Beyonce 'older than current universe'

BEYONCE is more than 14 billion years old and survived the heat-death and collapse of a previous universe, it has emerged.

China to build British nuclear plants that can be detonated remotely

CHINA has agreed to build nuclear power stations in Britain that can be detonated from Beijing.

Cat will eat rat but not cheaper catfood

A CAT has refused to eat a slightly cheaper brand of catfood, despite having recently eaten a rat.

Man having enormous ego trip by working on train

A MAN has convinced himself he is a high-powered business leader by doing some work on a train.

Government powerless to intervene in non-banking industry

THE government has confirmed there is absolutely nothing it can do to save the non-London-based steel industry. 

Happiness linked to being a bit stupid

RESEARCHERS have uncovered a direct link between contentment and thickness.

Annoying Star Wars character that will ruin it all confirmed as ‘Spunko Bo’

JJ ABRAMS has confirmed that the new unbearable Star Wars gimmick character is a jelly-like thing called Spunko Bo.

Heroic dog fights off potential boyfriend

A BRAVE dog has prevented its owner from talking to a possible romantic partner.