News

Wine connoisseurs 'missing entire point of wine'

SO-CALLED wine experts are misleading the public about the basic function of wine, critics have claimed.

Are you looking at your phone enough first thing in the morning?

YOU wake up, you turn your alarm off and you spend a solid 10 minutes staring at your phone screen, just like you did before you went to sleep. But are you doing it enough?

How to be a miserable d*ck about other people's GCSE results

DID you pass your GCSEs decades ago, but love to whine and shit on teenagers’ success anyway? Try these buzzkillers.

I don't even want Greenland any more, pouts Trump while playing with toy Greenland

PRESIDENT Trump has told Denmark that he does not even want Greenland anyway while sulking and playing with his beloved Playmobil Greenland set.

Woman opts for celibacy rather than tidying her room

A WOMAN has decided never to have sex again rather than endure the horror of tidying her bedroom.

Are you tediously wholesome enough to be a Bake Off contestant?

THE new Bake Off contestants look so pleasant and well-adjusted you're probably feeling a bit nauseous already. But are you annoyingly nice enough to get on the show? Read our checklist.

Boyfriend thinking of doing stand-up comedy instantly 85% less attractive

THE girlfriend of a man who believes he is funny enough to be a stand-up comedian is considering terminating the relationship immediately.

Child who calls parents by their first names freaking everyone out

A CHILD with trendy parents who uses their first names instead of 'mum' and 'dad' is having a chilling effect on people.

Living life to the full 'not the same as getting p*ssed every day'

A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that leading a rich and full life might not necessarily involve getting sh*tfaced as often as possible.

Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling

GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed. 

Tedious b*stard decides his personality is 'meat eater'

A MAN without much personality has decided to compensate by constantly telling people how into meat he is.

The idiot's guide to changing your name

WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.