News

Six people it's safe to talk to while wearing your mask around your chin

SICK of wearing your face mask on your actual face? Does it feel more natural on your chin? These six people couldn’t care less if your spittle is flying at them.

'It's like they don't want the work', says man who thinks builders are poor

A MAN is mystified that builders have not returned his calls because he assumes they live in skips wearing filthy overalls desperate for cash-in-hand.

Boris Johnson's guide to not dying when you go to the pub

GETTING wankered in a building named after a king is 80 per cent of Britain’s economy, so as prime minister I need to make that happen. Here’s how to survive it:

Queue outside Games Workshop reaches two meters

QUEUES outside branches of Games Workshop have reached the two-metre mark as pairs of desperate gamers wait to get inside.

Should I let a working class person into my social bubble?

WORRIED about lowering the tone of your social bubble? Waitrose shopper Charlotte Phelps explains how to get the perfect mix.

When will Boris explain where the f**k Frosties have gone?

THE government has misled, hidden the facts and flat-out lied to Britain. Worse, they have refused to explain what the f**k has happened to Frosties.

How to get disproportionately angry about a tiny thing going wrong in your house

COPING fine with 2020? It’s just that the kitchen lightbulb blowing has caused you to clench your fists and scream ‘f**k the world’?

Chumbawamba statue back up again

A STATUE of left-wing band Chumbawumba pulled down last week is already back up again, it has emerged.

Unbearable arsehole claims her child doesn't like sugar

AN obnoxious middle-class mother has asserted that her five-year-old has never had sugar and would not like it if he did.

'Do you even f**king know me?' says dad who's opened DIY and race car-themed cards

A FATHER-OF-TWO who received motor racing and DIY-themed Father’s Day cards has asked his children if they even know who he f**king is.

Woman proud to support independent shops once she's cross-checked prices online

A WOMAN is passionate about supporting local businesses, provided they are not marking products up too much compared to global retail giant Amazon.

Hancock admits track and trace app was developed for Nokia 3310

THE health secretary has admitted that the government’s 'world beating' track and trace app failed because it was developed for a 20-year-old phone.