Woman briefly wonders if cocaine is vegan

A WOMAN pursuing an ethical lifestyle has briefly wondered if cocaine is vegan.

Really liking gin 'not a substitute for having a personality'

PEOPLE who go on about gin have been reminded that it should not be used a personality substitute.

Big wall f*cked

A MAN’s plan to build a big, stupid wall is fucked.

Man either outraged there aren't dog poppies or outraged no dogs are wearing them

A BRITISH patriot is offended there are not poppies for dogs or offended that no dogs are wearing them, whichever should turn out to be the case.

Learner driver can't wait to ditch this 'ten-to-two' bullshit

A LEARNER driver cannot wait to ditch the bullshit ten-to-two hand position.

Woman planning nice healthy dinner of soup and entire loaf of bread

A WOMAN is planning a simple, nutritious kitchen supper of a carrot soup and a full loaf of bread.

Teething is a form of demonic possession, confirm experts

BABIES who are ‘teething’ are actually possessed by evil demons sent from hell, experts have confirmed.

Public urged to learn DIY surgery in run up to NHS winter crisis

THE government has urged the public to learn the basics of DIY surgery ahead of the annual NHS winter crisis.