Tickets on the door only, rules Ticketmaster

TICKETMASTER has closed its secondary resales websites and its main website, announcing that from now on the only way to get in is to queue at the door. 

Box of green tea in office kitchen now longest-serving member of staff

A BOX of green tea in an office kitchen has now been there longer than any of the employees.

Telegraph readers demand more stuff about Muslims and a free pair of gardening gloves

READERS of the Telegraph have confirmed they want more anti-Muslim propaganda and a free pair of gardening gloves.

Dad who reckons he could have been a rock star if it wasn't for his family is wrong

A MAN who thinks he would have been a famous rock star if he had not had a family would not have been, it has been confirmed.

I can't wait to see Jason Statham fight a massive vagina, sorry I mean shark

AS a huge fan of the Stath I’ve always wanted to see him punch a giant predatory vagina - oops I meant to say shark.

Woman trapped in hateful job working with stupid bastards for evil corporation seems a bit grumpy today

COLLEAGUES of a woman who is basically a slave to a vast evil corporation run by bastards have asked her why she’s being a bit moody.

Parents with small children going on holiday because they're insane

PARENTS with toddlers are leaving under their own volition for a summer holiday of nerve-shredding anxiety because they are out of their minds.

Arsehole bouncer 'there to make sure everyone enjoys themselves'

A NIGHTCLUB bouncer who enjoys intimidating people and pinning them to the floor is just there to make sure they have a good night out, he has claimed.