Life on Mars 'will be shite', say scientists

SCIENTISTS have finally confirmed that life on Mars will be crappy little bacteria with no ray guns.  

London renters 'only have room to stockpile six tins for Brexit'

PEOPLE who rent flats in London would begin to starve after roughly two days in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Anyone referring to 'smarts' can f**k right off

PEOPLE who say they or anyone else has “got their smarts” should fuck off, everyone has decided.

Slight breeze makes man fall to knees and weep with joy

A SLIGHT breeze has brought a man to his knees with blessed relief, witnesses have confirmed.

The office worker's guide to using the toilets

GOING to the toilet at work is a minefield of unflushed bogs and sharing your intimate bodily functions with co-workers. Here’s how to get through it with dignity.

Parents head to park to spend quality time with their smartphone

PARENTS are taking the kids to the park this summer in the hope they get some uninterrupted time on their smart phone.

Headphones means f**k off 

IF SOMEONE in the office is wearing headphones it means they want everyone to fuck off, it has been claimed.

Man who just wants more people to read books furious about the books they’re reading

A MAN who thinks people should read more is absolutely horrified with everyone's choice of reading.