Man wearing rucksack on both shoulders

COMMUTERS want to know why a man who gets the same train wears his rucksack on both shoulders.

'I hadn't had anything to eat,' confirms everyone who can't handle their ale

EVERYONE who gets pissed on a couple of drinks is continuing to insist it was because they had not had a proper meal that day.

Idiots organise child's birthday party for the middle of a Saturday

A CHILD’S birthday party has been organised specifically to f**k up the whole weekend.

Hungover man fights back tears after watching literally anything

A HUNGOVER man is struggling to stop himself from crying at the slightest provocation.

Woman asks for Shiraz because she likes the name

A WOMAN has ordered a glass of Shiraz as she prefers its name to other wines.

Northerner banished to south for saying London was 'okay'

A NORTHERN man has been exiled to the South of England after telling friends London was ‘not that bad’.

HR terms that mean you're about to get fired

ARE you being bombarded by indecipherable corporate jargon? Check to see if you’re about to get your ar*e kicked out the door.

Man marries woman he doesn't fancy to be polite

A BRITISH man has married a woman he is not attracted to out of sheer British politeness.

Parents full of sh*t, kids discover

CHILDREN have discovered their parents are total bullshitters who lie to them daily.

The gammon's guide to not having a racist bone in your body

BIGOTED bones are terrible. I had a granddad who suffered. But today’s gammons don’t have a racist bone in them, and here’s why:

Discrimination wrong unless it's based on what car you drive

NO-ONE should be discriminated against unless they drive a car that singles them out as an utter w**ker, Britain has agreed.

The Daily Telegraph guide to reporting the opposite of reality

DO YOU struggle to understand Daily Telegraph reportage which appears to come from a mirror-universe?