News

Six ways to convince yourself being under 50 is very young

TOO young for a vaccine yet but actually deep into middle age? Here’s how to ignore annoying reality and convince yourself being slightly shy of 50 is practically being 25.

Five better places to put your money than a shitty 0.05% savings account

IT’S difficult knowing where to put your savings when interest rates can earn you up to 20p every few months. Here are five places to keep your cash for a larger return.

Same-sex Catholic wedding marred by fireball from God

THE Vatican’s decision not to bless same-sex unions has led to a gay couple’s wedding in Bournemouth being completely ruined by fire and brimstone. 

Where all the money's gone, by Tommy Robinson

LIBERALS, who are the real racists, have accused me of spending my honest English patriot supporters’ money on booze and coke. Lies. Here’s where it went.

'Good luck' everyone aged between 0 and 49 told

BRITONS aged below 50 have been wished the best of luck in dealing with a virus they will not be vaccinated against for f**king ages.

The Mail Online sidebar: Who the f**k are these people?

ARE you frequently baffled by the 'celebrities' in the Daily Mail showbiz sidebar? Use our guide to identify them and find out what category of pointless celeb they fall into.

Are you going to be cancelled? Take our quiz

CANCELLATION is the terrible spectre stalking the 21st century, worse by far than poverty, Covid or climate change. But will it happen to you? 

Unclogging the shower drain, and five other things James McAvoy could make sexy

HAVING given all Britain the horn simply by drying a dish on The Great British Bake Off, here are other mundane activities James McAvoy could turn into pure filth.

Woman who spills entire pint of milk burns down house rather than clean it up

A WOMAN who spilt a full pint of milk onto carpet has set fire to her own home rather than deal with cleaning up the f**king mess.

'Get f**ked, baldy': a transcript of the Harry-William phone call

A PHONE call to patch up differences between Prince William and Prince Harry went badly. The Daily Mash has the transcript.

Six questions Christians don't like being asked

THE Pope has ruled that ‘sinful’ same-sex unions can’t be blessed, so why did God create gayness anyway? And what about these thorny issues?

European countries suspend Oxford jab over fears it turns you gammon

FRANCE, Germany and Italy have suspended use of the UK-developed AstraZeneca vaccine following reports that it turns you into a raging gammon.