News

'It's worth paying extra for quality': How to be an arse about farmers' markets

DO you regularly spend far too much at a farmers’ market and want others to know about it? Here’s how to bring it up constantly.

Five people having more sex than you this weekend

THE weekend is the perfect time to unwind by banging relentlessly, but you and your partner will fall asleep on the sofa while others are having the best sex of their lives. Who are they?

Deliveroo man can no longer hide his contempt for your lifestyle

A DELIVEROO driver who has visited one address several times over the past week is no longer bothering to conceal his disgust.

Sick freak keeps car and house keys on same ring

A PERVERTED anarchist monster who recognises no authority has outraged society by keeping their car and house keys on a single keyring.

Parents spend shitloads on trampoline so kids can play on it for two f**king days

A COUPLE spent 200 quid on a trampoline only for their kids to get bored of it after two f**king days.   

Woman gives birth in pub so her husband can be there

A NEW mum gave birth in her local pub so that her husband could see his baby being born.  

How to ignore all common sense with the 'rule of six'

WORRIED you may still trust your own judgement rather than blindly following instructions from renowned logician Boris Johnson? Try these hypothetical scenarios: 

'Who on earth has six mates?' man wonders

A MAN who only has four friends is wondering what sort of person would be so popular that limiting gatherings to six people would be a problem.

How to enjoy Freshers' Week from your childhood bedroom: a guide for students

JUST because universities are moving online doesn’t mean you can’t have a debauched Freshers’ Week. Here’s how to kick off your university experience from your childhood bedroom at your parents' house.

The Guardian reader's guide to breaking up a rave

AS a socially responsible Guardian reader, it’s your duty to prevent young people harming themselves at weekend raves. But how? Here are your questions answered.

Dominic Cummings' guide to breaking the new lockdown rules

ALRIGHT plebs, it’s Dominic Cummings here, the guy who single-handedly destroyed the public’s willingness to follow lockdown rules. Here’s my advice on how to get round the new guidelines.

Five total f**king lunatics you'll find in every local Facebook group

WHETHER it’s the woman obsessed with dog crap or the bloke who manages to make comments about the bin collection racist, here are the weirdos who lurk in every group.