News

The gammon's guide to going abroad

AIR bridges mean that holidaying abroad is back on, so beet-red patriot Roy Hobbs explains how to make the most of two weeks in countries full of foreign bastards.

Get in shape with Boris Johnson

LOOKING to shift that lockdown paunch? The PM explains how you too can achieve his Adonis-like physique.

Disappointment for millions who had booked holidays in Leicester

MILLIONS of holidaymakers who had booked breaks in Leicester will be staying at home as the summer hotspot faces extended lockdown.

Man who did Glastonbury at home f**ks off and leaves mess for someone else to clean up

A MAN who did Glastonbury in his own garden has left his half-collapsed tent and all his rubbish for some other f**ker to sort out.

One-way system in Next basically fascism, says mum

A MOTHER of three adult children has called them all to say the new one-way system in Next is tantamount to an authoritarian regime.

Can your common sense defeat COVID-19? Take our quiz

GOOD old British common sense, of the kind that’s been so prevalent in the last few years, will beat coronavirus. But have you got the gumption?

Cake for breakfast is fine, say experts

EXPERTS have confirmed that eating cake for breakfast is absolutely fine and should be encouraged.

Places to visit in the UK this weekend that won't be full of turds and litter

FANCY a weekend jaunt where you won’t have to sit near a human turd or a mountain of empty two-litre cider bottles? Try these spots.

Dad getting into rap music despite family resistance

A FATHER-OF-TWO is becoming increasingly interested in rap music despite opposition from all members of his household.

Tenner that's been in wallet since March not sure what the f**k is going on

A £10 note that has been in a man’s wallet since March this year is wondering what the f**k is going on out there.

Illegal rave at Chequers later

WHATSAPP messages racing around the country are advertising an illegal rave at Chequers, the country home of the prime minister, this evening.

Five things the buzzing noise that is definitely your flatmate's vibrator could also plausibly be

THAT sound is a vibrator, and you are listening to your housemate get her rocks off. Here's five other things that unmistakeable noise could be if you try very hard to convince yourself.