News

Man off sick considering a w*nk

A MAN who is ill in bed and feeling miserable is wondering whether a wank might help.

The pros and cons of getting a facial tattoo

TATTOOS are great and nobody ever regrets them, so why not get one done where everyone can see it? Good idea? Bad idea?

Full stops to be formally retired in favour of 'lol'

FULL stop usage is being suspended indefinitely now that most people end every single written sentence with ‘lol’.

Straight Pride festival to be BBQ in Homebase car park with Ed Sheeran on repeat

A MAN has organised a Straight Pride festival that reflects his heterosexual values by putting on a barbecue in a corner of Homebase car park.

Teachers remind 16-year-olds that GCSEs will dictate every aspect of their entire lives

RESPONSIBLE teachers have informed their Year 11 pupils that their exams will determine which of them succeed or fail for the next 70-80 years.

Male mannequins to feature hand down front of trousers

MALE fashion mannequins are to be more realistic, including at least one hand rammed permanently down the front of their trousers.

New dating app for people with massive holes in their earlobes

A NEW DATING app has launched to connect people who have massive, stupid holes in their ears.

Wedding list taking the absolute piss

A COUPLE'S online wedding list has got to be taking the piss, it has been confirmed.

How middle-class is your internet history?

YOUR internet history is an open secret to your boss and your partner so it needs to reflect your values and aspirations. But is it middle-class enough?

Johnson accidentally sold Britain to Peruvian drug lord

BRITAIN belongs to a Peruvian drug lord after an ‘accident’ by Boris Johnson.

Gove mad for the gak

MICHAEL Gove is absolutely mental for beak, the white stuff, ching and nose crack, he has confessed. 

Man urgently needs to buy himself something

A MAN who has had a tough week is urgently searching for something he can buy himself to cheer himself up.