Are you an unbearable control freak?

YOU'VE heard people mutter that you’re a 'control freak fun vacuum' but you think you just want things to be nice. So which is it?

Woman who 'journals' daily still full of self-indulgent shit

A WOMAN who spends 30 minutes a day writing her thoughts into a journal is still full of self-indulgent crap for all the remaining hours.

Calling it a 'taproom' makes getting pissed seem educational

A TOTAL pisshead is delighted that a 'taproom' has opened locally because it makes getting hammered sound like a legitimate educational activity.

Sunday is my favourite day of the week, says freak who doesn't hate his job

A WEIRDO who does not dread going back to work has revealed that Sunday is his favourite day of the week.

Woman hopes husband will stop eating and die rather than chew so loudly

A WOMAN finds the noise of her husband chewing so annoying that she would quite like him to starve to death.

The Telegraph guide to blaming lefties for the coronavirus

THE stock market has crashed and Brexit is under threat. It must be the fault of left-wing do-gooders. Here’s how to give them all the blame.

Self-styled 'Peter Pan' thinks it's attractive to women

A 34-YEAR-OLD man who says he 'never wants to grow up' believes it makes him sound appealing.

Man who criticises women for their size upset when they do it about his penis

A MAN who believes women are not attractive unless they are a certain size is distressed when they say the same thing about his penis.

Which idiotic romantic fantasy are you wasting your life on?

LOVE is blind, and stupid too if you’re lusting after people who are unavailable, inappropriate or straight-out idiots. Here’s how to snap yourself out of it.

Husband cleans own house and babysits own children as birthday gift to wife

IN an incredible act of generosity, a man has done some cleaning and babysitting for his wife’s 40th birthday present.

Woman avoiding holding husband's hand just in case

A WOMAN is secretly avoiding holding her husband’s hand in case he has not washed them properly.

The Wetherspoons customer's guide to surviving coronavirus

IT’S the ultimate nightmare scenario - your local Spoons being shut. Here regular Roy Hobbs explains what to do during the coronavirus crisis.