News

F22 Raptor Also A Camera

THE new F22 Raptor stealth fighter can now store up to 25,000 songs and features a class leading 6.2 megapixel camera, built-in. 

85% Of Men Have No Idea How To React To Helen Mirren In A Bikini

THE majority of British men were in a state of extreme confusion last night after seeing photos of 63 year-old Helen Mirren in a bikini.

Fat Guy Made Excellent Firedoor, Say Colleagues

A FIREFIGHTER sacked for being overweight is a key member of the team and makes an outstanding firedoor, his colleagues said last night.

Teenagers Urged To Sponge Groins After Sex

TEENAGERS are being urged to sponge themselves thoroughly following a sharp increase in young person's sex diseases.

Yet Another Batman Film Without The Batusi

HOLLYWOOD'S A-list has gathered in New York for the premiere of the latest Batman film not to feature the Batusi.

Ronnie Wood Finally Slows Down

ROLLING Stone Ronnie Wood has ditched his punishing regime of endless cocaine binges for the more sedate lifestyle of month-long drinking sessions with Russian barmaids.

Brown To Flood Streets With 100,000 Crazed Thugs

GORDON Brown is to tackle violent crime by identifying the country's worst families and forcing them to live on the streets.

Knife Carriers To Be Shown Round Spoon Factories

YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.