News

Five twats from school you'll awkwardly bump into in the supermarket

IT’S inevitable that you’ll eventually bump into some twat from school while shopping. Here are some you should have looked out for in the ready meal aisle.

Young people have forgotten how to do sex

YOUNG people have spent so long not associating with each other that they no longer have the skills to perform sexual intercourse.

The man's guide to commenting on women's bodies online

IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.

Agree a wanking schedule: Your guide to going back to working from home

BOUGHT a pricey mask, got a Pret subscription, risked your life on public transport - only to be sent home from the office? Here’s how to cope with working in the kitchen again.

New Covid tracing app gives you Covid, admits Hancock

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid. 

Five sayings twats think are clever but everyone has heard

DO you think you’re impressing people by quoting wise sayings? Check they’re not the following overused phrases and you actually sound like a twat.

Every Leave voter to have a lorry parked on their driveway

EVERY Brexiter will be expected to host a lorry on their drive or front lawn to help Kent deal with the 7,000-strong queues expected after the transition period.

Six films to make you count your blessings about lockdown, or whatever

LOCKDOWN 2 is here, promising to be as good as Ghostbusters 2. These six movies should make you realise being stuck at home again isn’t so bad.

Why Bake Off is all that stands between me and full mental breakdown

IF I had been told, back when this started, that in September I’d be looking at another six months of this shit, I’d have choked myself to death on my own freshly-baked banana bread.

Government launches 'Get Shitfaced at 11am to Help Out' scheme

THE government has countered its pub curfew by launching the ‘Get Shitfaced at 10am to Help Out' scheme to support hostelries.

Dog realises he was adopted

A LABRADOR has realised that the people he thought were his parents are actually a different species.

Six unconventional male sex fantasy figures

DO you have sex fantasies too embarrassing to admit even to yourself? Here are six blokes you’ve had unwelcome thoughts of shagging.