Queen spends first welfare cheque on fags and cans

WITH the Crown Estate due to receive a bailout after a slump in revenue, the Queen has been spotted spending her first welfare cheque on cheap fags and booze.

Five hellish things you should definitely put off until 2021

THIS year has been shit enough without attempting to sort out all the huge, festering problems in your life. So treat keep sweeping all of these things under the carpet until 2020 is over.

Are you allowed to have sex? Take Matt Hancock's quiz

With casual sex off the table, how can you be sure you’re allowed to jump someone’s bones? Find out with this quiz by health secretary Matt Hancock.

Woman on juice diet blends entire Brie

A WOMAN on a health kick has supplemented her juice diet by blending an entire Brie, along with two packets of Wotsits and some ham.

Couple who have massive screaming rows believe it's healthy

A COUPLE who regularly have loud, angry arguments and scream 'I hate you' believe it is a sign of a healthy relationship.

Locked-down students breaking up with long-distance partners at record rate

LOCKED-DOWN students are dumping their partners at home or other universities at the rate of one every 45 seconds, it has emerged. 

High-maintenance bastard getting his fourth haircut of the year

A MAN has been to his barber for his fourth haircut of 2020 like the high-maintenance bastard he is, it has emerged.

Five twats from school you'll awkwardly bump into in the supermarket

IT’S inevitable that you’ll eventually bump into some twat from school while shopping. Here are some you should have looked out for in the ready meal aisle.

Young people have forgotten how to do sex

YOUNG people have spent so long not associating with each other that they no longer have the skills to perform sexual intercourse.

The man's guide to commenting on women's bodies online

IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.

Agree a wanking schedule: Your guide to going back to working from home

BOUGHT a pricey mask, got a Pret subscription, risked your life on public transport - only to be sent home from the office? Here’s how to cope with working in the kitchen again.

New Covid tracing app gives you Covid, admits Hancock

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid.