CHILDREN who have only been back at school for two f**king weeks are already off sick, their parents have confirmed.
FOREIGN holidays may not be possible this summer. Are you already looking for loopholes to exercise your God-given right, or is your big shop not from Ocado?
ARE you a gorgeous woman who dreams of nabbing your very own Danny DeVito?
A MAN has managed to get his wife to stop her incessant moaning by doing the thing she was asking him to do.
PROTESTORS against new laws that would effectively ban peaceful protest have thanked Bristol for throwing a f**king riot.
ARE you speeding to rescue a child from a burning building or does going really fast for 40 metres make you feel like Vin Diesel, knobhead?
LOVE life on the rocks? Need a quick fix? Try these romantic acts of spontaneity that will not help at all.
WANT to buy a house but can't face the gruelling process of applying for a mortgage? Try these incredibly difficult activities that are still easier than doing all that paperwork.
A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.
WANT to amuse your children for up to 300 seconds? Buy them one of these hot items:
A WOMAN has explained to her husband and two sons that the downstairs toilet is not suitable for them to do shits in.
A MAN has made the foolish mistake of joining in on his girlfriend's self-deprecating joke about how terrible her hair looks.