News

The QAnon supporter's guide to pretending it's not all bollocks

ARE your ludicrous QAnon conspiracy theories crumbling around you as Trump leaves office? Here’s how to pretend you expected this all along.

Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods

BRITAIN’S idiot drivers have vowed to try their luck at driving through floodwater after having a guess at how deep it is.

How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit

THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts.

How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old

YOGHURT the wrong way round? Given a spoon you don’t like? Make it into a massive drama with this handy guide.

'Gwyneth fanny candle explosion' is a sentence that makes sense in 2021

THE sentence ‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is one that makes perfect sense to people in the dystopia of 2021.

Lil Wayne, Joe Exotic, Lee Harvey Oswald: Trump reveals his pardon list

I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys.

Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank

IT wouldn’t be a national emergency if Britain didn’t get misty-eyed about World War Two. Here’s how we’re shoehorning memories of clobbering Hitler into 2021.

Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park

A MAN is so familiar with his local park that he can tell blades of grass apart from one another, he has confirmed.

Six twatty things Trump can do today before f**king off

DONALD Trump has just 24 hours left in office. What final anti-democratic asshole acts can he squeeze in before he finally departs?

'Go to the factory and ask': a grandparent's guide to finding a job

UNEMPLOYED? Made the mistake of admitting this to your elderly relatives? Read grandparent Roy Hobbs’s guide to thriving in a depressed job market.

Are you thick or are the schools having a f**king laugh? Take our quiz

THE return of homeschooling has once again seen educated, high-earning professionals wondering if they are actually shit-thick. Take our quiz and find out.

Britain begins 500-year isolation from the rest of the world

THE UK has begun a period of isolation from the rest of the world that is expected to last until approximately the year 2621.