Stupid things to do in lockdown you'll regret when it's over

ARE your feelings of anxiety and peril making you think it’s a good idea to text your ex? Don’t. This will pass and you’ll feel like a twat. Here are some more things not to do.

Man's supportive tweets and posts getting on everyone's tits

A MAN using social media to keep friends and relatives’ spirits up should just f**king stop, everyone has agreed.

Quaint old concept of 'days of the week' remembered

BRITAIN has cast its mind back to the old times when the days of the week were individually named and distinct from one another.

How to tick off your bucket list from your front room

YOU can’t leave the house, and it turns out most things are done outside the house. But what can you tick off from your bucket list while alone in the front room?

The symptoms of being a selfish bastard, by chief medical officer Professor Chris Whitty

I’M PROFESSOR Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Office of the UK, and we are discovering that more and more Britons are terminally selfish bastards.

Mike Ashley offers to open Sports Direct but stop paying wages

MIKE Ashley has offered to open his Sports Direct stores to help public health but, as a compromise, will stop paying his staff.

Britain wakes up to what the actual f**k

THE UK has woken up to what the f**k happened? We were all still doing normal stuff two weeks ago? Holy shit.

Nation incapable of not eating stockpiled food

BRITONS are physically incapable of having nice food or booze in the house without shoving it down their greedy throats, they have admitted.

Queen already bored of kicking around the same old 1,000-room castle

THE Queen has admitted she is already bored wandering around the same old lavish 1820s state apartments again and again.

Five ways to cope with video conferencing

ARE you loathing those keen bastards who insist on video conferencing when a simple phone call will do? Try these tips for getting out of it:

Loo roll aisles to be turned into intensive care beds

UNUSED supermarket aisles that once, long ago, contained toilet paper could be repurposed as pop-up intensive care units.

How to recreate your crappy office at home

MISSING your colleagues at your office job? Here’s how to recreate a soul-destroying office atmosphere while working from home.