'It's my birthday week' says woman who needs to grow the f**k up

A SELFISH brat of a woman has announced that she expects her birthday celebrations to last an entire bloody week.

How to explain to your children that the world has gone to hell

EVERYTHING is bad again and looks unlikely to improve anytime soon. If your inquisitive little darlings are asking if this is the apocalypse, here’s how to explain it.

Thank f**k for that, say people planning nights out in Bolton

BOLTONERS are overjoyed that they cannot have a night out in Bolton for the foreseeable future.

Britain united in belief that 'work anniversaries' are bullshit

THE only thing that the whole of Britain can still agree on is that the idea of celebrating ‘work anniversaries’ is total bullshit, it has emerged.

Five wonderfully depressing EastEnders Covid-19 storylines

EASTENDERS is back with a bleak lockdown storyline, but there are surely many more pandemic possibilities. What about these?

Frogmore Cottage on AirBNB

FROGMORE Cottage has been listed on holiday rental service AirBNB, it has emerged.

Why men and women can never be just friends, by a man who last had sex in 1997

TAKE it from me, a man who hasn’t got laid this millennium, it’s scientifically impossible for men and women to have platonic friendships and not have sex.

Trains to introduce 'anti-mask wanker only' carriages

RAIL operators are to protect passengers with brain cells by introducing carriages exclusively for twats who refuse to wear face masks.

Absolutely hating the bastard school run already at pre-lockdown levels

THE number of parents loathing the school run with every fibre of their being is already at the level it was in March.

The totally unnecessary baby stuff you'll be conned into buying

ANXIOUS first-time parent? Here’s five essential bits of newborn kit from businesses who capitalising on your gullibility.

Wear a jumper, and other really f**king obvious autumn wardrobe ideas

THE leaves are turning, the nights are drawing in, it will soon be f**king freezing. Try these excruciatingly obvious ways of adapting your wardrobe.

Female friendships 'exhausting', women confirm

WOMEN have agreed that friendship with other women is too stressful and plan to move to male-style friendships without any obligation for emotional support.