News

Russia Evil After All

ALMOST 20 years after the end of the Cold War, it emerged last night that Russia really is evil and wants to kill everyone.

'Royals Can Have Privacy As Soon As They Give Us The Money Back'

MOST Britons believe the Royal Family is entitled to its privacy, as soon as it hands back all the money and at least two of the palaces.

Sky Unveils New Method For Mingling Sub-Standard Genetic Material

CILLA BLACK, the nation's matchmaker, is to return to our screens with a radical new format for the co-mingling of sub-standard genetic material. 

Government Orders Everyone To Move House

EVERYONE in Britain has been given three weeks to move house and then redo the bathroom as part of the government's plan to boost the ailing economy.

BBC News To Ban All Numbers Higher Than Nine

THE BBC is to ban the use of any number higher than nine from its television and radio news bulletins, the Corporation said last night. 

Everyone Pretending To Have Read The Gulag Archipelago

A RECORD number of people were last night claiming to have read The Gulag Archipelago by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

Worrall Thompson Foiled

CELEBRITY chef Antony Worrall Thompson has been foiled in his bid to kill the entire readership of Healthy & Organic Living magazine.

Parents To Be Sent Drawing Of Fat Child

PARENTS of fat children are to be sent sketches of their overweight kids after the government banned schools from describing them as obese.