New Dictionary Reflects Britain’s Love Affair With Sexual Deviancy

TERMS including 'frogging', 'donkey handbag' and 'eine Mosley schaften' have all been included in the new Chambers English Dictionary.

Al Qaeda To Fire Fat Guy At Canary Wharf

THE only thing more dangerous to the UK than terrorism and obesity is a combination of the two, experts said last night.

Bank Of England Told To Cheer The Fuck Up

THE Bank of England was last night told to give it a rest for a few weeks, or at least start things off with a joke.

North Ghastly

THE north of England is just so horrid and ghastly, according to a new report by some people who work in central London.

Giant Pineapple Is Trying To Kill Me, Reveals Charles

PRINCE Charles has demanded a ban on genetically modified crops after the latest attempt on his life by an enormous piece of fruit.

Sarkozy Getting It Tonight

FRENCH president Nicolas Sarkozy is looking forward to a 'very exciting evening' as a reward for his role in ending the conflict in Georgia.

West Applauds China's Treatment Of Ugly Child

CHINA was last night congratulated for its adoption of western values after banning an ugly child from appearing on television. 

Weight-Loss Water Firm Told To Remove Ebola Virus

A FIRM which claims its bottled water can help with weight loss has been told to stop filling it with the ebola virus.

Invisibility Cloak Promises New Era In Frottage

THE invention of an invisibility cloak was last night welcomed by those perverts who rub up against you on the train until they go off.

Water Made From Gas, Say Water Companies

WATER companies last night defended their above inflation price rises insisting water was now made from very expensive gas.

CBI Finds Extra Twenty Million Poor People Behind Fridge

THE CBI last night warned that the UK economy was far worse off than it thought after it found an extra twenty million poor people behind the fridge. 

Russia Evil After All

ALMOST 20 years after the end of the Cold War, it emerged last night that Russia really is evil and wants to kill everyone.