News

Guardian accidentally runs story that doesn't make you feel like topping yourself

THE Guardian has issued an apology to its readers after it mistakenly let through an article that did not cause feelings of utter despair about everything.

The six most annoying bastards who come knocking at your door

WILL people not stop knocking on your front door? Either scrawl ‘COVID PLAGUE HERE’ on it or give short shrift to the following bastards.

What the f**k is the point of a 10pm curfew? A scientist tries to explain

PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.

'Problem' drinker actually finding it quite easy

A MAN who read a newspaper article saying the amount he drinks is a problem has confirmed that he is actually finding it to be very easy.

The clapped-out Mancunian rock star's guide to Covid-19

NEED Covid advice? Fortunately two of the most well-known rock stars of yesteryear, Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown, are here to join intellectual forces and tell it like it is.

Man with long-winded explanation of why he's single just a twat

A MAN with a long, detailed explanation as to why he has chosen to be single is in fact just a bellend, it has emerged.

Online freshers' week includes drunken Zoom sex with weird guy from course

UNIVERSITIES’ online freshers weeks will include the traditional session of spontaneous awful sex with a loner bloke from your course but via Zoom.

Foreign holiday quickest and easiest way of getting coronavirus test

FLYING to Italy and being given a coronavirus test on arrival is far quicker and easier than trying to get one in the UK, the NHS has advised.

Nits shagging all over your kids' hair

HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.

How to be a ponce about your lockdown

WERE your lockdown experiences deeper and more meaningful than everyone else’s? Do you need to tell them?

Starmer self-isolating after family member shows symptoms of Corbynism

SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.

No Deal Brexit could see Waitrose become billionaire-only

ONLY customers with a net worth of a billion-plus will be able to afford Waitrose if Britain leave the EU without a deal, the supermarket has warned.