News

Nits shagging all over your kids' hair

HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.

How to be a ponce about your lockdown

WERE your lockdown experiences deeper and more meaningful than everyone else’s? Do you need to tell them?

Starmer self-isolating after family member shows symptoms of Corbynism

SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.

No Deal Brexit could see Waitrose become billionaire-only

ONLY customers with a net worth of a billion-plus will be able to afford Waitrose if Britain leave the EU without a deal, the supermarket has warned.

Have you memorised your Wetherspoons emergency survival plan?

IN THE event of a Covid outbreak in your local 'Spoons, fast and decisive action by punters is required. Here is the chain’s advice to read and commit to memory.

How to enjoy being a petty-minded snitch

IS being asked by the government to grass everyone up for Rule of Six violations your dream come true? Here’s how make the most of it.

Six bedtime habits to leave you knackered the next day

A ILL-JUDGED bedtime routine can ruin the whole of the next day. These simple habits will ensure you wake up completely buggered from the outset.

'I don't know them! I promise, I'm a stranger!' says man dragged away from group of six by Covid marshalls

A MAN dragged away from a group of six people by armed Covid marshalls is desperately pleading that he does not know them.

Is your ex toxic or just a wanker?

WHEN a relationship ends, it throws up questions about whether your ex was a toxic abusive manipulating gaslighter or a simple twat.

Woman tragically unaware she's being judged

A WOMAN on the receiving end of a barbed, underhand comment has remained tragically unaware that she is being judged.

Covid-19 totally confused about what it's allowed to do where

THE coronavirus has admitted being a bit confused about who it is allowed to infect in England, Scotland and Wales under new rules.

The optimist's guide to the current news shitstorm

COVID’S back, Brexit is reaching unprecedented levels of hardness, and Trump is planning another eight years. Try to look on the bright side.