News

Dad loves pressure washer more than children

A FAMILY suspect their dad loves his new pressure washer more than his children.

Couple fondly remembers when they used to have sex because there was nothing on telly

A MIDDLE AGED couple have wistfully remembered the times when they used to be able to have sex because there was nothing to watch on telly.

How to weed out your crap friends

NOBODY has more than six friends, and if you do most of them are filler. Here’s how to sift the worthwhile friends from the dregs dragging you down.

Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

How to really f**k people off when you have kids

IF you’re looking to lose a few friends then why not have a child or two? Try these foolproof techniques for pissing off friends and strangers.

Couple spend so much on improvements it would have been cheaper to buy a new house

A COUPLE have opted to spend tens of thousands of pounds on home improvements instead of just buying a new f**king house. 

Five not-at-all racist or sexist reasons why gammons can't stand Alex Scott

WITH former England footballer and TV presenter Alex Scott set to take over from Sue Barker on A Question Of Sport, our panel of gammons explain why she’s the wrong choice.

New parent covered in shit and puke told 'you'll miss this one day'

THE parents of a two-month-old baby were told to ‘treasure every moment’ as their daughter was covering them in vile bodily fluids.

Guardian accidentally runs story that doesn't make you feel like topping yourself

THE Guardian has issued an apology to its readers after it mistakenly let through an article that did not cause feelings of utter despair about everything.

The six most annoying bastards who come knocking at your door

WILL people not stop knocking on your front door? Either scrawl ‘COVID PLAGUE HERE’ on it or give short shrift to the following bastards.

What the f**k is the point of a 10pm curfew? A scientist tries to explain

PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.

'Problem' drinker actually finding it quite easy

A MAN who read a newspaper article saying the amount he drinks is a problem has confirmed that he is actually finding it to be very easy.