News

How to make it look like you're shopping for essentials

POPPING to the shops but worried police will judge your beer and crisps non-essential? Try these to make your basket purposed and focused.

Shelf-stacker going to work with picture of sweetheart in his pocket

A 19-YEAR-OLD Lidl employee is keeping a photo in his pocket of the sweetheart he will marry when this madness is over.

Allotment owners tell society: 'Bow down, bitches'

THE owners of allotments have ordered the rest of Britain to bow down and give them nuff respect for their mad veg-cultivating skills.

Your month-by-month guide to how you'll cope until October

EXPERTS have warned that Britain may be under partial lockdown for the next six months. Here’s how it will go.

Disney shelves heartwarming movie about sick pangolin being cared for by his bat friend

DISNEY have announced that they are delaying a film about a loveable ill pangolin who is saved by his trusty friend, a market-dwelling bat.

Your inexplicable and unnecessary coronavirus email from the Daily Mash

EIGHT years ago you gave us your email address, so like every other business you’ve ever interacted with we’re sending a baffling and pointless coronavirus email.

'Let's enjoy life while we can', says woman about to infect nan with COVID-19

A WOMAN who believes in living life to the fullest will this week infect her 71-year-old grandmother with the coronavirus.

Seven previously innocuous phrases that now strike dread into your heart

NO, not just ‘I can’t shake this cough’ – here are the other once-innocent phrases that now fill you with terror.

The lazy bastard's guide to exercising at home

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

Virtual drinks give man very real hangover

A MAN who drank with mates in a 'virtual pub' has woken up with a very real hangover.

How to reject online invites when everyone knows you're always at home

VIDEO conferencing means it’s easy to feel close to the ones you’re missing. But what about the ones you’re not missing, who are constantly inviting you to hang out online? Here are five fail-safe excuses to dodge them.

Queen to be put back on fixing trucks

THE QUEEN is to return to work as a truck mechanic as she did during the war, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.