News

The only reasons your landline could possibly be ringing

JESUS Christ, what’s that noise? And where is it coming from? Ah, it’s the landline you’re obliged to keep in order to have broadband. But who could be ringing?

'When I was an intern, all this was Pret' says City broker

A STOCKBROKER looking out over London is remembering a time when it was Pret A Manger as far as the eye could see.

You irresponsible office-working pubgoing bastards, says government

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned.

What's going to happen in the rest of 2020

THIS year started badly, very quickly got much, much worse, briefly levelled out and is now plunging again. Here’s what’s coming up.

The middle class guide to talking to your supermarket delivery man

UNSURE what to say to the working class man, or occasionally woman, who brings your massive supermarket delivery round? Try these convincingly matey conversations.

Man leaving contact details on pub clipboard catches Covid from the pen

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

Arsenic and other Victorian treatments for Covid, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

RATHER than endlessly carping about testing, the British public should take a leaf out of my book and use the tried-and-tested methods of Victorian physicians. Here is a selection.

Massive f**king takeaway ruins romantic evening

A COUPLE'S plans for a romantic evening were left in tatters after they both ingested an inadvisable amount of curry.

Dad loves pressure washer more than children

A FAMILY suspect their dad loves his new pressure washer more than his children.

Couple fondly remembers when they used to have sex because there was nothing on telly

A MIDDLE AGED couple have wistfully remembered the times when they used to be able to have sex because there was nothing to watch on telly.

How to weed out your crap friends

NOBODY has more than six friends, and if you do most of them are filler. Here’s how to sift the worthwhile friends from the dregs dragging you down.

Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.