How to enjoy Freshers' Week from your childhood bedroom: a guide for students

JUST because universities are moving online doesn’t mean you can’t have a debauched Freshers’ Week. Here’s how to kick off your university experience from your childhood bedroom at your parents' house.

The Guardian reader's guide to breaking up a rave

AS a socially responsible Guardian reader, it’s your duty to prevent young people harming themselves at weekend raves. But how? Here are your questions answered.

Dominic Cummings' guide to breaking the new lockdown rules

ALRIGHT plebs, it’s Dominic Cummings here, the guy who single-handedly destroyed the public’s willingness to follow lockdown rules. Here’s my advice on how to get round the new guidelines.

Five total f**king lunatics you'll find in every local Facebook group

WHETHER it’s the woman obsessed with dog crap or the bloke who manages to make comments about the bin collection racist, here are the weirdos who lurk in every group. 

Search is on to find someone who believes in this Moonshot cockrot

RIGHT-WING journalists are scouring the country in a desperate attempt to find anyone who believes in Boris Johnson’s ‘moonshot’. 

Hologram of Enoch Powell to headline Festival of Brexit

A HOLOGRAPHIC projection of former Conservative MP Enoch Powell will be the headline act at the upcoming Festival of Brexit, the organisers have confirmed.

Six types of people you can't stand but end up socialising with anyway

THERE are new rules for socialising, but sadly not for avoiding people you hate but find yourself stuck in the pub with anyway. Here are the worst.

How to be into superheroes but still have sex with ladies

DO you know rather too much about superheroes, but also desire a sexual relationship with a real-life woman?

'It's my birthday week' says woman who needs to grow the f**k up

A SELFISH brat of a woman has announced that she expects her birthday celebrations to last an entire bloody week.

How to explain to your children that the world has gone to hell

EVERYTHING is bad again and looks unlikely to improve anytime soon. If your inquisitive little darlings are asking if this is the apocalypse, here’s how to explain it.

Thank f**k for that, say people planning nights out in Bolton

BOLTONERS are overjoyed that they cannot have a night out in Bolton for the foreseeable future.

Britain united in belief that 'work anniversaries' are bullshit

THE only thing that the whole of Britain can still agree on is that the idea of celebrating ‘work anniversaries’ is total bullshit, it has emerged.