Germy bastard kids off sick already

CHILDREN who have only been back at school for two f**king weeks are already off sick, their parents have confirmed.

Are you entitled to a holiday abroad or are you not middle-class?

FOREIGN holidays may not be possible this summer. Are you already looking for loopholes to exercise your God-given right, or is your big shop not from Ocado?

How to land your dream short, bald guy

ARE you a gorgeous woman who dreams of nabbing your very own Danny DeVito?

Husband magically stops wife complaining by actually doing the thing she's asked

A MAN has managed to get his wife to stop her incessant moaning by doing the thing she was asking him to do.

Thanks f**king loads, peaceful protestors tell Bristol

PROTESTORS against new laws that would effectively ban peaceful protest have thanked Bristol for throwing a f**king riot.

Do you need to drive up a residential street at 53mph or are you a massive wanker?

ARE you speeding to rescue a child from a burning building or does going really fast for 40 metres make you feel like Vin Diesel, knobhead?

Unhappy couple moving house

Five spontaneous romantic acts that won't save your relationship

LOVE life on the rocks? Need a quick fix? Try these romantic acts of spontaneity that will not help at all.

Achieving spiritual enlightenment: Five things easier than getting a mortgage

WANT to buy a house but can't face the gruelling process of applying for a mortgage? Try these incredibly difficult activities that are still easier than doing all that paperwork.

47-year-old woman still terrified her mum will find out she smokes

A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.

Six toys kids will play with for five minutes

WANT to amuse your children for up to 300 seconds? Buy them one of these hot items:

Downstairs toilet not for shitting in

A WOMAN has explained to her husband and two sons that the downstairs toilet is not suitable for them to do shits in.

Annoyed girlfriend

Man makes error of joining in with girlfriend's joke about her hair

A MAN has made the foolish mistake of joining in on his girlfriend's self-deprecating joke about how terrible her hair looks.