News

People in bullshit jobs experiencing existential crisis

PEOPLE in jobs that are total bollocks are wondering if they have wasted their lives, they have confirmed.

Cats unprepared for all the extra attention

THE UK’s cats do not know why their owners are suddenly home and getting all up in their faces during their quiet time.

Couple forced to work from home realise neither actually does any work

A COUPLE forced to work from home has each realised that the other one’s claims to have a punishingly hard job are bullshit.

Your guide to this week's looting

AS the coronavirus crisis rolls on, it’s only a small step from panic-buying to full-on looting. Here’s how to prepare for a fun - and profitable - looting spree.

How to cut a Coronavirus chart banger, by Ed Sheeran

AS the best contemporary songwriter since Bono, I can’t shy away from taking on the big issues. Here’s how I’ll write the Ring a Ring O’ Roses for the coronavirus generation.

Schools to be renamed 'virus incubators'

SCHOOLS are to be renamed again from St Peter’s New Horizons Aspiration Academy to St Peter’s Deadly Coronavirus Incubator and Transmission Hub.

Man with slight cough on bus stared at like survivor hiding zombie bite

A MAN on the bus with a slight cough is being stared at by other passengers like a survivor of the zombie apocalypse hiding a bite.

Socially distanced St Patrick's Day: how to have COVID-19-free craic

ST PATRICK’S Day without pubs, inflatable shamrock hats and drunken en masse singing of the Pogues seems impossible. But here’s how to keep the craic coming at home.

It's milk and bread next, say stockpiling bastards

MILK and bread will be the next victims of needless panic buying, Britain’s moronic stockpilers have confirmed.

Five shitty places for holidaying in Britain now you can't go abroad

WITH the coronavirus making summer holidays abroad unlikely, here are five shitty places you can choose to visit in Britain instead.

Woman pretending to be relaxed about shoes on or off

A WOMAN is pretending to be relaxed about whether guests should keep their shoes on at the front door or take them off.

How to make sure you beat your best friend at finding romance

ARE you in a codependent female friendship and worried about which of you will meet someone first? Here are some ways to make sure you ‘win’.