How to be a pathetic, terrified Little Englander

DO you lead a comfortable suburban life in the UK, but fear and hate the outside world for no good reason? Here’s how to enjoy pretending to be oppressed.

Twat wearing mask under her nose doing it on purpose

A WOMAN who goes to the shops wearing a mask over her mouth but not her nose has confirmed she is doing it just to annoy the f**k out of everyone.

Middle class parents preparing to be outraged about GCSEs whatever happens

A MIDDLE class couple have confirmed they will be up in arms about their son’s GCSE results today whether they seem fair or not.

'Don't buy matching outdoor jackets' and other anti-ageing tips

IS ageing inevitable or can you stave it off by avoiding the pitfalls of older people obsessed with gardening and the past? These tips are all worth a try.

Woman marries stranger who told her she had a nice arse on Instagram

A WOMAN was so impressed when a random stranger on Instagram told her she had a ‘nice arse’ that she has decided to marry him.

Meghan, Harry, Kate and Wills regretting caravan holiday in Rhyl

THE younger members of the Royal Family now feel it was a mistake to book a holiday together in a small caravan in Wales, it has emerged.

'It is what it is' and other f**king annoying meaningless phrases

STUMPED for something worthwhile to say but still want to contribute to a conversation? Here are some totally useless and highly annoying phrases to consider.

The Daily Mail's guide to why only scum work from home

THE Daily Mail has decided that not returning to your Covid-infested office makes you a filthy traitor who hates Britain. Columnist Susan Traherne explains why.

The Conservative guide to socially-distanced sex

HAVING sex is largely irrelevant to the economy, so the government can impose restrictions without consequence. So we will.

You don't have to resign for being shit anymore, man tells boss

A MAN has explained to his boss that just because he totally bollocksed up his job does not mean he has to resign.

What does your bag for life say about you?

SUPERMARKETS are considering scrapping bags for life. But which one do you use and what does it say about your value as a human?

Overconfident man not taking being dumped personally

A MAN blessed with excessive self-confidence has no idea that he has been dumped because of his awful personality.