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Friends picnic

Covid rules probably end this weekend pretty much, Britain agrees

THE UK has agreed that since it is almost April, the sun is out and the Welsh can get haircuts then it must be legal to do stuff again.

Single man changing duvet cover trying to remember how he did it this time last year

A BACHELOR replacing his duvet cover with a clean one is facing his annual battle to remember how the f**k it is done.

Ronald McDonald and four other creepy as shit mascots

COMPANIES seem to think that weird, disturbing mascots will make you buy their products, and sadly they may be right. Here are some we’d prefer they hadn’t come up with, though.

Getting letters, and other things that become shit when you grow up

GETTING a letter as a kid was incredibly exciting, but when you’re grown up it’s most likely to be a council tax bill. So what other things lose their magic when you grow up?

'Out for delivery' and other staggeringly useless pieces of information

SICK of being bombarded with information that pretends to be helpful but is utterly useless? Here are the most pointless examples.

No point being middle class without John Lewis, Britain agrees

THE UK’s middle classes have agreed that without John Lewis there is no point and they may as well wear shell-suits and eat chips in the car outside the chippy. 

How to wean yourself off your lockdown wanking schedule

CURRENTLY enjoying multiple acts of self-love a day? With lockdown easing soon, here’s how to cut back on your debilitating habit.

What to do if asylum seekers invade your retirement bungalow

ARE you a fearful older voter obsessed with asylum seekers thanks to the tabloids? Here’s what to do if hordes of them arrive in your cul-de-sac.

Gen Z teen making fun of you via f**king stupid dance

AN IRRITATING young person is mocking you by throwing some dumb shapes on TikTok, it has been confirmed.

Nan still pissed off about uninvited visitors arriving at dinnertime in 2003

A NAN has still not forgiven members of her family for turning up at her house unannounced at 4.30pm 18 years ago.

How to strut around the supermarket like you f**king own the place

WANT to celebrate a year of lockdown by strutting down the Asda aisles like John Travolta doing a Liam Gallagher impression?

Six bloody confusing things about working in an office, by Prince Harry

WELL, I’ve gone and got a proper job. Sort of. But no one warned me working in an office would be such a minefield.