News

'If you haven't experienced it, it may still exist', experts warn

EXPERTS have confirmed that it is possible that even if an issue has not directly impacted your life, it may still be real.

Woman desperately wants you to notice her engagement ring

A WOMAN is going to extreme lengths to make people comment on the large gemstone on her finger, it has emerged.

Why Britain must return completely to normal, by all the worst dickheads

CORONAVIRUS? What coronavirus? Here some of Britain’s leading business dickheads explain why it’s time to pretend everything’s okay.

'You haven't got that fat, actually' and other post-lockdown greetings

AFTER months of lockdown you’re probably a bit rusty at the old small talk. Here are some conversational icebreakers for this brave new COVID-19 world.

Londoner recreates ordering a pint by binning a tenner

A MAN is throwing £10 notes straight in the bin to simulate the experience of buying a pint in London.

I'd like you all to f**k off, says dad when asked what he wants for Father's day

A FATHER of young children has said what he would really like for Father’s Day is some f**king peace in an empty house.

Who are you f**king furious at online today?

BRITAIN could have spent 12 weeks of lockdown learning the piano, reading Ulysses or helping others, but instead we’re being bloody angry online. Who’s getting it today? 

Woman ruins favourite song by listening to it for eight hours on a loop

A WOMAN who liked a song so much she listened to it for eight hours straight can no longer endure even the opening notes.

How to pretend to enjoy eating outdoors in London

PARTS of central London are to be transformed into European-style outdoor dining areas. Here’s how to deal with rain, pigeons and drunk passers-by.

Government asked to save all theatre apart from Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals

THEATRE lovers would like the government to step in and save the performing arts sector apart from crap like Cats.

The Tory guide to why teachers are to blame for everything

TORY MPs have claimed teachers are selfishly stopping kids going back to school. Here MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why the entire teaching profession is evil.

Blue passports to double as ration books

POST-BREXIT blue passports are to double as Second World War-style ration booklets to make everyone really proud of being British again.