'I'm not racist but...' and other gammon phrases explained

ARE you struggling to understand what puce-faced patriots are jabbering on about? Clear up the confusion with these translations of popular gammon phrases.

Man's workout basically unpacking weights and putting them in spare room

A MAN is planning to get ripped by taking some weights out of the box they came in and putting them in the spare room. 

Who are these f**kers throwing their facemasks away in the street? An investigation

IN every city street and country lane in Britain an abandoned facemask lies dirty and forlorn. But exactly who are the twats throwing them away, and why? 

Why your partner is f**king wrong about the central heating

IS your partner insisting on turning on the central heating against your wishes? Here’s how to put them right about ‘being cold’.

The professional Northerner's guide to more Covid restrictions

WITH a Covid clampdown in the North likely, Yorkshire resident Martin Bishop explains what will happen with a large dose of sentimentality and a chip on his shoulder.

Man can't be arsed to fill his evenings

A MAN has admitted that, although his evenings are the most precious moments of his day, he just cannot be f**ked doing anything with them.

Homeworker cracks usual 11am lager

A HOMEWORKING man has cracked open his customary elevenses of a can of lager.

Are you happy or just stupid?

HAVE you managed to achieve emotional contentment or are you merely a cretin? Take our quiz and find out.

Rishi Sunak's guide to retraining for a much shitter job

LOST your six-figure job? Exciting opportunities in the world of chicken de-beaking await. I’m Rishi Sunak, and these are the benefits of your new minimum wage career.

Science is bullshit, says man whose life has just been saved by it

DONALD Trump has confirmed that science, medicine and doctors are a load of bullshit.

The middle-class guide to never quite saying what you actually mean

ARE you able to express yourself naturally and directly with no hint of apology? How dreadful. Here’s how to politely fail to say anything in a middle-class way instead:

Cat who's too good for dry food really going to town on his anus

A CAT that refuses to eat dry food appears to have no qualms about enthusiastically licking its own anus.