News

Pigeons working-class, RSPB admits

THE Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has admitted that pigeons are a rough bunch of bastards who bring the other birds down.

16 tweets Trump would have sent this weekend if he could

DONALD Trump’s Twitter account was deleted this weekend, which he considers the worst outrage of the last seven days. Here’s what he would have tweeted if he could.

Plumber sick of everyone coming to him with bloody plumbing problems

A PLUMBER who works 12 hours a day, seven days a week to keep up with demand wishes people would stop pestering him with bloody jobs they want doing.

It feels wrong to masturbate at a time like this, but we must

THE UK is in lockdown. A deadly new strain of Covid is loose. Democracy is under attack in the US. But while it seems this is no time to masturbate, we must.

Aspic and four other 70s foods that should never make a comeback

LONGING for the simpler days of bell-bottom trousers, disco and good Star Wars films? Remind yourself how bad things actually were in the 70s with these godforsaken meals.

Sandwich

Arsehole calls cheese sandwich his 'lunch game'

AN unbearable man is referring to his hastily thrown together middle of the day meal as his 'lunch game'.

Running or cycling: how are you going to annoy people this year?

PLANNING to get fit in 2021? Take our quiz to find out which type of exercise arsehole you should be.

women park

Woman who says 'can't complain' then does so for f**king ages

A WOMAN who began a conversation by saying she 'knows she should count her blessings' has gone on to moan for absolutely f**king ages.

I am ready to accept your apologies, says Brexiter

A BREXITER has big-heartedly agreed to accept apologies from Remainers for all their terrible lies and smears.

Is the third wave all your fault? Take our quiz

THE prime minister has heavily hinted that the third wave of Covid infections was caused by the British public, because it cannot be his fault. Are you guilty? Find out:

Six great ways to avoid having sex with your partner

IN the current circumstances, you might not be feeling that sexy. Or you just might not fancy it, like normal. Either way, here are some great tips to prevent passionate lovemaking.

Single people wondering if they'll ever go on a shit date again

THE nation’s unloved loners have been left wondering if they will get to enjoy a shit date with a weirdo ever again.