News

Last mum to correct her children's Americanisms gives up

THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.

I have never met Prince Andrew, says Queen

THE Queen has issued an official statement denying that she has ever met disgraced former trade envoy Prince Andrew. 

How to be an absolute bellend on 'Super Saturday'

IT'S not long until scenes of drunken carnage begin to unfold on 4 July. But are you properly prepared to be an obnoxious, antisocial dick on 'Super Saturday'?

Twat gets intense satisfaction from having wrong opinion about everything

A MAN gets a tiresome thrill from never expressing a single reasonable opinion about anything, people have noticed.

How to win at office politics from home

ARE you locked in a video call power struggle with your colleagues? Here’s how to navigate the nest of vipers you work with from the comfort of your own home.

The new rules for school which children will unfailingly obey because that's what kids are like

THE government has outlined its new half-arsed rules for reopening schools which are impossible to follow and will be ignored. But what are they? 

Your guide to becoming a billionaire by doing f**k all, by Kim Kardashian

WHAT’S the secret to becoming obscenely rich, apart from being born already rich and knowing lots of other rich people? Here are my tips.

Leicester wants lockdown rules translated into indecipherable slang

LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.

Flat earth conspiracy theorists now claiming there is a 'female orgasm'

CONSPIRACY theorists that believe the earth is flat and 9-11 was an inside job are now claiming that there is such a thing as a ‘female orgasm’.

Mum never thought she'd be so desperate to visit a soft play centre

A WOMAN who has entertained her children in her own home for four months would give anything to ignore them in a soft play centre for two hours.

Observant boyfriend notices girlfriend's hair has 'gone a different colour on top'

A KEEN-EYED boyfriend has spotted that the top of his partner’s hair has, over the last four months, changed to a different colour than the rest of it.

M&S reports alarming surge in middle-class twats

MARKS & Spencer has reported a massive spike in middle-class twats buying overpriced ready meals and bland clothing.