News

Mid-life crisis reduced to purchase of cycling equipment

MEN are increasingly limiting their mid-life madness to buying bikes they do not really want, it has emerged.

All the ways leaves will f**k you up this autumn

UNFORTUNATELY it’s autumn, which means dead bits of trees are falling from their branches. Here’s how they plan to ruin your life.

The tactless questions to ask when your friend gets dumped

GOT a friend in tears because they’ve just been given the boot by their partner? Make it even worse with these probing and insensitive questions.

Rebekah Vardy to reveal the agony Coleen Rooney put her through and how she may never recover, on ice

FAMOUSLY private person Rebekah Vardy is to haltingly reveal the terrible pain Colleen Rooney caused her and the scars she bears, in a spangly leotard, on ice.

Daughters better than sons, mums admit

MOTHERS of daughters have admitted that, despite years of pretending otherwise, having girls is miles better than having boys.

Meat-eating family of six want to tell you how to save the environment

A LARGE, omnivorous family living in a five-bedroom house with four acres of grounds would like to lecture you on protecting the environment.

Are you a freedom-loving Brit or just a massive pisshead?

SOMETIMES it can be hard to tell if you have a deep ideological belief in personal freedom or just like going out getting pissed.

The top five autumn coffees you'll sound like a twat for ordering

AUTUMN, the season of mists and limited edition coffees is here, but which matches your twat level at this time of year?

Trump ran property empire cash-in-hand, reckons plumber

A PLUMBER believes Donald Trump got away with paying no tax because he ran his multi-million property empire on a cash-in-hand basis.

Six tried-and-tested tricks to make your child lose all respect for you

DO you want to lose your child’s respect for you as a parent without tricking, forcing or bribing them? Try these foolproof techniques.

The Telegraph reader's guide to 'hippy crack'

FOOTBALLERS enjoy a balloonful. Youths at lockdown raves go mad for it. But what is ‘hippy crack’ and could it become the drug à la mode for relaxed kitchen suppers? Lord Denys Finch Hatton investigates.

Memories of brilliant 90s album ruined by listening to it

A MIDDLE-AGED man who decided to treat himself to a listen to his favourite 90s album has discovered it is unlistenable, whiny shit.