Five foreign language films you could watch but oh, you've just put on Friends again

THE TIME in self-isolation could be spent watching some of those great foreign language movies you've been meaning to see like, oh, you've put Friends on from the beginning instead.

Adult kids treat mum to phone call telling her to stay inside for Mother's Day

THE CHILDREN of a 65-year-old woman are celebrating her years of selfless love by not going to see her this Mother’s Day.

School kid who didn't revise and prayed for a miracle scared of his own powers

A SCHOOLBOY who asked for divine intervention to get out of his GCSEs is in terrified awe of the trouble he has created.

Coronavirus: are you judging others enough?

EVERYONE knows how important it is to wash your hands and stay indoors, but are you also judging other people’s activities enough? Try these:

Couple who do f**k all outraged they can't go out and do things

A COUPLE who never get off their arses are furious that they are not supposed to go anywhere at the moment.

Receipts at bottom of woman's handbag enough to wipe arse on for three years

A WOMAN is unconcerned about running out of loo roll because she has at least 3,000 crumpled receipts in her handbag.

Toddlers to retrain as paramedics

CHILDREN aged between two and 12 who are immune to the coronavirus are to train as frontline healthcare staff.

Six songs Brits can sing to keep morale up while in self-isolation

WHILE the Italians lift each other’s spirits with opera, British people can only yowl along to Wonderwall with their neighbours. And these classics.

'Plenty of pasta, hello, we've plenty of pasta over here', say corner shops

THE UK’s convenience stores want to tell customers they have shelves groaning with pasta but cannot be heard over the noise of fighting outside Tesco.

The elderly parents' guide to getting coronavirus advice wrong

ARE you an older person determined to drive your children up the wall by misunderstanding every bit of coronavirus advice?

Five excellent upsides to the coronavirus crisis

CAN you remember the last time anyone mentioned Brexit? Despite the misery of coronavirus maybe it’s not all bad. Here are some more silver linings.

Man buys 72 toilet rolls in morning, spends evening in pub

A MAN who spent his morning panic-buying toilet roll will spend his evening with a large group of regulars at his local.