News

How is your family plaguing you on WhatsApp during the crisis?

YOU may have shaken off your family thanks to social distancing, but there’s no escaping them once they set up a WhatsApp group. Here’s what to expect.

Next door neighbours become 80 per cent more irritating

YOUR next door neighbours have become more annoying now you are locked down next to them, experts have confirmed. 

What to do now you've bought too much stuff like a f**king idiot

ARE you drowning in a sea of panic-bought bog paper and food? Here are some ways to use up your stock of irresponsible purchases.

Woman never realised husband was such a twat at work

A WOMAN working from home alongside her partner had not realised he was such an annoying dick in the workplace. 

How to keep your boomer relatives indoors

STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.

Your guide to holding out till midday before starting to drink

THESE are stressful times and you’ve probably stocked up on booze. But how do you hold out until noon, when it is fine to start getting leathered? Read our guide.

Gammons demand referendum on telling the coronavirus to sod off

BRITAIN’S gammons have called for a referendum to tell the coronavirus to get lost like we did with the EU.

Five incredibly stupid things you shouldn't be doing right now

LOOKING to get an iconic photo of yourself posing in front of an empty city? Stop and do not do that, you ignorant prick. Resist the temptation to do these things too. 

Idiots finally realise toilet paper is not a valuable commodity

BRITAIN’S idiots are beginning to realise that cheap paper for wiping your bottom is not a valuable commodity like gold or diamonds.

Woman lasts three days in lockdown before deciding to cut her own hair

A WOMAN made it just three days into lockdown before deciding to cut her own hair for entertainment.

How to be an absolute bellend, by Tim Martin

HI, I’m big-haired idiot Tim Martin. When I’m not running crap pubs I’m being awful to my staff. Here’s how to be an absolute bellend like me.

Good thing we stockpiled, say f**kwits

BRITONS stuck at home for three weeks have reflected that it is a good thing they stockpiled or they would not have all this rice.