News

The Love Island contestant's guide to not being unbelievably stupid

ARE you a Love Island contestant worried that you’ll become a meme by saying something jaw-droppingly thick? Here are some basic things you should know about.

Now the recycling man won't know how much wine you drink, says Waitrose

WAITROSE has launched a new bring-your-own-container policy so the neighbours and binmen will never know how much you drink.

Imagine watching that interview, but the British f**kwit is your prime minister, say Americans

AMERICANS have asked Britons to watch the Morgan-Trump interview again, but this time imagine the British idiot is now leading their country.

All the palaces in the world aren't worth three days of this, says Queen

THE Queen is contemplating abdicating the throne if anyone ever again tries to make her spend three days with President Trump.

Guests unaware that crisp bowl is also sick bowl

DINNER party guests have been kept unaware the bowl they have been served Kettle Chips from was last week used as a child vomit receptacle.

Death of iTunes 'like Berlin Wall coming down'

CELEBRATIONS are continuing worldwide after the victory the world feared it would never see: the day iTunes was finally defeated.

If you don't want to eat chlorinated chicken, you could always just read the f**king label, say experts

PEOPLE worried about eating chlorinated chicken have been advised to read the label on any chickens that they buy.

Bearskin guard cannot believe ludicrous shit Trump has on his head

A BEARSKIN guard outside Buckingham Palace has admitted struggling to keep a straight face at the preposterous thing on President Trump’s head.

Widdecombe to cure gay people using magnets

ANN Widdecombe has confirmed that homosexuality could be reversed with powerful magnets.

'Foodies' congratulate themselves on ability to eat

THOUSANDS are self-styled 'foodies' are trumpeting their ability to orally process nutrients, it has emerged.

Couple move house to be in catchment area of 'outstanding' Waitrose

A COUPLE have relocated to a smaller house to be in the catchment area of an outstanding Waitrose, they have confirmed.

Britain distracted from troubles by vibrating orange clown

BRITAIN is to spend the next week pleasantly distracted from its ongoing political crisis by watching a touring orange clown.