Woman needs cup of tea to summon energy to make tea

A WOMAN who badly needs a cup of tea to get anything done is unable to make one because she needs one so badly.

'Wet January' and four other ways to cure the New Year blues

THE new year can be a difficult time for many, especially after 12 months of bloody 2020. Here are some surefire ways to shake off the January blues.

Rationing bog rolls, and other ways 2021 could be even worse

AS we start a new year, everyone is convinced 2021 cannot possibly be as bad as 2020. They're right. It could be worse.

'It's been a hard year' and other excuses for that tenth Baileys

CHRISTMAS was just a brief pause before entering tier 4 this year, so as a new year begins use these excuses to finish that bottle of Baileys.

Trampoline in front garden knocks 15 per cent off house prices

THE value of every house in a street has dropped by 15 per cent after a child’s Christmas trampoline was set up in the front garden.

Couple on wholesome New Year's walk still high

A COUPLE enjoying a bracing walk to welcome the new year are still off their faces from last night.

Never leaving the pub early ever again, and other resolutions for a post-pandemic 2021

THERE’S a vaccine coming, unless the Tories f**k it up, and after the inevitable January lockdown life could return to normal. Make resolutions accordingly.

Spooning in the bath with Dominic Cummings, and other bad dreams of 2020

OUR brains had a lot to process this year so if your nightmares have involved some pretty weird shit, you’re not alone.

Stop lying to yourselves and chuck us in the f**king bin, say nuts

A SELECTION of mixed nuts ostensibly bought for Christmas have appealed to the household to stop deluding themselves and put them in the bin. 

Man taking shots of Gaviscon like tequila

A DAD is getting into the party spirit by doing repeated shots of Gaviscon.

Elderly parent helps out by washing up immediately next to dishwasher

AN elderly parent is helping at Christmas by doing the washing up while standing three feet away from a dishwasher.