News

Do spelling and grammar matter? A debate by two twats

SOME UK universities have relaxed their standards on spelling and grammar. Here pompous old git Norman Steele debates the issue with young, trendy wanker Josh Hudson.

Five embarrassing ways to stay young at heart

GETTING older but not happy about it? Here’s how to maintain the facade of youthfulness even if it means being a bit of a twat.

'With regards to yourself' and other annoying ways people speak

LEARN to speak proper and not get on other people’s nerves by avoiding these five common mistakes:

Seven jobs you've been putting off for three years that would take five minutes

WHY is it that some perfectly easy tasks are impossible to do? No one knows, but here are the piss-easy things you cannot get around to doing.

Andy McNab's SAS guide to lunch hour drinking

LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.

'Doesn't suffer fools gladly', and other ways to describe unreasonable bastards

SHOULD we really describe people as ‘not suffering fools gladly’ when in fact they’re just opinionated gobshites? Here are some weird euphemisms for unreasonable folk.

It's great to be back to normal, says man downing six pints on a Wednesday morning

A MAN keeps saying how great it is that things are back to normal, as if getting shitfaced in a freezing cold pub garden in the morning was something he used to do often.

How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry

FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how.

36 heroic Englishmen die of exposure in beer gardens

DOZENS of brave Britons have perished in noble and gallant service to their country by getting hammered in beer gardens.

How we made... six f**king terrible songs

DO you love those articles explaining how iconic tracks of the past were put together? Here musical artists recall how they made the hits you f**king hate.

'We value your privacy' and six other blatant corporate lies

THE corporate world is a palace of lies so glaringly obvious that they go almost unnoticed. Here are a few of the most frequent:

Want go Primark and pub-pub, by a grown British adult

LOCKDOWN stupid. Want go Homebase and get big plant pots and go pub with Pete, Gavin and Steve. Covid is silly and stupid and I hate it.