Man sacked from last nine jobs applies to become Tory MP

A MAN who has been fired nine times in a row for incompetence and dodgy dealings is applying to be a Conservative MP.

Northerners delighted to see what scum Southerners really are

NORTHERNERS are enjoying the scenes at Bournemouth beach that prove once and for all that Southerners are just scum with fancy accents. 

Jogger beats their personal best at being a smug, annoying bastard

A SELF-SATISFIED jogger has just smashed their personal best at being an all-round insufferable bastard, it has emerged.

Five moronic things to say every time there's a heatwave

A HEATWAVE in Britain guarantees inane conversations about the weather. Here are some things to say to help you join in.

Woman wasting 30 hours a week rereading emails she's just sent

A WOMAN is idiotically wasting a large chunk of her life rereading emails and WhatsApp messages the moment she has sent them.

Is this Britain or Hell? Take our quiz

IT’S unbearably hot, anything you do might kill you and a malevolent clown is gambling with your life and future. Is it Britain or Hell? Find out with our fun quiz.

Topless hunk flaunts beer belly in raunchy khaki shorts

AN overweight man has been spotted showing off his curvaceous assets in the park, it has emerged.

'Cockwomble' and other annoyingly overused insults that should f**k off

IF you spend even a small amount of time online, you’ll find people throwing around bum-clenchingly lame insults they think are riotously funny. Here are the worst.

White Lives Matter supporter has zero examples of what the f**k he's on about

A MAN asked to explain what the phrase ‘white lives matter’ means was unable to give any explanation that was not bullshit. 

Britain's problem is it's full of twats, say experts

FROM useless wanker politicians to the f**kwitted man-in-the-street the UK’s main problem is that it is full of twats, research has found.

Boris Johnson's patronising guide to how long a metre is

METRES aren’t British, so no true patriot should be able to remember how long they are without help. Use these sturdy pointers.

Why bother with pubs when we can get pissed in our gardens for half the price? asks Britain

BRITONS have admitted they cannot imagine why they would bother with pubs when it is so much cheaper to get shitfaced in the garden.