported to be muttering “Jesus” under her breath.

'Posing up a storm' and other expressions for twats

ARE you keen to look like a massive twat for some reason? Simply use these incredibly irksome contemporary phrases in everyday life.

How to move on from ordering the wrong thing in a restaurant

IT’S happened. In the pressure of the moment in a restaurant you panicked and made the wrong choice. Here’s how to accept it and move on.

'Woke' guy an absolute d*ck to go out with

A MAN who thinks of himself as 'woke' has demonstrated he can still be an enormous pain in the ar*e to go out with. 

'Don't get ill': Britain's 12-point coronavirus plan

THE government has revealed its 12-point emergency plan to stop the coronavirus sweeping Britain and upsetting the markets. Read it immediately.

No return to the 70s, says man who bought house for £20,000 in 1973

A MAN has warned against any return to the decade from which he benefited enormously.

Parents 'lose six years of their lives getting everyone in the f**king car'

PARENTS waste six years of their lives getting their children into the f**king car, research has confirmed.

Woman breaking up with boyfriend can't decide which restaurant to ruin

A WOMAN taking her boyfriend for a break-up dinner cannot decide which restaurant she will never visit again.

Six deeply odd things that were normal if you were an 80s kid

MIDDLE-AGED? Do you sometimes notice that life is less weird than when you were growing up? What happened to these things?

Passive-aggressive email phrases to make your colleagues hate you

EVER included the phrase ‘as per my previous email’ to suggest the person you’re writing to is as thick as mince?

Chlorinated chicken insists it just likes being clean

CHLORINATED chicken has protested at its demonising by the UK media, insisting there is no shame in being clean.

Third date best time for sex and revealing you're batsh*t insane

THE third date is the best moment to make a relationship physical and to unveil your collection of human skulls, experts believe.