News

Six films to make you count your blessings about lockdown, or whatever

LOCKDOWN 2 is here, promising to be as good as Ghostbusters 2. These six movies should make you realise being stuck at home again isn’t so bad.

Why Bake Off is all that stands between me and full mental breakdown

IF I had been told, back when this started, that in September I’d be looking at another six months of this shit, I’d have choked myself to death on my own freshly-baked banana bread.

Government launches 'Get Shitfaced at 11am to Help Out' scheme

THE government has countered its pub curfew by launching the ‘Get Shitfaced at 10am to Help Out' scheme to support hostelries.

Dog realises he was adopted

A LABRADOR has realised that the people he thought were his parents are actually a different species.

Six unconventional male sex fantasy figures

DO you have sex fantasies too embarrassing to admit even to yourself? Here are six blokes you’ve had unwelcome thoughts of shagging.

Joe Wicks now a big, fat bastard

JOE Wicks has put on eight stone since ending his daily lockdown exercise sessions and is in no way ready to start them up again.

How to be an even bigger panic-buying dickbag second time around

SO worried about others panic-buying you’ve rushed straight out to start panic-buying? Here’s some lessons from Lockdown 1 to help cause shortages and shaft others.

Chief medical officer: 'None of the comforting bullshit you believe is true'

THE chief medical officer has informed Britain that none of the comforting bollocks it is telling itself about coronavirus is remotely accurate.

The only reasons your landline could possibly be ringing

JESUS Christ, what’s that noise? And where is it coming from? Ah, it’s the landline you’re obliged to keep in order to have broadband. But who could be ringing?

'When I was an intern, all this was Pret' says City broker

A STOCKBROKER looking out over London is remembering a time when it was Pret A Manger as far as the eye could see.

You irresponsible office-working pubgoing bastards, says government

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned.

What's going to happen in the rest of 2020

THIS year started badly, very quickly got much, much worse, briefly levelled out and is now plunging again. Here’s what’s coming up.